From book, to journal, to reflection, putting the pieces together

I seem to be obsessed with putting pieces together,with what happened to me in my early to mind teens - age 14-16.

While reading yet another book about gay men and how they dealt with their homosexuality. This time the book Boy's Like Us : Gay Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories. What stood out in the stories was how these boys, teens,then men came to realize they were gay. While reading the book, I finally asked myself, ~"why can they self reflect and I could not?"

On Oct 20 2017 I wrote in my journal:
a) From the book Boys Like Us, Gay Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories, coming out story by Rodney Christopher, titled, Explaining It To dad.
i) Pg 303: Words by the writer, “would catch my eye” & “images of love and sex” & “I worked hard to suppress my desires” & “I believed no one in my world would understand my feeling, but then, neither did I”
(1) In the margin, with a fine point mechanical pencil I hand wrote the words,
(a) I had no feeling(s). Numb, thanks to (boarding school). It’s the perfect combo. a) turn off explore & discover, b) numb feelings, c) turn off self reflect. d) turn on never hurt / cross mom again.
(b) c) and d) were added after reading a few more pages. I came back to pg 303, and jutted c) & d) down.
(2) So many of the writers had, maintained their ability to self reflect. This function was TURNED OFF IN ME.

Getting back to this journal entry on Nov 6 2017. I internet searched self reflect and came up with this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reflective_practice
(1) Reflective practice is the ability to reflect on one's actions so as to engage in a process of continuous learning.[1] According to one definition it involves "paying critical attention to the practical values and theories which inform everyday actions, by examining practice reflectively and reflexively. This leads to developmental insight".[2] A key rationale for reflective practice is that experience alone does not necessarily lead to learning; deliberate reflection on experience is essential.[3][4]

A very solid theory. Finally a little peace.

 

Agree with the statement, "the writing really helps" 100%. I didn't know this some 300 typed pagers back, I just started typing. But in the case outlined in this post, one clear advantage is going back to what was said so current entries can obtain more depth.