Hi, I have been struggling on and off for several years now with this issue. I'm female and have mostly always identified as bisexual, and been in lots of relationships with guys. It all started when I was in my 20's and started making out with a friend. I was in a long term relationship with a male, but did have a girlfriend at one point too, and she ended up disappearing on me one day. It was hard for me to be really committed to one person when I was in my 20's. Possible trigger warning: I spent my late 20's being single and started to think I was a lesbian because I found sex with men hurt me. I was manipulated and coerced by my ex boyfriend a lot but I was very sexually and physically attracted to him. I found it very hard to get over that relationship, which made the thought of having a girlfriend more appealing to me. A few years later I met my husband online and found him very physically and emotionally attractive. When I met him, he seemed very inexperienced sexually, compared to me. I have struggled with questioning my sexual orientation during our marriage, and am still afraid of intercourse being painful with him. He has never disrespected me sexually and is being patient with me, trying to wait for me to come to him when I'm ready. Which is hard because I am afraid of being hurt again by a man, so I find intercourse unappealing for me. I find myself wanting to be sexual with a woman again, but I do not want to hurt my husband because I love him. I don't know what to do, I become confused if I see lesbian porn because I get turned on within minutes, while my inexperienced husband doesn't know how to kiss and is awkward in bed. I don't really feel very turned on by him, even though I'm attracted to him physically still. I think he is very beautiful and attractive, but he wants to kiss me more. I don't enjoy the way he kisses because he is rough in kissing and I am more sensitive. I guess I get confused of my orientation because I wonder if I'm gay but I'm also attracted to men. Maybe the problem is the chemistry in the relationship too. My husband seems to not know how to make my body feel good, and I had felt really good from a man in the past. So I think maybe technically I am bi, but I seem to think being attracted to women only makes me gay. If anyone has any insight or ideas, please share with me as I really feel the need to talk about this. I keep all of this secret because I am so ashamed of being bi or maybe gay. Thank you.
Are you ashamed of being gay because you don't want to be one or just want to be completely dedicated to your husband?
I'm ashamed of being gay because I don't want to be one. I also really don't want to hurt my husband or leave him. I still get attracted to men, other than my husband-- as well as being attracted to women (but trying really hard to hide it.) I think I'm ashamed of attraction to women, the most. I just feel so uncomfortable with it at this point, and I don't have bisexual people, or gay people to talk to about what I go through. I get so upset about the thought of breaking my husband's heart. I had on my profile that I was looking for men and women but my husband said he didn't see it until months later, and acted like I kept it from him. I just felt uncomfortable talking about it because being openly bisexual caused me problems in my last relationship. I am a lot more uncomfortable in my sexuality now.
It's okay to try to stay in your comfort zone. But sometimes you need to get out of it. Your husband apparently has got a few hints, but you should tell him directly. If you really love him and trust that your current relationship can and must work; you should be completely honest. I don't see why you'd be ashamed of what you are. If you are bi, well, there's nothing to be ashamed of. A lot of people are bi, a lot of girls like girls, I'm gay myself and I don't see what is so shameful about it. You don't control what arouses you. Just be yourself. If you feel your marriage is an obstacle keeping you from that, it's not really as perfect as you might think then. Whether you are gay or not doesn't make you any less human. You still have strong emotions - proof is that you don't want to hurt your husband. What matters is how you treat yourself after you embrace your sexuality.
Wow thank you for the insightful message! I found it very, very helpful and something to think about. I will give it some thought and to try to be more open about it with my husband. I think I am a bit uncomfortable and bored with just staying in the comfort zone. I have been trying to think that it's ok to be attracted to women, and it does help me. I didn't have a lot of supportive people in my life when it came to my sexual preferences. My family was not very accepting of me when I was trying to talk to more gay women. I also had a lot of gay women telling me I was a lesbian, but the thought of never being intimate with a man again felt just as bad. I will work on being more honest with myself to see what is the best thing to do. It helped a lot to write about it here. Thank you for helping me!
Hey feelings, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time with all of this. I guess I would suggest starting by putting everything you can into your marriage first. Maybe try being more 'instructive' during sex, and be really open with him about what you need and want. You never know, a light bulb may go on inside him and he may get better at making love to you in a way that satisfies you both. I would also encourage you to be honest about negative past experiences and your questioning sexuality. I find that when you love someone, and they love you back (in whatever capacity), being totally honest and vulnerable about where you're at mentally is usually rewarded by understanding and a willingness to help. If not, then it might be time to think about changing the nature of the relationship.
Hey I agree with woodswoman. Sometimes the thought of telling him what you want might seem awkward but I'm sure he just wants to make you feel good so perhaps would welcome some help. If you don't think you can tell him directly maybe you could give each other 10 or so bits of paper and on them write something you would really like, so on one you could put really gentle kissing or something like that and then you can take one out of the put alternately or one ever so often. Or you can offer it to him first and say why don't you tell me what you want me to do and then hopefully he will return the favour to you.
