I’ve Put Myself in a Bubble and Now I Don’t Want to Leave

Random Ross 1.... Okay...wow...that's a lot to digest. (I'm afraid this is going to get rather long...sorry) I'm not LDS, but I live in a place were there are a lot of Mormons. So, I'm guessing that the brother who left on his mission is older than you. That probably makes you a teenager, living at home. So...some straight forward comments...don't let them upset you, these are just things that you need to understand and work through.
You don't yet have control of your own life yet, that does make things more difficult for now (it won't stay that way). It will seem like forever until you are 18 and being in that "bubble" doesn't help. Having your brother make excuses and then going away to do a "religious" job for two years also doesn't help. That's all very rough. Your parent's are upset and you are fighting OCD (me too on the OCD) But it is what it is, and for now it's difficult to see how you can change any of that. Those are harsh words, but one of the best ways to go forward is to know exactly where you are starting. You can't really change those things around you, but you can change you. OK...I know what that sounds like! Yeah, right... and just how do I do that? Well...you've already started! By posting here on empty closets you have reached out and asked for help. That is almost always the first step on the road to being able to take control of your life and being able to understand yourself. I lived in a "bubble" too. My bubble was denial that I was gay for a very long time. I imagined a completely false picture of myself and tried to live that way. It didn't work. Things just got worse until I finally reached a crisis and faced the truth. That bubble you are in may have started out as an effort to protect yourself from everything going on around you. It may have felt comfortable to being with, but as you are realizing, in the end it is a trap. It will only add to the misery you are feeling. You seem to have a idea of who you really are "I’m bi, ftm, an atheist...". How well have you really accepted that? Are you comfortable identifying that way? I know that when I finally really accepted who I was, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. If you are at that place in your life...congrats!!! If not then that may be a good place to start. There are forums here on EC that can help with that..."Sexual Orientation" and "Gender Orientation and Expression". Check those out if you feel the need.
Okay next....coming out, even as little as you did caused a lot of upset. You seem to feel bad that your parents shed tears over that. It's not surprising that they are concerned...they are your parents and they love you. Cherish that...not everybody has someone who loves them enough to cry for them. I'm guessing you would rather not repeat that experience. Okay....don't! It looks like for now that speaking to your parents about any of this will only make things worse. So...talk to us here on EC. We will listen and do our best to give you a digital shoulder to cry on. I know that's not like the real thing....I know that really well. For the first year after I came out (here on empty closets) EC was the only place that I could talk about my problems and my feelings...at that time I had told no one face-to-face. You can rant and we will listen. You can type at your keyboard through tears and we will listen (I've done that a lot). We will do our best to suggest ways to cope with your problems and we will support you...that's one of the things we do here. You are really the only person who knows when you are ready to come out, who you want to come out to, how you want to come out and what you will come out as. But...while you are living at home, in your parents house...a religious house (that's not a slam...I happen to be religious), you may need to consider waiting. You've already seen what a "small" coming out caused....can you imagine what would happen if you came out to your parents as bi, ftm and atheist...all at once? Might be a little much...lol! So I think you should consider leaning on us here at EC for a while and keeping the rest to your self. There is an exception to that...do you have a really supportive friend or even relative who would accept you AND keep what you tell them private? Big question. You would have to be sure that they would be supportive and they would not share what you tell them.....and I mean absolutely positive!!!! If that is a possibility...then there is no doubt that having a person to talk to and lean on would be a huge help. Oh bye the way....I got the Potter reference....I am a bit of a Potterhead myself!!
A comment about your brother. Have you ever thought that he may be trapped also? I certainly don't know for sure...but my therapist - yes I see a therapist and he has helped me more than I can really put into words (litterally saved my life)...went on an LDS mission and later came out as gay. He also felt trapped...felt like he had no choice because his life-path was laid out for him without his consent or his input. In the future your brother may apologize to you and you may understand that he was confused and messed up. Then again maybe not. Either way, I am not asking you to forgive or forget. Something like that is hard to forgive and harder to forget, but letting it continue to hurt you only gives the perpetrator more power. Sometimes talking about it helps - no ugly details - just getting your emotions out in the open helps lessen their impact. You can do that here too.
Now FTM.... I have a really deep concern/soft spot in my heart/support ....I have a tough time putting into words how I feel about the trans community. I see the conflict of (in your case) a male gender mental existence in a female gender body as one of the most difficult LGBTQ+ situations that there is. I know how difficult it was for me to accept who I really am...I can only imagine the difficulty that trans folks face. I follow several trans guys on youtube. It might be encouraging for you to check out some of them and see how the are dealing with the same problems that face you. Alex Bertie from the UK therealalexbertie, jeydon wale, sam collins, Jamie Raines from the UK jamiedoger, ryan cassata. Those are a few...there are many, many more. Youtube was also a life-saver for me. By listening to those videos on YT I found out that I was not alone...that there were a lot of people like me. They became my long-distance friends. Even now when I am out to quite a few people, these youtubers are still very special to me.
Okay...I have written an entire book here!! So I'll get finished. If you have any specific questions...post them!! I am sure that others will also respond and we will do our best to help you in any way we can. I wish you luck, peace and harmony, luck can come to us but we have to work for peace and harmony! ......David