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Asked about love life; What do I do in this situation?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sabrinaa, Oct 29, 2017.

  1. sabrinaa

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    I would like to hear how other people have handled this situation or would handle it if they were in my position.

    I am still sort of in the closet. I make no effort to tell anyone, they either know of they don't.

    I have gotten asked a few times "what is your type" (they are implying boys) and I get so uncomfortable I don't know what to say. I would REALLY LOVE to come out and be open, but I am AFRAID mainly because of other insecurities I have. My biggest thing is that I have NEVER been with anyone!!! Never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, never kissed! NOTHING! And I am SOOOOO EMBARRASSED!! I am afraid that If i mention I am gay, this will lead to other questions and it will be revealed that I have NO EXPERIENCE AT ALL!!! I fear that this will ruin my image. I am seen as wise and I am likable and I feel like this will take me down a notch. Younger people will suddenly stop seeing me as a wise and cool adult figure and I fear they will think less of me!! I am in my late twenties and I feel like a freak, this is my biggest secret! Even bigger than the fact that I am gay.

    I just want to know: What would you do if you are too afraid to tell the truth, but you don't want to lie? When they ask your "type" what would you do or say? I can't just not mention anything gender specific either because they specifically say boys! They very SPECIFICALLY ask me in a way that whatever I say would imply I agree that I am talking about boys only. Usually, they say something like "Boys with tattoos?" and I just nod and look visibly uncomfortable. That's it! I REALLY would love to tell them, but I am too afraid and I feel physically ill after basically lying!!

    HELP! Please.
     
  2. Aven

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    You could try to partially answer their question. So for example if they ask you if you like boys with tattoos you could respond with "I like/don't like tattoos" that way you arnt lying, you're just ignoring the part of the question that relates to gender.

    It's kind of a tough one because conversations are fluid and no matter how you answer it could lead to further discussion. Another alternative, and perhaps the better one, is to tell them that you don't wish to discuss it. That way you are being completely honest and hopefully they respect your privacy and stop asking you about it.
     
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  3. justaguyinsf

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    The key is to remain calm, confident, and unshakable if you don't want to provide information. So something like "it's so mundane, but I'll let you know if I think there's something that might be of interest to you" is a good response that subtly says "back off" but is not hostile. Say it with a smile and then repeat as often as necessary until they stop asking. But never show any hostility, concern, or discomfort. Remember you're well within your rights to refuse to answer any question in a casual setting ... just be friendly about it.
     
    #3 justaguyinsf, Oct 29, 2017
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I don't think not having been with anyone should make people look at you any differently. I mean I totally get why you feel like it does. It's a difficult question to which I think I'd be inclined to reply, I don't really have a type, and I might throw in I'm open to a lot of things.the problem with the last bit is I think it invites more questions whereas I don think have a type is almost like a shut down.

    On a slightly different note, is dating something you want to do?
     
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  5. sabrinaa

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    Oh man! I wish I had thought of something so simple earlier! "I don't have a type" might have worked! Oh well, next time. There definitely will be a next time. There are people who keep asking me these questions because everyone in my little "group" knows about everyones love life except mine and I am pretty sure they suspect something.

    To answer your question about dating:

    Yes, I would like to date. It is just difficult because I am so far behind. The reason I have been eternally single is because, of corse I thought I was straight for the longest time! I refused to date anyone I did not feel a connection with. Every guy who was interested in me I turned down because I found something wrong. I was like "Oh, but he does this and I don't like guys who do this". I knew I only wanted to date them just to get it over with and finally experience a boyfriend, but when I thought of saying yes I just basically had panic attacks and was like "this is going to be too much work!, I don't want a boyfriend!". I only FINALLY came out to myself and to a very small amount of people about a year ago because I fell for this girl who broke my heart. I liked her, she liked me, but we just could not click and I think she was struggling with her sexuality. I wanted to tell someone so badly and thats how I came out to both myself and others. I was so certain of my feelings for this girl I was like "This feels different, I actually want this person so bad it hurts".

    Yes, I would like to date, but I am just so new to this and unfamiliar. Dating apps scare me. I am afraid of ###### because I fear someone I know will see me on it. I actually have met and sort of befriended a group of queer people who know I am gay so I was just hoping the community is so small that someday one of these people will just be like "Oh, she is single date her" and that is it haha. It's like I am so used to being single, I am not even trying. But, yes I would love to date and hopefully actually find a partner for once in my life. I am just not trying though because I also require deep connections, I can't see myself just casually dating or hooking up. I don't feel normal because of my lack of experience and it makes me feel bad.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I totally get it. I was in your position until I was in my mid 20's. I had always assumed I was straight but that my shyness and social awkwardness were the reasons id never really been that fussed about guys. When I was in my teens and early 20's it didn't bother me as much that id never dated I just always assumed it would happen one day but the older I got the more it bothered me. So I totally get it but honestly it isn't something you should worry about. Anyone that doesn't want to date you because of your lack of experience isn't someone you probably want to date anyway.
    I think you should put yourself on some dating sites, let's face it anyone who sees you on there is also going to be gay or bi and so chances are they aren't going to say anything about you because otherwise you could return the favour. Dating websites don't have to mean casual dating and hookups, I mean some of the apps are more focuses on that but it doesn't have to be. If you can just bring yourself to put yourself out there a bit I am sure you will be rewarded with great things.
    Befriending the LGBT people is a great start do you see them often?
     
  7. Devil Dave

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    Nip it in the bud and say "none of your business" or "I don't do love life discussions." If they have a problem with it, tell them to go talk to someone else. You don't have to say you haven't been with anyone, just say those sorts of subjects are not what you share with people.

    It's up to YOU when you start having sexual experiences, and it's up to YOU who you discuss those experiences with. Just because you are a nice likeable person doesn't mean you don't deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Don't feel like a freak because you haven't been with a boyfriend or girlfriend - consider it part of your uniqueness. Nobody can force you to open up about your sexuality, they still need to respect your boundaries.
     
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  8. r2de2baca

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    possible replies to what is your type:
    i dont really have a type.
    i dont know i just know it when i experience it
    someone with a good heart
    i dont know really just depends.
    the universe will send me the right person for me.
    life is funny. what you think you would like you end up not liking and vice versa. so i dont get into specific types
    private like me that likes to keep work and personal life separate (in other words mind yo own bidness!)
     
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  9. Hushhh

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    I’d tell anyone who’d ask that I’m not thinking about types because my top priority is ______.

    Getting rich, career, family, traveling, food, etc.
    or tell them that the love of your life hasn’t been born yet.
    Be creative! Haha

    I was 23 when I, you know, did it.lol
    During my teens, I’ve seen friends change partners, they fell in and out of love, and there I was just being the available friend if anyone needed ears, wanted to drink or just hang out. Anyway, sorry I don’t have a lot of ideas on how to date. But start wth subtle flirting.
     
  10. Slater

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    Just say "blondes". Verbally, it's not gender specific, it's not uncommon, it's short and to the point.

    The more words you use in your response, the more it could invite further questioning.
     
  11. Lynn12

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    When someone asks, just tell them what you like but in a way that doesn't really signify the gender. "What type of guy do you like?" I like someone who is average height, someone who has a sense of humor, nice eyes is a plus, and so on.
     
  12. Ardee

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    I'm 33 and no one has ever kissed me/slept with me etc...and no one I talk to gets to know that enless I tell them. I (like you) am not a failure in any way, shape or form because of this. Just be yourself!
     
  13. looking for me

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    before i came out, i used to say 'oh their out there somewhere, i'll find them eventually....' and leave it at that. since coming out, it's more ' just havent found the right guy yet' if they dont know the look on the faces is priceless.