New beginnings and fear

Thank you, @leb10! I really like that quote.. very beautiful and inspiring. I just keep reminding myself that this fear and depression is part of it all. I just had therapy and I feel so much better. He said how I am clinging to my old life a little tighter, unable to let go. All I can do is take baby steps to test the water and gradually let myself move on. I still fear I have things wrong but I am confident enough to know that this is a necessary process and likely I am finally on my right path.

I’m about to meet up with the girl I met earlier this week and a couple of her lesbian friends at a bar party. Wish me luck! Haha. I’m so curious how this will go.

 

It was good but interesting! They were nice and it was fun hanging out with other lesbians. It was all just a little weird for me. I’m not used to hanging out with single girls in their 20’s aside from the fact that they were gay. There was so much conversation over who slept with who’s friend.. she dated her ex-gf.. everybody knows everybody, etc. it was sort of a culture shock and I felt old even though they were only a year or two younger than me. I’m used to hanging with other married moms. I think I’m realizing I need to go for older women as I will more likely have more in common with them and I also find myself more attracted to women a little older than myself.

The girl that invited me out was already inviting me out again in a week or two. I said I’d let her know. I don’t find myself really attracted to her.. but at the same time this is a little network that ties with the rest of the lesbian community here. It sounds like an in to the lesbian crowd haha. And I did enjoy hanging out with them. So I guess the trick is keeping this on a friend level.

Therapy calmed me yesterday after my crappy week. I’ve been such a mess I think mainly due to seeing my mom, my dad, my husband a few times, and his parents in a short amount of time. My therapist noted I’m gripping on tighter to my old life and seem more conflicted. I need to take baby steps forward while slowly letting go. And then maybe reassess what I really want in a month or two. I told my mom today I need to set up boundaries with her. I told her nicely but said that it puts me in a negative place whenever she spirals with “you should just swing.. what you have is the point of life.. I am afraid you will regret this.. even if you’re gay this won’t necessrily be the best choice”. I told her o just can’t handle that right now and I need to turn inwards. I am not going to use her as my emotional friend or support as much. It has not been a positive for me. She understands. I may just start calling my sister more. She has been emotionally helpful and just came out as bi this year so she gets it.

Off to SF for a fun weekend with my friend for her bday. Looking forward to letting lose a bit. Also looking forward to a more simple next week with my daughter

 

Thank you, @silverhalo ❤️ Yes that does all make sense. I’m seeing just how scary this is as I’m close to changing my life so drastically. It is so hard to let go and I’m still wanting to leave a little spot open before I lose my old life forever.

 

Thank you so much, @junebug99. It really is like I’m taking a few steps forward.. a step or two back.. then back forward. Little by little I will get to where I need to be. But yes I am the same way. I take my time with making decisions to be sure it is right. It’s is that final leap that is always the hardest. I’ve already taken a big leap moving out, and the next would be the decision of fully let my husband go. I’m not there yet and I’m still not sure if that will be my final choice (or if it is even an option anymore)... but I am still walking down this path. The last few days I have felt strong, confident, and more self-assured, so these are good signs.

 

Figure I'm due for an update
SF was such a great time and a perfect getaway for me. I enjoyed the beautiful 4 hour drive there and back, and sort of just meditated on everything. I had a great night celebrating my friend's birthday in the city and the following day we wine tasted in gorgeous Half Moon Bay. I had so many great conversations with her friends, opening telling them of what I am going through and my recent discovery of being gay. My friend commented on how happy and empowered I seemed. She said I have a new radiating confidence and I just seem like I am very self-assured. It's interesting given the fact that I feel pretty run down right now, but I think getting away for a fun weekend was enough to snap me out of my funk.

I shared a bed with my same friend as last time, and I do indeed have a bit of a crush on her. I was able to sleep this time, but ugh I just wanted to curl in close to her and breathe her in. She mentioned thinking about starting to date girls as she is identifying as bisexual as of recently. I'm sure the thought entered both of our minds. But it's complicated given our friendship and the fact that she is also friends with my husband. I truly value her as a friend and I have become closer to her throughout all of this process.

This week has been harder. Two night ago I cried harder than I have since the separation and maybe in months. My two-year old kept asking to go home and kept saying, "want daddy! want to go home!". UGH. I also hadn't brought picture books to my apartment and she was asking for a book. All I had was a photo album of the first two years of our family together. She insisted I narrate every photo. I cried..wept.. the entire time. She then wanted me to read it again. Oh the pain. It sucks.

In addition to the expected pain and emotions of all of this, I also am stressing about work and money and how I am going to making things work. My husband and I are already having serious discussion about alimony and how much he expects me to make. I am only part-time teaching right now, but if I left to find full-time work in the middle of the school year I may not get hired back on into the district. So, additional stress.

Happy-Sad-Happy news?.... Tomorrow I am having one of the girls I met up with over to make dinner together then head to a queer club in town! So this should be fun!! Before I met her she said lets meet as friends given my situation. I do think it is just as friends (I guess who really knows). But I am happy about this. I feel VERY isolated and alone right now. I need friends and I also am getting discouraged by how small the lesbian community is in my city.

I guess I'll check back in about how tomorrow night goes. Tonight I'm not terribly depressed like most nights, so.. progress? It's all a rollercoaster.

 

Thank you, @silverhalo and @junebug99! Regardless going out tonight and having fun will be a positive thing for me. Little by little I’ll get more immersed in the community and.. who knows what can happen.

I feel like I still haven’t answered the big question ultimately and it’s as if I am unable to be certain until I at least make out or do something with a woman. Hoping I’ll be able to find this soon so I can feel like everything is validated. Seems silly but until then I feel like it’s all just in my head.