just another friendship where... you know

This might seem like a big post... but! I guarantee you it'll be an interesting and worthwhile read! (I can't)

writing this out is... actually the easy part!. pasting it into some forum and pressing 'submit'... not so much... but if anyone sees this... congrats me! I just did something completely out of character...

And if any of the people related to the story finds this... congratulations... "y-you got me!" (I'm considering this to be a very small risk? so don't blame me!)

note: this is probably not going to be so much a cry for help as... a log of events / a story without an ending? (the chaos that is life is still an ongoing process!... I just thought it would be nice to share?... and writing things down does help me... churn on things internally)

first of all, I guess I should write some quick points about myself:

• bisexual, and I've made this known to my close group of friends (of which He is a part of)
• a very slow boil...very... very slow... and I think the classification is 'demisexual'? (when you need an emotional bond before you can rationalize any advances you might take?)
• somewhat spontaneous at times (so is He... and his gf)

and here are some of my observations about him!:

• I have not heard from him whether he's bisexual or not... but he's far from homophobic. Very accepting of it in fact.
• Very confident in decision making & execution (this is the polar oposite of me and his gf)
• knows what he wants & likes... usually spends the least amount of time deciding on something in our group
• usually brash & brazen when doing stuff... unless it's directed towards a single individual... or the setting doesn't allow for it
• has an extreme amount of patience. (both me and his gf can be... intense / weird... but his patience and our annoyance has become a sort of symbiotic thing... forged on by one another... we'll often make squealing noises and/or speak in a really high pitched voice just to see what he does & how he reacts! fun stuff! )

it wouldn't be fair to leave out his gf! I like her too!... not as much as him though :

• she claims to be gay... but is a living contradiction with her being in a relationship with him! ;p (although he's a great guy, so I'll allow it!) I guess that makes her bi... with a strong interest (seemingly unnatural if you ask me! :s) in everything gay... to the point of obsession!
• seems to think about of others way too much (at least I know I do this), worrying about the response an action will take. Often sitting on an email for a long time, pondering whether to send it or not.
• very messy / hoarder lite (the opposite of me, but maybe I'd be messy if I was in a relationship... I really doubt it though... things just have their place ... and then you never touch them again... I spend most of my time typing away on a computer anyways)
• easily stressed / openly stressed (I get really stressed too, but I hide it, she doesn't)
• downplays his ego (which is great! yes! you're the best for doing this!! if you ever read this ofc...)

--- some notes:

We've been best friends for roughly 5 years.

He has had a gf now for roughly 3 years? (Not super clear when they crossed the boundary together). It has been mentioned that she's 'like a female version of me'.... And I agree, she is in many ways x).

He knows a lot about me ... so knows how I'm usually reluctant & averse to expressing myself. If I make any advances or give any indications... it would & should be extremely obvious to him.
But then again I try to mask any indications I make in some way or another... to make it less obvious? (Would be a bit 'character breaking', and I'm also afraid of negative response ofc...). But I'm also a fan of... being weird at times, so having weirdness being the subject can make the unusual seem fine & 'in character'.

He's protective of me. It took me a while to realize this... as I usually consider myself far from needing protecting... but... it hit me quite recently. (but he is also just really kind in general, so it would perhaps seem that way to most people)

--- semi-recent events:

adding 'semi-recent' since, I guess they should still be relevant (who knows, people tend to forget stuff the further back in time you go!... )

I was asked by his gf if I would ever date him, and after a few hesitating sounds to stall for time managed to say that "I wasn't the dating kind & that it wouldn't be out of the question if I was".


--- recent events:

These recent events are the main reason as to why I'm even posting here! They've kinda escalated my slow boil after all these years.

fidgets / touches my hair briefly when i looked up at him from tipping back on my chair. (but is also a fidgety / touchy feely type of person). This one seems like a promising indicator , I haven't seen him do this with anyone but his gf. So I'm assuming it's reserved for people he feels really comfortable around.

held his hand & he didn't object... just let me, until I eventually let go myself after maybe 5 - 8 seconds? (I couldn't let it drag on for that long, I can only take so much!... so naturally I had to let go )

phone calls last for a while if there is no pressing need to end the conversation (at this point I might be reading into things to heavily, I've seen him have equally long phone calls with his gf)

Whenever they kiss in public / at home, I always try to call it out & let them know I'm watching! (This only mildly bothers her, and he seems to like it), and sometimes I try to get them to kiss more ... since... I guess I'm kind of a creep... who's into watching other people kiss. Especially if it's kissing between 2 people I like! (I mean, I wouldn't complain if I was the one being kissed either!, but I'll take what I can get x) #cucked )

When we were all 3 resting in their bed (don't ask how, this just happens... I guess?) he gets really comfortable with my presence... and although It usually annoys me when he puts his arms up behind his head in public displays of 'power' I kinda wish I had rolled over and put an arm on his chest (mirroring her), just to see what his face would do... but that would've been beyond my current bravery. Maybe later..., probably later, all it takes is the right spontaneity & perhaps being a bit inebriated would help

---

conclusion: I think he's just really open & interested in general to most people & things. But that perhaps it isn't any specific portion of this directed towards me. I can't help but feel some sort of... tension though, there has to be something right? or am I rosy-eyed & blind? It's forever hard to self-diagnose! So i'll keep... probing until, idk, until it's so obvious that... either there's no interest, or their image of me as 'that weird guy but who's also our best friend' is so potent that I can get away with anything and not seem 'overly weird'... Maybe I should just be blunt & ask

I try to do small things more and more often now, like sit close to him, maximize touch contact without seeming weird, being kinder / nicer in general... but not too nice, as I don't want him to exploit this either D:<, don't want to fuel his ego, as it's strong and healthy as is and doesn't need any nurturing... in fact it could do with a little downsizing x)... a lot.

Maybe there will be an ending / summary to this story... (well, there most likely will!) but I would also have to remember this log at that point in time... But if both of those things happen... there's a chance you'll hear from me again!

If you managed to stick with me to this sentence, you already feel kind of like a friend!... I'm not actively asking for 'the right way to go about this', but then again, if I wasn't a bit lost, I wouldn't post here either? It is often the case that one can miss something right in front of your nose, and I know I'm definitively capable of this! That's part of the reason I felt the need to info dump so much, perhaps there's a tidbit of information in my life that's really obvious to some, just not to me! cya!

 

ok, so minor update!

I suppose this thread is no longer that fitting to 'coming out advice', but is more of a 'report' of happenings... idk why, but writing them down seems to have a positive effect on... realizing / affirming my own feelings, and making me heaps more assertive (to be honest, I don't think I had any assertiveness in me before a few days ago, at least in terms of sexual behavior, something just clicked I suppose).

--- two days ago

he finger fed me a piece of chocolate (I love that shit... both finger feeding, and chocolate!)

casually rested my chin on his shoulder while we were in a store... trying to find opportunities where this motion seems 'natural' at any rate (there wasn't a lot of space to just stand next to him).

when watching a tv series together, we end up talking about biting & picking fingernails, he said he couldn't do that to his fingernails if he tried. But me being an avid fingernail biter... insist on it being something you can do regardless of 'nail thickness' (teeth are harder than nails after all). So tried to pick off one of his fingernails for a bit before I gave up... I couldn't find a weak spot on the sides of the nail. I promised I would bite off his fingernail some day. (so i'll have to get back to this one sometime)

--- yesterday

he had his shirt on the wrong way, so i was fidgeting with the tag loop on his back a fair bit.

hugged both him and his gf when they were hugging each other, and he grabbed my ass

fidgeted with his foot a bit while watching the tv series.

--- today

continuing the tv series now (stranger things) I would lean into him a lot this time, resting my chin / cheek on his shoulder + wrap my arms around him.

Later he wrapped his own arm around me!

---

current thoughts: I'm overdue getting them a gift (I'm kind of a shitty gift giver / have always been), so I think I should definitively get some handcuffs or something, and cuff him by surprise ... at least the scenario plays out well in my head at any rate