Is my husband gay.

Wow, Its been twelve years and bisexual or not he owes you something

 

He's definetly got some attraction to men. I think you guys need to go to couples counseling.

 

My heart goes out to you - I can only imagine the anxiety you must have experienced. It sounds like your husband has sexual feelings for both men and women but doesn't want to label himself as gay or bi. The younger generation actually has moved away from labels and considers themselves more sexually fluid (and also quite accepting). He has clearly made this an open relationship without your consent, which is unfortunate. Now you need to decide where to go from here. What do you want (it sounds like honesty is #1)?

 

Are you intimate often with your husband?

 

Ok, so I can only answer you from my perspective. I’m a bi married guy and have been married more than 20 years. Looking back at my life I’ve had an off and on again desire to be with guys sexually. For the majority of the time I felt shame, guilt and when I was younger and not married I’d compensate by trying to be with ladies because I’d been with a guy. Around 6 or so years ago I finally came out to myself as bi. I can’t tell you the peace I had when I did. Before that I had bouts of depression, suicidal thoughts, drinking (never violent as I ususally just fall asleep when I over did it.) and a great many other issues which obviously lead to less than wonderful times in my relationships and marriage.

So, my wife and i have had a contentious relationship for years and because she has health issues and can’t work we’re still together. The kids are grown and out of the house now. Because our relationship was less than satisfactory and I was sorting through a myriad of feelings about same sex desires I have been unfaithful to my wife with guys. Now, let me say I’m an ultra paranoid guys so if there was a scuba suit condom, i would have worn it. Thankfully being paranoid has protected me and my wife from any unwanted add-ons from my encounters. I don’t want to come across as promiscuous as these encounters have been few and far between and some with other married guys too. (BTW, there are a lot of married guys out there cheating on wives who don’t take the precautions I did and are putting themselves and thier partners at risk). I can’t speak for your husband, but I can relate to what he is feeling and it’s miserable.

As a “fix-it” attempt my wife and i have gone to therapy over the years (never with any possitive results). I was more than done with my marriage about 4 years ago and came out to my wife in a session as bi. That hasn’t ended well for me as now she not only is suspicious of other women, now she suspects men as well. Yay me!

I think you two are at a crossroads of sorts and you sound a whole helluva lot more accepting than my wife. Your husband has a lot of soul searching to do in his own journey toward sexuality realization. Once he has accomplished this incredibly important step you two have to decide a way forward in your marriage. Me, I’d be way happy if my wife and I opened our marriage so I could pursue some desires that are un-satisfied. But, she has made it clear that’s not an option.

So for now I’m sticking with our marriage until we come to some kind of resolution of staying or splitting. But I am REALLY trying to remain faithful as well. It is super hard when the two of us don’t have a sex life (I have to be honest). But I’ve so far (going on 2 years) Been surviving. Sorry for the long rant/share .... but when I read your note I had to say something. I hope you two can grow together with a renewed honesty. Hope this has helped.

 

That's why I ask. When you said you were pregnant I was concerned.

 

I'm not sure he has the right to be angry when you try to discuss something like this.

I would suggest that, if you think there is any chance to salvage your marriage, you take a realistic look at your future. Determine how you want to move forward.

Either alone or with him. And determine your limits and discuss them matter-of-factly. If he doesn't accept them then be prepared for that as well.

You deserve honesty, be honest.

 

The kids and you are what matter most. To be honest you are in it for them and the are more important than gold. I have two, the last which turns 18 in short order and my wife and I are staying put until the nest is empty. Then we take the fork in the road. For us, she had affairs and and for me I accepted what I am, but hadn't until recently. We both share some of the blame, but probably me 60% because I wasn't honest with anyone including myself.... one great big load of denial until I couldn't carry it anymore. Gay or Bi, its a risk to you and yours. Amicably, find a way for you all to find the fork which places you and your children on a safe path. I don't mean he has no right to see them (IMO), but in a way that insures you and them have zero risks of STDs, etc...

 

When I say IMO, its because too many fathers say "xxck" it to the children and have no interest in them being a part of their life. The type of male who wants to be in his childs life no matter what (assuming not a sexual predator, etc) should get some allowance of interaction for the benefit of the child. Sadly too rare that a segment of men want a true relationship with the children.

 

You need to get marriage therapy. What he did was wrong, and being "in the closet" never excuses putting someone else at risk for infection.

 

... My kids are grown now and our older one has blessed us with grandkids at a young age and they’re awesome. My wife and I sure don’t see eye to eye on my sexuality or our relationship, but we put that aside for our kids and grandkids they came first when they were at home and we love them unconditionally.

My wife feels the exact same way that you do ssc1. Believe me if I would have known / accepted by bisexuality when she and I met I would have been honest with her, but I wasn’t at the place of accepting that I could be bi then. Was that fair to her? No it wasn’t fair. But you have to look through the looking glass at us then. I wasn’t experiencing bi desires, I was very into her and the women that came before her. My rollercoaster of desires were focused on the lady side of desire until they weren’t. I can’t put my finger on any catalyst that flipped the switch the other way, but even when those desires emerged it wasn’t as if I uncontrollably acted on them.

We had a separation of sorts (she can’t work so it wasn’t exactly physical, but emotional) and I had a relationship with an awesome lady that was very accepting of my bisexuality. It broke my heart to not be able to be with her, but I’ve committed to taking care of my wife better or worse. So, that’s a bit more of my story. Perhaps your husband was like me then not knowing or accepting, but giving in to the desires of exploration. I am in no way making excuses for him, just putting a bit of my perspective on what could have happened. I am sorry that you are in this situation as it is anything but fair and your kids of course are top priority for both of you. I do hope you can both grow through this I really do.

 

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I agree. Maybe a third party (therapist) is what you both need right now to communicate to each other.

 

OMG I see myself in your husband position, first you need marriage therapy, and your husband, but let me tell you I was in a similar position, married with one kid, never felt attracted to any man in my younger age, suddenly out of curiosity (that what I thought in the beginning) I was meeting man just for oral sex. In my case the situation got out off control, so after a few meets I decided to open to my wife about it, useless to say that she was hurt, felt betrayed all those conflicting emotions. But she supported me when I went to therapy, that was a eye opening for me. Yes I had oral Sex with man, but with the help of therapy I was able to find what made me do it and work around the reason, now I'm still with my wife in a very stable relationship, we can have open conversations about it, and we were able to put that behind hus. And no... No more oral sex with man. I'm not saying that is what is happening to your husband, but what I learned with my experience is that sexuality is not black and white, gay or BI, is a complex thing, and most people when they have problems don't speak out or seek help, now you need to think what really want, and have a conversation with your husband because based on what you said it looks like you still love each other and that's a positive thing.
Hope this will help.

 

I'd say therapy won't help your husband, I've seen couples therapy sessions and I've had friends that went to marriage counseling and all the therapist does is shame the husband and tell him all the things he does wrong, it's all one sided. Yes I know this is his problem with his attraction to men but all therapy will do is shame him back into the closet and he will resent either you or himself for not being able to act on his homo desires. The best options are either to work it out with him or just break up, either way it sounds like a hell of a way to live.

 

At the very least he is experiencing some confusion about his sexuality. If it had been a one off thing you might put it down to curiosity, but there is a clear pattern here and he can't dismiss it, and nor can you.

It may be true that he is ashamed, but where is the shame coming from? Is it shame because he feels attracted to other men or is it shame because he is doing all of this behind your back? Maybe it's a combination of those feelings and more (very likely more). Shame arises from many different places, but he does need to take it on. There's nothing to be gained from being angry about it.

I don't know how you feel about him right now. At the very least, I imagine you are disappointed in him, but it sounds like you want to work things out, one way or another. Do you think he would be open to the idea of relationship counselling with you? If you go to see a relationship counsellor it will provide him with an opportunity to address the issue of his sexuality (maybe in individual sessions) and then you can see how it all fits in with your ongoing relationship. He may not like the idea of bringing it all into the open, but I think he owes it to you - and himself actually. If he refuses to go with you, don't let it stop you from discussing everything with a relationship counsellor alone. Even if he doesn't want clarity, you need to know where you are going.