New beginnings and fear

Thank you, @Mabel ❤️ It is all so hard, as you know! I mourn for my sweet simple life before all of this came out. But we have to trust that things will be better if we are honest with ourselves. Thank you again! Hugs back to you!

 

I heard this Disney song while driving today from Mulan. I started crying.. so spot on and emotional for many us going through this. If you think about Mulan, she didn't fit into the image of being a perfect bride as expected of her.



My mom came into town today and so far it has been several emotional conversations. Her and my dad still have such a hard time with truly accepting this side of myself. My extended family is very veryyyy fundamental Christian conservative. My grandparents, aunts, uncle, in laws will be heartbroken and I'm sure will pass their judgment. As I begin to come to terms with myself, the burden of the judgment of my family is getting heavier. This really is all an uphill battle. Things won't be easy but I hope they will be worth it. Here is one more link that one of my new friends shared with me from a friend of hers who does art representative of LGBTQ issues that is also so spot on for the coming out process.

https://instagram.com/p/BaIQUz1FmiE/

 

Things have still been so crazy.. I’m hoping my life gets a tad more boring soon! I haven’t had time or the urge to post here because any down time I get, I need. This will be lengthy.. many updates.

Last week my mom was in town, and as I mentioned it was challenging as she was emotionally going through her own acceptance of my reality. She is an emotional person, and she would start crying randomly, saying things she probably shouldn’t to me. She circled around the fact that my husband is amazing, that this would all be so hard on our daughter in the future, what if I don’t find someone who wants kids?.. what I had was so good. These are obviously all of the things I have been facing for several months, so watching her go through the motions was just too much. I stood strong and didn’t cry myself when she did but it sucked. One and a half weeks separated and I was staying in the house I just moved out from with my emotional mom!.. ugh not what I needed. She even at one point said “maybe I would be okay having a gay daughter because I have two other daughters” (wtf). She also said “I feel like I did something when you were younger wrong to make this happen”. Punches to the gut. Since then she has come around and is more gentle with comments, but I am realizing just how insanely homophobic both of my parents are. Makes sense why accepting being gay has been the hardest thing for me.

The last day she was in town I found out my husband’s Grandma is on hospice, so I decided to make the 10 hour drive with my toddler to see her (my husband would fly directly there from his trip in Germany). So after a brutal drive, I spent a full day with my husband and his very Mormon parents who know everything. So that was fun! They didn’t talk about anything and I was nice and social but it was awkward. I think it meant a lot to them and my husband that I made the trip.

Now I am back home and exhausted in every way. I had a date with a 3rd girl last night and a date with another on Wednesday. The girl last night was cool but I am not all about her. She invited me to go out with her friends on Thursday.. apparently she is part of the tight lesbian community here and knows most of them. Sounds like it will be a fun time. I really liked a girl I met last week, but the texting has become scarce. Oh the joys of the dating world and tying to figure people out.

It all seems so fast but I know I need to answer things. Nothing has “happened” so I still feel like there is a big question mark. I have days I am so confident I am gay, and then I go back and fear I have it all wrong. Seeing my husband is painful. I love him and care for him dearly. He really is an amazing man. I am still terrified that I could lose him forever when life may not be better on this other side. I am hoping for clarity soon. I have a feeling I am not too far from getting there.

 

Thank you so much ❤️ Yeah the last few days have been tough. Today I had the interview with the community college and although she wanted to hire me, it was only one class and no benefits so not a feasible option. I have been quite depressed since then. I feel terrified of everything and scared for my future. In these moments I think that going back really is not a bad option. My husband and I had an overall good happy life until this all came up. But I know better and know that I have only scratched on the surface of figuring things out. In the last hour I think I have also decided I’m going to go all in with photography and tutor on the side. I’ve been trying to give myself a safety net but nothing is working as I want to grow my business. I think serious risks and faith are needed right now. I have to trust everything will work out.

But yes I also need to give myself time for me. I don’t function well with this much craziness.

 

Thanks so much. I have to remind myself that I have every right to feel overwhelmed right now. Considering everything I suppose I’m handling things decently. I’m still functioning! Lol.

Yes photography and tutoring would be very flexible. But it’s terrifying to not have stable income on the side. People do it and grow their businesses and I do think I really could myself. But it also sounds sort of reckless. Things to think about! I’ve got another month or so to decide if I want to return next semester to my current school. Hoping by then I have a better idea of what I want.

 

Yep it is! I’ve been second-shooting and have booked a couple of my own, so I already have a good portfolio and think I can grow. But of course scary to put all the eggs in that basket and go for it. I may end up just doing a side job with low stress in addition to it.

 

All wonderful advice! Thanks so much. Most of it I either knew or have heard, but is helpful to have the reminder and to see it all reiterated. The problem is I am so scattered with teaching and this mess so so I haven’t had the time to really focus on growing. If I had more time then I really think I could buckle down and make it work. It’s a tough balance.

 

Hi @OED27x! Thanks for checking in. Sorry to hear life is hectic for you too. Today is probably the most depressed I have been in a long time. I am starting to feel like I have destroyed every bit of my life and it’s hard to see things working out. I know things will improve but man this sucks. And yes the reality of only seeing my daughter half of the time when I was still getting used to having her in full time preschool after being a stay at home mom.. ugh it’s painful. This is a very difficult journey. I just hope it’s worth it and I don’t have it all wrong.

 

Thank you, @Contented! That is inspiring to read. This week I’ve crawled a few steps back due to fear and uncertainty, but I know it is part of the process. I hope to be more self-assured soon. I’m so happy to hear life is much happier for you!