Married... 3 kids... confused!!

This is something you need to think about a lot. I’m in the same boat as you though. Married with kids. I love my wife to death. However, I’ve never almost broken my neck checking out girls. I spent years trying to avoid it but if it’s one thing I’ve learned in 28 years of living is this: it’s not a choice. I tried for years to convince myself of that. I tried for years to choose not to be gay. But it doesn’t go away. I wish I had something better to tell you, but I also hope that this proves helpful. I haven’t came out yet because of fear. But I now know inside of me that this is who I am. I’m making strides to acceptance. It’ll be hard and it’ll mess you up inside. But take it at your own pace. PM me if you ever want to talk with someone who’s going through the same ordeal.

Kyboan

 

I completely agree. If I had a choice in the matter, this would have been settled years ago.

 

Seems like you have gotten a lot of great insight here by others sharing their stories. Especially the perspectives from older EC members who have walked a similar path. Anyway, a couple of random thoughts I have:

-As a woman I can assure you I would much rather have my husband share the truth of what he is actually struggling with rather than be faced with excuses of why he can't have sex with me (stomach hurts, tired, head hurts.) This would really chip away at my self esteem/image because at some point I would take these excuses as exactly that--excuses to not have sex with me. Which would make me think there must be something 'wrong'/unattractive/unappealing about me or that there is an affair going on. This will very likely become an issue and one that she will demand an explanation for at some point. Either that or she will quietly internalize the issue assuming the problem is her, which is a tough emotional place to be.

-You mention random people assuming you are gay. Have you ever mentioned this to your wife? Said something like, 'Joe at work told me a customer came in today and thought I was gay...so weird...' It might be interesting to get her reaction.

-I understand your reservations about therapy. But I think anyone who has been in therapy for three years and states it's not working is either with the wrong (or just a bad) therapist or has entered in therapy not being truly open to the process. Sometimes people want to use therapy as place to either complain, or when therapists 'hit a nerve' want to change the subject asap. A good therapist will outline at the outset what your goals are for therapy, and how you will know when it's time to end therapy. They will challenge thinking patterns that cause you distress, and offer different perspectives on situations you are struggling with. I have been in therapy on and off since my 20's and I can say that it is only in my 40's with this therapist, that I have honestly been fully engaged in the therapeutic process; and fully honest--and that has made all the difference. I know you live in a small town, but online therapy is an option that is becoming more popular. And less costly too.

I know you are dealing with a lot right now, and I am wishing you all the best. I hope reading stories here helps you know that others have made it through similar situations. Take good care.

-

 

Kyboan,

Please believe @Moonsparkle here. This is exactly what happened in my marriage to my wife. She internalized my lack of desire, unbeknownst to me, as there being something wrong with her. She's too fat, too ugly, too old, etc. I didn't realize that I had severely damaged her self-esteem. It makes sense to me now, of course, but I was blind to it at the time.

 

on being gay is a choice: you can choose your behaviors but you cant choose your attractions. you like what you like. you are attracted to what you are attracted to. doesnt mean you have to act on it but it also means its not going to go away. you like dudes. you also like the woman you are with. are you “gay”? who knows. who cares. thats just some label that modern society has come up with. the fact remains you are a male that is attracted to men and also your wife. you can call yourself whatever name or label you want but it doesnt change your attractions.

what should you do? you have three options:
1. repress the gayness and never act on it and only be with your wife sexually but just know what you repress wont go away.

2. cheat on wife and experiment through gay hookup sexual encounters: you could be putting your health and your wifes health on the line and violating your marriage vows.

3. separate or divorce wife and explore being with men. remember you are already attracted to men. you would just be acting on it now. if the experiences sucked (no pun intended) then you would feel a lot of regret for divorcing/separating.

my advice: dont do any of the above right now. seek counseling from a therapist where you can have a safe place to work all of this out on your own time. dont make any hasty decisions.

 

you mentioned therapy is not an option. maybe there is a coming out peer talk line? i dont know bro.

analogy. you take your car you have had for four years into the shop for the annual checkup. mechanic says you dont need to do anything about it now but eventually your rear shocks/struts are showing some signs of leaking and you have to get them replaced. its going to be a big job but if you dont do it you will eventually damage the entire car. dont wait until the car is beyond repair to fix the problem. right now you may just decide to hold off on the repair but eventually the signs and sounds of squeaking and rough rides are going to prompt you to fix the problem. no need to make a decision now but if this were your car i doubt you will say “oh whatever i will just run this car into the ground for years and spend a ton of money on a brand new one whenever the wheels fall off.” your sexuality is the same. you can ignore the signs if trouble for a while or years but eventually since the gayness aint going away, the wheels are gonna fall off and you’ll be forced to deal with it in a way that will cost you more at that time than fixing it now.