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Strange reaction from my parents when I sort of came out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Almost Canadian, Nov 4, 2017.

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  1. Almost Canadian

    Almost Canadian
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    Location:
    America
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I was making small talk with my family and tried to transition the conversation topic towards sexuality.
    I made the statement that "I would never date a girl".
    Which got my mother to jokingly question if I'd date a guy.
    I surprised her by stating that I would rather date a guy than a girl.
    She then asked if I could imagine myself kissing a guy and I nervously said yes.
    Then she just told me that was disgusting and to stop scaring her as she passes off what I had just admitted to as a cruel joke.
    The entire time my father was silent and so was my brother.
    And now after a couple of hours, it's like I've said nothing at all.
    My parents think homosexuality is immoral so telling them this for the first time took allot of confidence.
    Unfortunately, they probably all assumed I was joking.
     
    #1 Almost Canadian, Nov 4, 2017
  2. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Almost Canadian, that did indeed take a lot of courage to Come Out like that. I'm so sorry that your family's reactions were so unaccepting/indifferent.:frowning2:

    You are however, in a pretty good position at this point. You have actually Come Out to them. You never told them that it was a joke and it's their problem if that's what they choose to believe for now. But now you can choose to be open with them about your sexuality in the future, if you choose. You can just go ahead and make comments about trying to find or having a boyfriend if the subject comes up and just act as if you don't care about their assumptions that you were joking - because you weren't and you have no obligation to change their assumptions. You Came Out and the more you can just go ahead and be yourself now, without censoring what you say or do in terms of your sexuality, the more quickly it will dawn on them that you weren't joking. In fact, if they were to give you a hard time again the next time you make an honest comment about your sexuality, you could actually act indignant and demand to know why they are being so homophobic and throwing so much hate your way when you're still just the same person as you were before they knew that you happen to be gay.

    Right now, it kind of sounds like your mom is going to have a harder time accepting your sexuality than your dad. Maybe you could print a copy or two of the PFLAG Our Children pamphlet and place them in an area of the house where your parents will find them (such as on a bedside table or kitchen counter)... That can give them the idea that you were completely serious without you having to bring the subject up again directly as if you had to defend yourself (which you don't).

    Do you think that your brother might come and talk to you one-on-one and ask if you were serious?

    Just some thoughts.
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Nov 4, 2017
  3. Almost Canadian

    Almost Canadian
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    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I probably know why my brother didn't react and pretended like he wasn't listening.
    Earlier last year I accidentally discovered that on a social media account he had, he mentioned that he was bisexual.
    This was briefly brought up by my cousin in a random conversation, but I never forgot about it.
    Maybe he feels like he can't really say anything since he's hiding something as well.
    I'm hoping that he does talk to me, but that wouldn't be like him really.
    He's not usually one to start conversations with me.

    I am however wondering what my father could be thinking.
    Me and him the other week had a conversation about my sexuality and how he'd still love me if I was gay.
    I almost came out to him when he asked, and instead I backtracked and said I wasn't really into either sex.
    He seemed to take that as me struggling to find out who I was and has backed off since then.
    During the recent short conversation, he just stayed silent and hasn't brought it up up until this point.
    I've always related more to my father and he seemed to be very "chill" with at least the idea of me being gay, regardless of his religious convictions.
    I'm more hoping to have a conversation with him down the road about the topic than anyone else.

    My mother's response kinda hurt.
    This is the first time she's heard this sort of stuff about me, and I think it scared her.
    She's convince herself that I was telling a crude joke and that I wasn't being at all serious.
    I was hurt when she acted like the very thought of me being attracted to other men was gross, and she said it to me like that I believe.
    She said something along the lines of "That's disgusting. Stop trying to give me a heart attack."
    Also she seems to want me to stay single and not even hook up with anyone, judging by a few things she said about me later on.
    It's pretty messed up that she'd prefer that above me being with someone of the same sex.

    Now I don't fully consider myself to have come out to my family yet.
    In the brief conversation I had with them, I think I just caused confusion.
    If I had just sat them down and told them "I am gay" I think that would have gotten it into their heads that this is what I am, and that I'm not joking.
    I know I don't have nearly enough confidence or emotional stability to do that though.
    And I think the booklet thing would be too direct.
    I'll try to at least keep briefly bringing it up whenever it's really appropriate to do so.
    Eventually they'll catch on and maybe we'll have a talk.
     
    #3 Almost Canadian, Nov 4, 2017
  4. Quantumreality

    Quantumreality
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    Hey Almost Canadian,

    If your brother really is Bi, it sounds like he might make the effort to talk to you about this - assuming that HE could tell that you weren't joking. If he doesn't come and talk to you soon, maybe you could initiate a private conversation with him and tell him that you weren't joking; that you really are gay. It's possible that he could Come Out to you in return, but don't try to force him to, of course.

    It sounds like your Dad didn't think you were joking, but it can take family members (especially parents) some time to process it when we Come Out to them. Since you previously had a conversation about this, he has made it clear that he will be accepting if/when you decide to Come Out to him. Maybe you should consider doing that now. You could just write him a short note if you don't think that you can actually say what you want to say to him and then hand it to him in private.

    Do you think that, perhaps, there is a chance that your brother might have already Come Out as Bi to your Dad?

    You may not think you're officially Out to your family, but you told them your preference very clearly even if you never actually said the words "I'm Gay." You said that you'd never date a girl and that you can imagine yourself kissing a guy. It's up to you, of course, but it's not always necessary to Come Out explicitly by saying "I'm Gay." Coming Out casually can often be more effective and somewhat easier to do.

    Why do you feel that printing a copy or two of the Our Children booklet would be too direct?
     
    #4 Quantumreality, Nov 5, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2017
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