Hi, I'm thirty four. When I was about ten I realised there was a possibility I was gay. I was also aware that gay people were at worst despised and at best just a joke. When I was probably twelve or maybe a little bit older I realised that this was now a serious concern and I basically prayed( until I stopped believing) to not be gay and then just behaved like I was straight because then I would be. I think for large parts of my life after that I really convinced myself that I was straight and just had to meet the right person. Maybe because of the above or maybe for other reasons, I have been constantly anxious and for the last decade I have had serious bouts of depression with suicidal ideation. Which sucks. And sometimes I feel that the answer is coming out. I am terrified to do that. Also I am unsure. Sometimes I fantasize about men, and it feels really good. But sometimes I fantasize about women and that feels good. But I'm not sure is the good feeling about women the relief that I might not be gay. I don't know how to know I'm gay for definite, or bisexual for definite. What do I do or how do I know? I've told one friend and several therapists. I never said that "I'm gay" and lets move this along, I said stuff like "there's a possibility I might be gay and here's why". I really just want to feel better and if coming out is the thing, well then ok. I just want to know what other people think or if they have felt similar how did they approach it.
Have you seen a lgbt therapist so you can discuss sexuality in more detail as this helped me as well as posting on this forum. So other than fantasises have you felt any attraction to men or women in real life? What made you think you were gay when you were younger? Think we need to know more about you before we can really comment.
Hey There, I just want you to know that I totally hear you on the anxiety and depression front and do wonder if coming out completely to everyone and most importantly living authentically will help with that. I don't have the answer, but I did feel a positive shift in my feelings around my self and also owning my sexuality when I was able to tell my mum, sisters and husband about it. I identified to them as bisexual, as I felt it was the safer term considering I am married to a man with 2 kids. I felt saying I was gay would make people think I wasn't actually serious or worse that i'd tricked my husband into marriage. How about you - how did it feel to talk about it with your friend? liberating? Please know that sexuality is a spectrum and there are many ways in which we can feel attraction- sexual, emotional etc. Its quite a trip down the rabbit hole when you start analyzing which came first - the chicken or the egg. As in - were you born with the desire for women or did you force desire and over the years it became the norm kind of like being brainwashed. I hear you...I do these circles in my head too. Sometimes I think trying to fit myself into a label causes more anxiety then just accepting how I feel moment to moment. I really think Lia444's advice above to seek a specialized LGBT therapist is a wonderful idea if you haven't already and a good way for you to bounce some thoughts around in conversational manner. Are you single? Is there a way you can explore your feelings further by experimenting and seeing what feels right? It sounds to me like you definitely know you are somewhere on the scale and so don't ever think that you can't come out unless you have a label. Its really no ones business if you identify as gay or bi. And as you discover more of yourself you may find this changes. We are all here for you.
Hey, no I haven't seen an LGBT therapist, which I think is probably a good idea. About the attraction in real life. I don't really know. I'm aware that there are people in the world who see a person and are like "boom", i really very badly would like to have consensual sex with that person, but maybe that's not me or I half think that I have been perpetually anxious so maybe that's why that has never really happened. I don't really know how to answer the what made you think you were gay. I remember being worried about being gay before anything else related to it. But it is like along time ago, so, hard to know what came first. Chicken wise.
I don’t get that instant attraction either so also found this difficult but I fantasise about women a lot, am obsessed with many females celebs and like watching lesbian movies and so want to feel that special connection with someone, that spark, that intimacy. I quite happily went along saying I was straight eventhough that didn’t really feel right and wasn’t really interested in guys but just kept telling myself that I haven’t met the right one yet. Anyway I’m not quite sure what triggered it but have only really felt this way about women this last year so has been abit confusing. But have noticed that I am now more present and notice feelings etc more so maybe try clearing your mind and doing some relaxation and see what pops into your head. When you say you fantasise, this is when you are awake and not asleep? Sorry if tmi but do you masturbate to these fantasies?
carruthers...I went to an LGBT therapist and it made literally a world of difference. I came out here on empty closets in Dec. 2014. It was a huge step even though it was on an anonymous website. A year latter I saw the therapist for the first time. By then I had almost crawled back in the closet. EC kept me going but I desperately needed to talk face-to-face with someone. Sitting in his office, knowing that whatever I said would be confidential and that the therapist was himself gay, I still could barely utter those three words..I am gay. His help and guidance have helped me in so many ways that I would have to write a much longer post to list them all (I will if you'd like me to). Try to find an LGBT therapist...they will likely understand just how you feel....David
Hey, thanks for that. Yeah I think that would be a good step. I would be interested in the type of things and how he helped you?
Thanks Butterflies85. I suppose when I talked to that friend, he was cool about it, but I guess I told him because I thought well if I say this to someone, everything would get better. It was almost two years ago now and we don't really talk about it. Maybe he's sort of just not saying anything until I bring it up. I suppose I could experiment, but I haven't ever with men and I stopped really years ago with women because partly when I think I might be gay I feel dishonest or like i'm a bad person for it and I get very anxious about the whole other people and sex anyway. I don't know if that makes sense.
Yeah I think in my world that feels like tmi but I guess this is sort of the point of this too. Sometimes I like want to masturbate about gay sex, not any particular person really. And then I watch I guess too much porn ( not really that much) and then i'll watch mostly straight porn, but not exclusively. It's sort of like how Butterflies85 described it being a rabbit hole. I don't really know is it because i like it or because I wanted to not be gay (like it was my number one goal for a long time - it's not anymore) so it's all very confusing. tmi? I would put in a smiley face but I prefer words.
To make things even more confusing is, what porn you like doesn’t always match your sexuality. Some straight people like gay porn and vice versa. I think you would be best to speak to a lgbt therapist and just try to be yourself and not worry about any gay thoughts, just acknowledge them for what they are and see how you feel. Would dating or trying to meet lgbt people be a possible option or do you feel you need a label first? As that’s what I thought to begin with but then felt I couldn’t confirm my label without meeting more people so is sort of a catch 22.
You should just try to date men that you find attractive and that you know are also interested in other men. Going to therapy to talk about your feelings without putting those feelings into action in real life is at best a half step. Heck you don't even need to be in therapy to try out being gay. I had one session with my therapist during which I told her for the first time that I was attracted to other men and may be gay (although I had been married to and was divorcing a woman at the time), in response to which she said "well, you should try it out" ... and that's what I did within one week ... no hand-wringing or drawn out navel-gazing. I had my answer.
carruthers....I thought it might be better to answer your questions on your Profile Page. Please check there for a post I sent to you....David
Makes sense yes. It sounds like this whole subject is still very raw for you. Which is understandable. We all come to peace with our sexuality in different ways and if experimenting does not feel right for you then you shouldn't force it. Hopefully seeing a LGBT therapist will help you with some of the shame you might be feeling about yourself. Let us know how you go on your journey - take care
I want to caution you with regard to the advice given here that you should experiment with men to get answers. It's not a bad idea, per se, but do realize that early sexual experiences can be indeterminate for you. If you have a bad or somewhat negative experience, is that because you aren't gay or is it because you lack experience and it didn't go well because of that. Without some experience, you will likely be more nervous, which can interfere with your performance. Performance anxiety, inexperience, overthinking, overanalyzing, and sometimes just pure amazement that you're having sex with a guy can all be rather overwhelming. If you still experience internalized homophobia and shame, that can also interfere with having a positive experience. So, my caution to you is simply that you could have a less than ideal first or second experience that leaves you thinking you must not be gay after all, when in reality it is just that you needed more time to get used to the new experiences. So, my advice to you is that you should experiment with guys, but with the understanding that it may take a while for things to settle and for you to know it's right for you.
It is possible that you are a bisexual leaning gay (people tend to think you have to be equal or nearly equal in your attractions to men and women, but that's often not the case): in other words you could be more attracted to men than women. Or perhaps you are just gay? Hoping this will gradually become clear to me also.... perhaps we need to ditch the labels and just work on accepting ourselves as people with strong SSAs? I have been using gay as an adjective to describe myself of late as it seems to cover a bit of a spectrum from mostly gay to fully gay and because this is how I feel since having a sexual relationship with a woman. I also think there is pressure to identify as gay or straight from society as people find that easier to deal with. I struggle daily with my label. I haven't fully accepted myself yet as I would rather be straight if I could choose, due to my personal circumstances.
I agree. Being straight would be easier. As would being gay I think. Bi seems a little more confusing
And people are likely to be less understanding of a bisexual label as they read from that "Why can't she continue in her current relationship?" and people also think that your head will be turned more easily if there is any possibility you are attracted to a different gender partner than your current one. I think my female partner would prefer it if I were identifying as100% gay. She regards both men and women as potential threats....she finds it hard to believe that I find her totally sexy, though I am working hard to demonstrate this clearly in ways that will help her feel secure.
Exactly. If I’m w Exactly. If I’m with someone I’m monogamous just beacause I’m attracted to men doesnt mean I will cheat with one. It’s an attraction to both sexes, it’s not a requirement to be with both
