If/when I tell my partner, I'm concerned that our separation will be put entirely down to my sexuality. Admittedly that would be a big part of it, and a deciding factor, but it's not the only reason that our relationship hasn't worked. My sexuality doesn't make our relationship any less real, and there have been two of us in this relationship, so from my perspective, it would be a massive oversimplification to say my sexuality is the reason we would be splitting up. For example, years ago my partner saw another woman after work. I don't believe anything happened, but he said he was excited by the thought of somebody seeing them together. For me, that had a huge impact on my view of our relationship, I stopped seeing it as a 'forever' relationship. For context, this was shortly before I started questioning. I'm concerned that from my partners perspective, and from the outside, it could look like I'm the only reason we're splitting up, which I don't think is fair. We've both played a part in bringing our relationship to where it is. My partner isn't great at admitting or discussing his faults with regards to our relationship, he'll normally deny it ever happened, or laugh it off and make it's my interpretation that's at fault. So, if it comes to it, do I just forget all about it, or do I start a conversation about our relationship in general? Is it worth the effort? Part me thinks it is, because we would be in regular contact due to our daughter, so we'd need to be better at communicating. I've been thinking about this because twice in the last week or so, he's said things that suggest he might have an idea of what's going on. For example, when I'd already seen a film that he hadn't, he said I must have seen it with my lesbian lover, and a different evening he said 'no wonder you've put this film on, a bit of lesbian action'. These comments have been happening for about two years, but have become a lot more frequent recently. I might be reading to much into it, but I'm no good at playing it cool, so I'm probably not helping myself.
I notice you are based in the UK, so may I recommend speaking to Relate https://www.relate.org.uk/ before you speak to your husband. The counsellors at Relate may be able to offer specific guidance and it may even benefit of both of you to visit Relate to discuss what's gone wrong in your marriage and find a healthy and amicable way to separate. What do you think?
How about suggesting relationship counselling that both of you go to. I wouldn’t bring up your questioning straightaway but focus on the other things that you are not happy about and see where that discussion takes you.
My ex husband did a lot of horrible things that led to us separating. It wasn't just my sexuality. To outsiders it may look like it was but you know what? I don't care. I really don't. I'm very happy with my new life.
My ex and i separated at the start of the year, he knew i was bi for quite some time and he knew that it wasn't the deciding factor for ending our relationship. It of course played a part but it definitely wasn't the whole of it. Since then, I've realised I'm actually gay, that i only used the label, bi, because i was married and had no other way to explain my feelings for women. I have come out to everybody in my life and I'm sure it appears that my sexuality was the reason we split. It made me angry for some time that my ex got to play the victim, while i was the bad guy. In reality, there was a lot of aggression and anger, ill treatment of my kids and general dislike of each other, but none of that was seen and it annoyed me. Now, however, i no longer care. He knows he played a part, those closest to me know how it really was and at the end of the day, i don't care what his family or friends think. I think there is always naturally a victim and a bad guy, rightly or wrongly, people get assigned those roles. As much as it hurt at times to be seen as the bad guy, I'm now proud that i had the guts to call it quits when i did, it takes a lot of strength to end a marriage, for whatever reasons.
It is very tempting for one or both parties to blame each other for the marriage going wrong. I can relate to your feelings and I too, worry that others will perceive my sexuality as the one and only factor. In reality, though, there are likely various layers to this breakdown. And sometimes relationships just come to an end or change. I do think at times that one day I may have a clearer perspective on my own marital breakdown...but also that I require time to be able to gain this kind of perspective and that it is not possible to have absolute clarity whilst in the thick of it all. We need to pass to the other side and do a certain amount of moving on first....
Thank you for your replies. I have been reading them. @PatrickUK and @Lia444 - Thank you both for the suggestion. I don't think it's something that my partner would be open to, but I suppose I could try to go myself. @Ohmydayzz and @I am here - Thank you for sharing. It's interesting that you don't care about it now you've moved on. @Peterpangirl - I agree about needing to be outside the relationship to understand it fully. I have no real sense of how good or bad our relationship it is, which isn't helped by having nothing to compare it to. I know that some things that my partner has done have bothered me, but I don't know whether I'm making a lot of small things. I'm reluctant to talk to people about my relationship in real life because of this, as well as the possibility of looking like a mug for putting up with his behaviour for so long. In my head, I separate all things that have bothered me from the person I live with day-to-day. But when I really think about it, I'm concerned about how he'd react if I came out to him. I sort of feel that I need to be ready to walk out the door, but then I think I might be being really unfair.
