It's been awhile since I posted anything new and I think it is time to move on from my other thread. That part of my life has ended. I am running, sometimes stumbling, down this new path and I think its time to start anew. I have been living on my own now for almost a month. The noises of the apartment are no longer new and exciting. Now they are just backdrops to my life. The door that slams every night around 10pm when my neighbor gets home. The kids down the hall that get a little too excited when they are playing on the weekend. And the clock in my kitchen that loudly ticks off the seconds, slowly reminding me that time is moving forward. That I am moving forward. Some days I wake up and wonder what they hell kind of mess I have gotten myself into. I live the same routine everyday and every night I come home to an empty apartment. I miss the comfort of knowing that there was another person to share my life with. But then I am reminded that I do not miss the pain that was so prevalent in the end. I do not miss the torture from the unknown decisions and the constant hurt we saw in each others eyes. Most days I am happy and feel at peace. There is a calm that is in my life now. I am finally allowing myself to live for me and me alone. And with that new found freedom has come changes. Simple things that to the casual observer would go unnoticed but to me mean so much. I wear my glasses more often and rarely wear my contacts. Zipper hoodies and slouchy beanies are taking over my closet. I wear less make-up. And no longer am I afraid that with my haircut, glasses, and zipper hoodie I "look like a lesbian." I no longer care what image I project to the world because for the first time in my life I have found an inner happiness and acceptance and that alone makes my heart sing. I have joined several meet-up groups and am forcing myself to go beyond my comfort level. I have also reignited a passion of mine and will be volunteering with the Department of Natural Resources. My soul belongs in nature and I am hoping this will help keep me sane on those days when the emotions come flooding back. But that is enough of my rambling for tonight. It is 10:00 and the door just slammed shut. My clock is continuing to tick and my new life awaits.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I also moved out a month ago into an apartment, and I relate so much to what you are saying. I still have waves of mixed emotions, but I’m also finding comfort in discovering the real me.
I can feel the energy and optimism in your post! I am so proud of you. Being in a similar situation of newly on my own, I can relate to a lot of this. I unfortunately still feel deep ties to my family and can’t quite let me old life go making it hard for me to fully accept if I am gay. I look forward to more updates and I am excited to see where this path takes you (..both of us!). Thanks for sharing your optimistic strength. I’m needing this right now.
I am excited for this as well. We have been on pretty much the same timeline for quite awhile now. I can't tell you how many times I have found strength in your posts on the days when I was struggling so I am glad to offer some optimism to you as well. This is far from easy, but it feels right and with time I hope that you find the peace you deserve as well. Hahaha, yeah that will be the "oh crap now I am scared/excited out of my mind" post. That is when I will really need your therapy services.
Aw well I'm glad I offered you strength in the past. I feel like I am crawling back a few steps now as my mind has been running. There are a lot of two steps forward, one step back in this process!
I really loved this. I won’t be living alone but I can relate....the marriage will eventually end and the truth is being told. Everyday there is something new that brings me out of my comfort zone, Resources are few here but I keep looking and trying to put myself out there. My eldest daughter now knows and slowly we have begun to tell family...it’s scary and a weight seems to be lifted at the same time....I just keep trying to move forward. This post was just so real and so full of feelings I can relate to. Peace.
Thank you, that means a lot to me. I don't know what it is about this community that has allowed me to talk freely about such raw details of my life, but I am glad to have the chance to do so. You all have been truly amazing and I cannot thank you enough. My wish for everyone is that your soul finds peace on this journey.
Glad to read that you are finding your rhythm with calmness and new experiences. I'm so very happy for you!
That's really cool to hear that you feel like you can be yourself. I have always felt comfortable in my own skin. It seems that others don't feel comfortable with me and my looks. I might not be the prettiest girl but I've been told that I have a kind heart and a generosity that is unconditional. I am so happy that you have found peace in your life. My peace will come too. Maybe one day our paths will cross and we can all have a moment of peacfullness and just celebrate being the amazing women that we are.
@leb10 thank you! You would be glad to know that I am actually listening to Tegan and Sara right now while I try to finish a presentation for work and not slack off on EC... @junebug99 if we ever get the chance to meet up the first round is on me.
Ok. We're on. So the next time you're in Ontario Canada, I know a good bar to go to. Remember to dress warm though its freezing here.
