The boy who danced.. what is this feeling that seems to be, to be me, in every thought and breath.

Today I came face to face with my own deepseated resistence to being me.

I saw in one of those moments, epiphanys, flash of the obvious, whatever they're called, that all the time, its me who blocks my own happiness.

But more than that, it was this 'light bulb' moment when it made sense. That everything, every little nuance of my identity is already there, I'm just catching up. As the whole world has and is saying outloud, come on Julien, we know who you are...get on the program then dear. What's the fuss your making about.

Of course I'm queer, it makes such sense, flash of the obvious... not one thing but everything, a multitude of things, what took me so long...dah!!!

And it's, I'm nothing special, as a dear dear friend once said to me point blank. But it is unique, I am unique, that is, we are each unique. Now thats special.

I saw (intuited, felt, sensed...) not as a reflection, not as a picture poster or some approximation of who one is, who I am, but that knowingness, the undeniablr feeling that is not separate, mundane and real. Not as the storybook or stereotype we project ourselves into or onto, but just as we are.

That's the me, that's you.

It is, how can I say.... label-less. Beyond idea or identity.

It is nothing to prove, disprove, argue with, against or to doubt.

While yestersay I wrote the following, as the start of this post...

How is it that as a boy I danced, each step without a care, life alive and full in every single breath.

Then came the years of formation, of straight lines and others eyes, when inclination to be this feeling, faded fell away out of view. It went away to hide.

It lived within boyhood adventures, nervous outings to movies with girlfriends and sweaty expectations, tapestries, glances and silken gloss, and bawdy half told lies.

Now it comes, there is difference in this stride. Where there at first, there were like two, straight, the other, though true, felt to hide.

Hold the mirror, grasp its edge, reflect radiant the boy sweet in its glaze. Fall away tired rusted years of defense, let go the hearts weary haze.

Look and look if you will, there never really was an other. Now, in truth, never was I found outside, as if labeled apon people and things. There's really no closet in which to hide. In plain sight there every where did I fear, a lifetime bide.

Though this feeling, comes freely now, every day it beckons full and wide, arises like morning flowers, in their petals, their coat of dew naturally glistens, they dont ponder nor do they hide.

It comes out, comes out to dance.

It sees colour and form, softness, magic, hardness too, embrace it will for sure. Its graceful, enigmatic, and austere. But try to name it this or that, interpret if you will, its mystery at you will stare.

Known in you it too is there.

I am simply me, complex, feeling, happy, sad, good and bad, wonderful, alone and embraced, and contrary to whatever past and random thoughts might suggest, there is no cutout or describing test, but simply be free, this is simply the best.

Happiness to us all in boundless ways.

With much love and nothing else to give.

Imjustjulien

 

Thank you. Beautiful. So true. I shall.

 

Hi I'm gay, I'm gay too...couldn't resist this...just love your name, says it all and so much more...uniquely you, me, everybody. May we all dance dance in the rain and the rainbow...

 

It is a joy to read your words, to drink in your love for being gay, being out, being a light....and I love those words 'loved members of gay society but especially all of society. Dancing in the rain brings to the scene in Mama Mia when everybody dancing in Venus's fountain....ala the cracked in the courtyard where the water bursts through. Wonderful .. "...we're singing and dancing in the rain..." and of course the rainbow showing our True Colours... thankyou Cyndy..