Ok,here it is. I am a 25 year old male and up until a few months ago never considered i might be gay but, now looking back i realize perhaps i have been repressing some things without being aware i am doing it. I never experienced a crush as a young child, and never felt any kind of interest in girls at all. Dating, romance, and curiosity about womens bodies were just not a factor in the majority of my life. As i got older though, i started to notice the absence of these feelings. I would ask myself for years when i was going to understand what all the o her guys were feeling towards girls. I felt like i was waiting for something that never came. Finally, around 18 i got a girlfriend but , it was only because she persued me. Might as well right?. At first i hade a difficult time with the sex. It required a lot of concentration to keep myself going until the end. That past though and i guess i coonditioned myself to perform on command. I would even seek it out at times. We eventually broke up because of my drinking and a growing resentment i felt towards her for reasons i cant explain. Years go by and i dont look for another girl or even really miss it. Now to the present. I am a delivery driver for home depot and drive hundreds of mile a day. While picking up a transfer from another store i encountered a very attractive, clearly gay guy employee around my age. We talk briefly about this or that and i leave to load up my truck. I could have done it on my own but for some reason i go back inside and recruit him to help me. Something about his mild femmenine mannerisms captivated me. Driving back i realize i am the happiest ive felt....ever, and i start checking every day hoping to see i have another transfer there. In retrospect i think i was actually flirting with him which is something i didnt even really understand how to do and definitely had never done with a woman. Since being gay had never occured to me before this point i dont really know what to do or think. Any insights or opinions would helpgreatly.
I previously posted this but was hoping for insights from those who might not have seen the original. Sorru if this is not permitted.
I think as kids and as make children we are brainwashed with the following: boys are supposed to like girls boys should not be effeminate boys should not like or being around effemiate boys and should not be their friends boys cannot like other boys men only like women boys have girlfriends men get married to women only men and boys who are effeminate are gay well i can tell you i was so brainwashed with this thinking that i was floored the first time i saw two masculine men holding hands. when you are programmed since birth to believe that you are designed to be straight then your mind cannot fathom or compute situations that do not follow this indoctination. if you start to have any “gay” feelings you just end up avoiding them and reinforcing your “straightness”. i personally think if kids were told its ok to like whoever you like, then we would see a lot more fluidity in adult sexual choices. even though you seemed to have little sexual interest in females you almost forced yourself to like something that doesnt seem like you really liked. id say dont label yourself and on your next trip back to that home depot if the guy is there is ok to smile chat with him and suggest grabbing coffee or drinks if he is ever interested in hanging out.
Hey I didn't see your original post sorry but I think a lot of what you said resonated with me because it's similar to my story only obviously switch all the genders around. It can be really shocking to have the revelation one day that you could be gay and have got to your mid to late 20's and never realised or thought about it but it's actually more common than you think. I agree that you don't need to slap a label on it immediately but I definitely think it could be a possibility. My advice would be to enjoy the feeling you found, allow yourself to feel gay if you like and look at guys and see how it makes you feel. Try not to force it but if it happens enjoy it. Maybe check out some LGBT movies with gay storylines and see how they make you feel .
