Feel like I've f'd my life up...VENT

I think most late in lifers regret figuring things out late or if they knew then not doing anything sooner. However some comments people have made on other posts are it’s wasn’t the right time for you or you might not have had any kids. I feel the same I have spent the last 15 years working and just ignored all the personal stuff thinking it would just happen. Yes I’m independent and can do what I want but I still didn’t do it as I lack confidence so put my time into setting up a business which not everyone gets to do but at what cost. I have no close friends or had any kind of a relationship and the more years go by the harder it is plus adding in that I’m mostly gay makes it even harder. Sorry I’ve gone on too much about me! I think you need to focus on the present and not the past as you can’t change that. You might be surprised how many women there are with kids like you. There are a few on here any they’ve managed to find someone.

 

Butterflies my heart goes out to you! Please know that you are deserving of healthy love, and can definitely find it later in life. I subscribe to the philosophy that everything happens for a reason. I know it can sound cheesy but there are just too many signs and incidents in my life that it is true. Your children are no accident. They are supposed to be here and have their own 'jobs' to do in this life. I believe your marriage is no accident either, how else could you be the person you are becoming? It's only through experiences and challenges that we grow and learn. I think you are on a journey that, while turbulent, will land you right where you need to be. I'm so sorry that your husband is seeing your strengths as flaws. It sounds like it is HIS flaws shining through and it seems unlikely that he will change this behavior overnight, despite his apologies. I hope you can find some peace as you search for the best route to take. *hugs*

 

I'm glad that you wrote all that and got it of your chest.
I strongly believe that the key to coping with those life-changing realisations is to try to focus on the present. Try your best to not let yourself feeling even worst thinking all the time about your "lost 20s". It's done, don't let it slow you down now and turn into even more damage. As for the future don't assume the worst (easy to say, very hard to do ^^). If you ever decide to go that way, I really don't think that starting a new dating life while having children is that hard.
Instead try to focus on what you want now and what you can do. What do you want to do about this situation, what decision for the few months to come ? How can you start changing things in your life to make it better, on short-term first and posing some foundation for a possible future. I think that finding some support from a local lgbt center or a support group could be a great first step.

I completely realised I was gay at 30, almost a year ago, and it was an explosion. I have to say that my personal situation is far easier than yours (no child, no partner). But trying actively not to focus on my anger for all the time I've lost not knowing myself (and I do have a lot of anger about that) and focusing on my new life and how to make it better is the best advice I can give.
You realised a lot of things about yourself and you can label your orientation now, so congratualtion for that. It's harder to do it so late and it's the first brick of new beginings.

 

You deserve to live your life fully, but be careful about idealizing of what you desire.

I am not sure how many people in the whole world have the chance to live such a life that you have pictured. I think they are not that many. I am not saying what you desire is wrong. Your desire is real and you will probably feel better if you can pursue it at some point in your life, but be aware that those happy-ending lesbian movies in Netflix are just like any other happy ending movies, not so much rooted in reality.

 

Thank you for being so brave to say the things so many of us have thought, but are ashamed to admit. Since you were so brave, I think I will do the same.

I came out of the closet in June 2016 and separated from my wife in December. I now have a boyfriend and I'm in love with him.

There are certainly times that I desperately wish that I didn't have kids, that I could be carefree and enjoy my life without these encumbrances. And the child support I pay each month.

And then I feel ashamed for having these thoughts. I do love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but in those dark, quiet moments at home, alone and feeling lonely, I have to admit that those dark thoughts do sometimes come. I try to remind myself of a few things:

1. There's no guarantee that if I had come out decades ago I would have a happy life now.
2. There's no guarantee that I wouldn't have gotten myself infected with HIV and died before today's anti-viral medicines.
3. There's no guarantee that I would have been accepted by friends and family back in the 80s. Coming out in 2016 I was accepted by everyone in my life, but back then it might have been different.
4. There's no guarantee that I wouldn't have spent the last 25 years miserable and lonely. Instead, I spent it raising a family and truly enjoying the experience.
5. There's no guarantee that I wouldn't have been injured or killed by people who hate gays. There have been plenty of assaults and murders of LGBT people through the years, and I could have been one of them.
6. If I had come out decades ago, my children wouldn't exist.

There are so many woulda, coulda and shoulda's that enter my mind on a frequent basis, but I've decided to not give into giving them my attention and focus. The fact is that I'm out of the closet, ending my marriage that never really worked, and working on the next chapter of my life. My kids will only be "kids" for a short while longer, and then I'll have a few decades left for me, God willing. It's not perfect, but it's what there is, and I choose to make the best of it.

Thanks again for the thread. It helps to write these things out.

 

@Butterflies85 this all resonated with me so much. I could have written most of the words you said, in that my situation is incredibly similar. I too feel like I have screwed my life up.. I’m not sure if I feel being separated and driving the nail into our marriage is more the “mess up” or if not following my gut way back in college when this first came up was more the mistake. But we can’t view things like this! We all have our different paths and lessons we learn along the way. All we can do is act for NOW. I know it is so so painful. There seems to be heartbreak everywhere I look. Be we keep moving, keep being true to ourselves, listening to our heart, and we will get to where we need to be! Life is so complicated. We need to be proud of ourselves for addressing this now and not ignoring it. Sometimes I wish I could just ignore it, but there is no going back. We can only go through the fire and keep moving.

Thank you for sharing your words. Things will get better. Better now to listen to ourselves than never.

 

I just have to say...I can relate to this and it brought tears to my eyes...thank you for being so open and just know the others of us out there completely understand. Sending strength and hugs...

 

Everything you said hit home with me. I keep thinking back to my early 20s. Why did I give up. Why did I force my self to be with a man. My life could have been so different. Now I have been married 12 years with 2 kids. Barely making it through life. Lonely and miserable. I see lesbian couples at stores and get so jealous. There is no way I could leave and start over with no family, friends or money. And who would want a woman with 2 kids. All these years I have been silent and alone. Now I am trying to seek support secretly. Trying to figure out if it would be possible to change my life.

 

Wow. The mothering struggle has been so tough for me and I relate to so much of what you wrote. I have two under the age of four and am so ashamed that if I could turn back time, I would. I'm particularly struggling with needing and wanting to be selfish in order to heal and evolve and not be this barely functuoning mess of an adult I am now. You're not alone, I worry about the future too, that I'll be less attractive as a divorced, late in life lesbian with kids. I can't offer you any advice as I'm still very much in the throughs of chaos but can offer you solidarity. Sending lots of support your way ❤

 

Add me to the list of those who can relate. I’m married with two kids and don’t have a full time job either. I completely sympathize with your frustration. At times it’s so overwhelming thinking about everything that would need to be done to get to the place where I want to be. I’m in the process of making baby steps to where I want to be. It was driving me nuts when I felt like I was just going in circles with my thoughts and desires and not doing anything about it.

 

Lovely thread, so much inspiration. I didn’t realise there were so many in a similar situation. Hugs to you all.

 

Hey I don't have kids or a husband but I still found figuring out my sexuality hard so you have my sympathies. I didn't figure things out until I was in my mid to late 20's and I went through a period of being angry and sad that I didn't figure things out earlier despite all the blatant signs I could now see which at the time I missed. The thing is as @leb10 said you have to try and not dwell over it as otherwise it almost becomes toxic within you. When I was struggling with it was the fact that I think we see these things when we are ready to deal with them and for whatever reason before my mid to late 20's I wasn't ready to deal with my sexuality and coming out. I saw a saying once which said, if the door doesn't open it's not your door and I think for me that was true, I had walked past an opening so many times, sometimes possibly even lent against it but it didn't open and I think that's just because that wasn't the time. You have learnt so much about yourself and become older and wiser since you made those decisions early on, sure if you went back you wouldn't make the same ones again but hindsight is a wonderful thing and we all have things in our life we would do differently. I think it is also important to realise that when we think about these things we only ever see that good that might have been had we don't things differently, not the bad, and maybe had you come out as a lesbian in your late teens early 20's you would have met the girl of your dreams and be living happily ever after, but maybe your coming out would have gone badly or you would have met a woman and she would have treated you badly, who knows. Maybe the girl of your dreams is out there just waiting for you to get your stuff in order before you meet her.

It sounds great that you are formulating a plan to make yourself more independent. I think seeing that you can make progress even if it is slow and steady will help you feel less bitter.
It isn't never too late, you can definitely find a woman who will love you once you are in the right place. Don't give up.

 

Hi Butterflies85, I am in a very similar situation to you. Reading your initial post yesterday really hit me as you expressed so many similar feelings to ones I have had over the last year.
I am 27 and have been married for 7 years and we have 3 children.
I often look back and feel like I messed everything up by not being true to myself. I did have a girlfriend when I was 18, but it didn't last long and wasn't the healthiest relationship. I then got with my now husband, had a baby and got married. I have always identified as bisexual, but never felt that identity fitted me properly. I have been identifying as gay for a few months, my husband knows and things are weird. We keep getting to a point in our conversations where I just need to be brave and make the decision and I have not been able to yet.
I feel so awful for my children, they are 7, 3 and 2. I feel so selfish for ruining their family. And also for breaking my husbands heart and future plans, we are such good friends, but I can't see things going back to how they were.
I also only work a few hours a week so will need to get a job with more hours.
It all feels so unrealistic and scary at the moment.

 

I can relate and sympathise to almost everything you have said. I'm 43, have two children, my youngest being 9. Married 15 years to a good man but without any passion or true love.

I've been becoming increasingly resentful and unhappy which is making me treat him poorly and he doesn't deserve that. So I will be acting on it and making a change, separating before we lose the friendship that we have.

As for finding a woman, it seems to me there are lots of people out there who only came to realise and/or accept their sexuality later in life for whatever reason. Myself included. I didn't accept it until I met a woman online and have been dating her secretively for the last year (another reason why I need to act to make changes in my life). It wasn't until I fell in love with her that I started to accept that my sexuality wasn't as fixed as I once thought it was.

I also had two new neighbours move in recently. A middle aged lesbian couple, one who has two children (not much older than mine) from a previous marriage. i look at them and am jealous about how happy they seem together , but it also gives me hope that regardless of your situation, or how difficult to may seem, there are always opportunities waiting to be taken and it's never too late to change the path or direction of your life if it's something you want to do. ☺️

 

So many good comments. There are so many of us in the same boat. I think collectively women need to figure out how to shed the stereotype that mothers must selfless to the point where we are no longer individuals. Choosing to save yourself so you can continue to fiercely love and raise your children is ok. Anyway, my $0.02 for the morning.