How black and white has coming out been?

I’m not out but I am bi. However, right now I can’t see myself in a romantic relationship with a man, only a sexual one. Maybe that’s just my way of retaining some straight cred with myself, I don’t know. I’m just happy to finally accept my attraction to men

 

Makes total sense!

 

I developed a crush on the new boy at school when I was about 14, I remember leaning towards my straight male friend and muttering "do you think he's hot, I think he's really hot.." (yeah, I seriously did that.) My friend was like "I think you might be gay dude" and I responded with apparent sincerity "no, I'm definitely straight" and carried on identifying as straight after that even though I clearly wasn't.

 

I always knew what I felt, but the question was always, what do I do about it? I don't know that I ever looked at girls with the same sense of wonder and appreciation and longing that I looked at boys with. With nothing to compare it to, and a family that was completely lacking in any kind of visible affection between spouses, I just never saw any real connection between that visceral attraction and a family and children. The best I could do was guess that it was tied to meeting the mysterious "right person", and because I was shy and awkward and anti-social, I figured that the "right" person just had to be somewhat more special than the other guys who ended up serial dating and bragging about their wild nights. For that matter, sex was something I did alone to make myself feel good, and the idea of it being a shared activity seemed odd--and to share it with a girl seemed embarrassing and kind of gross!

By the middle of college I was horrified that I might be gay, not because I saw it as a bad thing, but because it meant no family, no children, and probably being alone. I saw gay as the "lifestyle choice" that some people still say it is, and a family was also a lifestyle choice. Since I wanted both, I thought, maybe I'm bi?

I eventually found who I thought was the "right girl" and frankly, I had a pretty good time with straight sex, but our relationship was not happy for other reasons, and the gay feelings, which were never very far from the surface, started to drift back into my conscious thoughts. Eventually, when I realized our marriage needed to be over, I had also figured out that being gay was more innate than just what you wore or how you behaved, and I decided to accept the fact that I liked guys and only guys.

So, no a-ha moment for me, just a gradual understanding of what gay means to me and how to include it in my life. So far, so good.

 

The gay signals have been in my brain for all my life, but I explained them away until mid-life when my denial started to thaw and I came out to myself. I initially thought I was bi-sexual but over time came to accept that I'm gay.

The coming out process is overcoming one's shame and internalized homophobia, that is, the part of you that doesn't want to be gay, and replacing it with genuine acceptance of who you are. Eventually you'll reach a point where things are black and white, though that will take some time and further processing of your shame and internalized homophobia and undoing the damage of being in denial for many years.

Your experience of taking some time before you are ready to date men is typical. Most men are quick to accept the sexual nature of being gay and the idea of romantic attraction typically takes longer.

 

For me, no it wasn't black and white. When I was able to admit to myself my same sex attraction (I had known it deep down since a child) I sat with that for a while. I considered I must be bisexual mainly because I was in a hetero marriage with kids. I remember coming out to my husband once I'd decided I was 'bisexual' and it feeling like 'the safer option to admit to' (that was my shame talking). He seemed to have forgotten it pretty easily. As time goes on I get more comfortable with myself by reading posts here, watching LGBT movies and learning more about my preferences. I've started to identify as likely lesbian this whole time, with a history of romantic feelings towards men. Sex with them has always felt like a chore/social pressure/biology lesson or just plain dirty. I can't ever see myself entering into a hetero relationship again if/when my marriage ends. I think the romantic feelings towards men is likely from being told from a young age that I would grow up and marry a man, have kids yada yada. I don't look at men now and think, Oh i'd love to be romanced by him. But I do feel a closeness with my husband in general hence remaining married for now. Trying to figure out what is real or what is from years of societal conditioning is like trying to figure out which came first -the chicken or the egg. Maybe given my past with men, I will never be able to fully acknowledge that I am 100% lesbian, not because I don't want to - I'd love that - it's because I feel people would not understand how i could have kids and be married if I was not at least bisexual. I agree with @LostInDaydreams in that it ultimately is easier just not labeling oneself but I do get the feeling of needing to sort it out.

 

I love what you've written, what you've shared. In many ways its as if I wrote it...

Tonight, literally in the last few minutes, I saw, realised, the only thing that is holding me back is me. That 'I'm the one who is standing in my own way' and decided to jump on here and write...

Then I read your post. Its beautiful.

That there are other men, that feel as I do, and that must be you too, for what you say is so familiar.

Im yearning to talk face to face with another man, of this place where we find ourselves.

Tonight I realise the deepness of the fears that inside.... all the while championing in flowing prose my own homosexuality, but seeing just in these few minutes how cunning, how mischevious ones own self deception, laziness, prejudices, and outright internalised homophobia, how hard wired it is to my own being.

It's a feeling like wanting ones cake and to eat it too...while at the same knowing that happiness (at least on the surface) will be e er elusive until letting go, unless to truly come out. That means to stop the lie. To stop my own lie. This hurts.

I so yearn to talk with another gay man, to have a man hold my hand, to hold his hand...

There I was, have been, somehow thinking I would be ok, having seen yes I'm gay...now I'm ok, the status quo (looking straight on the outside...) will be fine....I've got it all together.

Ha ha...so who am I kidding, no one, and now I see not even myself...OMG

The reality is I have been peddling backwards as fast as I can go....Settling for second best, for a straight vest, just doesnt do it.

So glad to have read your post, its promoted me to vent...

Thank you.

Julien

 

Hi Aenima1997, sorry to hear you day was as at the crappy end....

Glad to be of a little help with my own outpooring. I think it was ny own shitstorm. It just all poored out. Overwhelmed.

Having just woken, I slept well, a bit relieved I think. A quick look at my IG account, a picture of one two gorgeous men, elegantly and subtley framed, in bathers in a pool, I smile, note my attraction and awareness of their uncluttered masculine beauty. I smile. I dont get this feeling anywhere else. My attraction uncluttered too.

Unbundling ones own baggage seems to come and fall away in waves. A good day comes, I know it.

Hope you have a better day tommorrow, tonight, now.

Love, Julien

 

I love reading these posts and I’m glad that I’ve accepted my own sexuality, but honestly I don’t think I will ever come out. I’m afraid it might be better for me to just forget about it and go on with my life. It shouldn’t be too bad. I love women and my wife. This is just driving me crazy. Sorry for the rant.

 

I understand what you say, its complex this place we kind ourselves in... life is full of choices and the resulting outcomes of the ones we take... Our ranting here helps. Take care of yourself, to me that is be gentle, be kind, smile inwardly, pat ourselves on the back, see the good in ourselves, and say well done.

 

I try. Sometimes it just gets the better of me and I’m in turmoil. All this just because I’m attracted to men. Oh well, I suspect in the future this may not be an issue. I’ll get through, I just may need to ramble now and then