Not really sure what I’m looking for with this post. Guess I just want to think out loud, so to speak, and get feedback on what I say. This will probably be a long and kind of rambling post, so thanks in advance to anyone who goes through the whole thing. So, I’m going to start out with some background. I’m a 24 year old male. I’ve just recently come to terms with being bisexual, after having denied or ignored it for most of that time. I’m out to basically all my friends, as well as my parents and only brother. My more extended family doesn’t know, and honestly I’ll probably never tell some of them unless it becomes relevant, aka I start dating a guy. Problem is, I’ve also never been on a date, ever. Never had a girlfriend, never had a boyfriend, nothing. I asked out one girl in high school, but it turned out she already had a boyfriend. I asked out one girl, and a trans guy I thought was a girl (just starting to transition), in college. The girl turned me down, the trans guy wasn’t interested because he was still figuring things out (to be fair at the time I wasn’t willing to admit I might like guys anyway, so it was probably for the best). Other than that there have been several people I’ve thought about asking out, but never got around to due to lack of courage or them getting into relationships before I could work up the nerve to make a move. So, what does this have to do with anything? Why am I wasting your time with all this backstory. Well mostly it’s because I’m getting tired of being single, and want to finally try dating. I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling lonely lately. Maybe it’s because I don’t see my friends from college as much anymore, maybe it’s because I’m getting older, maybe it’s because I’ve finally accepted I’m bisexual. Whatever the reason, I want to try dating someone. The problem is I don’t really know how. I guess that’s not really true, I do know how, in an academic sense. First, you have to meet someone you like. Then you get to know them a bit. Then either ask them out and hope they say yes, or get asked out by them. Then you do stuff together, and so on. I guess where I’m getting stuck is the meeting people thing. So far, I’ve mostly bumbled through my life, hopping to meet someone that I like and that likes me back. That clearly hasn’t worked, so I’m thinking I need to take a more active approach. That’s where I’m getting stuck. From what I can see, there are three main options at this stage in my life. Dating apps, bars/clubs, and LGBTQ+ meetup events. I’ll put my thoughts on these out below. Dating apps: Don’t really like this option. From everything I’ve heard, most of them suck. They don’t really do a good job of matching you with people, if you get matched at all. I know some people do find love on them, but I feel like they’re the exceptions that prove the rule. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know much about them. One of my friends showed me the one he was on once. Basically, you just looked at pictures and swiped one way for yes, the other for no. I’m not a particularly good-looking guy, so I don’t like the idea of something that is solely based on looks. I don’t feel like many people would swipe the yes way for me when there are likely plenty of other dudes out there who are way better looking than me. Besides that, from what I’ve read here, it sounds like most of the LGBTQ+ themed ones are more for hookups then actual dates. I’m not necessarily saying I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to be a virgin forever. But I would kind of like to try dating someone first. Maybe I’m old fashion, maybe I’ve seen to many romantic comedies (though as stupid as most of those are one is to many) but I like the idea of getting into a relationship, getting to know someone a bit, then doing sex later when I know I can trust them. Bars/Clubs: Here we get into the fun world of social anxiety. I’m not diagnosed with social anxiety, but I’m fairly certain I have it in some mild form. I really don’t see myself being able to just go to a bar, see someone I like, and walk up and talk to them. In the past when I’ve gone to bars It’s been with friends, and I mostly just sit and talk to the people I know. I’m not even sure if I’d have the courage to go to a bar looking for a date by myself. I feel like I’d need a wing man or something, someone to help me relax long enough for the alcohol to kick in. There’s also the issue of most of my friends being straight, and at least at the moment, I’m leaning toward dating guys more than girls. I don’t know if any of my straight friends would want to go to a gay bar. I’ve only got one LGBTQ+ friend who lives close enough to make wing manning feasible, and he’s under age. I’ve also heard, here and other places, that sometimes bi people aren’t treated particularly well in gay bars, so that also makes me nervous. LGBTQ+ meetups: Of the three options, this one seems the most feasible to me. Assuming the meeting has a fair turnout, it would allow me to meet a bunch of other LGBTQ+ people. Since it’s an LGBTQ+ function I could assume that the guys there are interested in guys (guess there could be straight trans guys or maybe an ace guy, but I would assume they would be a minority). Obviously the whole not-great-looking thing would still be an issue, but at least here I could use humor and personality to make up for it. This would also likely give me a change to get to know people before asking them out, which sounds good since then we could have at least some idea if our personalities would mesh. I also, for whatever reason, feel more confident about this then the bar thing. Maybe it’s because I feel there’s less pressure to act there? I don’t know. The only issue I have, is that I’m not sure how active of an LGBTQ+ community there is in my area. I do live in a pretty good sided city, and I did find a Pride Center nearby that seems to have a lot of stuff going on. The problem is that when I actually tried to go to one of the events a few weeks back, no one was there. The building it was supposed to be in closed for the night. I know I was in the right place, I checked the address about fifty times before going. They had another thing today, but according to their Facebook page (which I found after the first botched attempt) only about four people were going. Obviously, that doesn’t mean only four people would have been there, not everyone checks those things, but it still made me wonder if this is an active group or not. Maybe I’m over thinking this, maybe I just need to suck it up and do something. I don’t know. Overthinking this would be in character for me. I’ve defiantly missed dating opportunities in the past because I thought about it too long and they found someone else. Honestly, I really don’t know what to do. I guess that’s why I’m posting this here, looking for advice. Maybe I’ll get it, maybe I won’t. Who know. Worth a shot at least. I understand that getting into a relationship won’t solve my problems, and I know it’s a lot of work. I’m not expecting to just meet someone, fall in love, and get married like in the movies. I know it probably won’t work out. That I’ll likely get my hear broken and so on. However, I’m 24 years old, roughly a third of the way through my life assuming I live an average span, and I’ve never gone on a date. I feel like there’s this whole part of the human experience, both good and bad, that I’m missing out on, and I guess I just want to give it a try. Anyway, If you’ve read all this and feel like you could help I’d appreciate it. Thanks.
Don't be so critical of your appearance. There are lots of things you can pretty easily change about it (no surgeries or stuff like that) to make yourself look a little more appealing and people who like every variety of body types.
I try not to be. Honestly my opinion of my looks goes up and down a lot, it's kind of annoying. Some times I look in the mirror and think I'm not that bad. If I trimmed up my beard (I'm pretty lazy about that), lost maybe ten pounds, and put on a bit of muscle, I might actually be kind of handsome. Other times I just look away because I really don't like what I see. I think it varies with my mood, the happier I am the more likely I am to cut myself some slack.
Hello, jam! I see your... I don't know what you would call it, frustration? Envy? Whatever it is, it would never represent the end of the world. Logically, the three options you mentioned are the most plausible if you want a very physical relationship, but you should also not forget about coincidences and how unpredictable things can happen. You never know how and when you can get to meet a girl or a guy. Through a family member, a friend or work, you can't predict the future! Unfortunately, that can be hardwork for people who don't do well at socializing, whatever the reason for that might be. First of all, you have to embrace yourself. As an adult who embraced their sexual orientation you should find it easier to, act like yourself. Be natural. Don't fake anything, be who you really are and at least someone from the crowd will like you for who you are. Even though not all of love stories that start with great first impressions keep going, you should always expect the best from any interaction with other people, especially those you barely know. Getting to know new people can be easier than you might think. You don't have to force yourself into dressing up to go to a bar just to find a date. If you're not up for it, just don't do it. Once or twice wouldn't hurt. You might get to like the ambiance and/or meet someone. I'm sure a lot of other events you can attend represent more ways of meeting new people, and developing new relationships. You shouldn't be shy all the time; you have to drop a barrier or two so you can let more people get to know you. Last option might be the online stalking. You find someone who is gay and active on social media and try to see how he gets dates and picks up guys. Ask for advice from the experienced. They always know better xx I wish you great luck!! ♡ I'm available if you want to talk!
I’m biologically female so my experience will be different to yours, but in my opinion dating apps are not always has bad as people think. Keep your wits about you, have an idea of what you’re looking for (in terms of a few dates, a one night fling or a long term relationship) before you start using them and you’ll probably get on better. Also, not all dating apps are the same, you might need to try a few before you find one you like. They are not for everyone though so if they are not for you then that’s totally fine! As for meeting in person, is there a meet up group or an lgbt+ inclusive sports group? Even if you’re not into sport sometimes going along for a bit of fun will let you meet others and they often do social events too. Not having been in previous relationships isn’t an issue at all but you might want to discuss that with a partner if it starts moving too quickly etc. In your twenties there is a big mix. Some folk have been actively dating others for nearly 10 years and had multiple relationships whereas others will never have dated. Good communication will allow a relationship to work when there is different levels of experience as otherwise the one with more experience may put a bit of shyness etc down to you being not interested so you need to let them know if you are just a bit shy about dating etc. Good luck with dating and take care
