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Please help me help my friend

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Guff, Oct 24, 2017.

  1. Guff

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    I've been apart of EC awhile but this is my 1st time posting in the gender part of it and wanna say Hi y'all LOL

    As the title probably implies, this post isn't about me. In real life, I attend a drawing class every week and I have a friend there who I'll call Hat. So Hat has been raised so for as guy, but confessed to me last Thursday he's none binary. I've known Hat awhile now, idk his family but from my understanding they are transphobic. So he first said he wants to be a girl but he is hoping to identity as none binary because as Hat put it "Can never be a real girl" which I find extremely sad. Im pretty sure Hats a girl stuck as a guy but because they were born In this body Hats just gonna settle with none binary. I hate that so badly, I told him or her or idk what to call Hat, I guess probably still he because he hasn't told me to change pronouns-but back on point I hate it so badly and told Hat I love him EXACTLY as he is and accept him completely and etc and than said I love him like 5 other times because coming out is scary and want him to feel the love LOL Im the only person he's come out to, and admitted to having depression over it. And said he really likes his girlfriend but doesn't know what to tell her and that he's considering just living as a guy forever. Which I'd hate if he did that, his depression would obviously only get worse... His family isn't accepting and all our mutual friends are incredibly against everything LGBT related (Were both closeted)
    I honestly just dunno what to do for him. I want him to know he's wonderful and loved and I want him to help him conquer his depression. I also wanna help him feel comfortable as a girl because I'm 90% sure that's what he'd identify as and actually is but just doesn't feel like he can ever be a real one. But I'm also not gonna push it because if none binary is what he's aiming for I wanna help him reach his goals. Idrk what else to say, I'm sorry this post is long and very poorly put together. Any help appreciated
     
  2. onlyhuman33

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow!!! Ok this is a little bit of a tough one. Are you guys under 18, or adults? It kinda makes a difference in why I ask. I feel like my initial response is to maybe advise Hat to start dressing a little more androgynously. And use that as a starting point to get family and friends a little more used to him identifying as something other than male. Before I came 100%, it was amazing how a pair of AEO's flex, skinny jeans helped a little. Of course I started growing my hair out. Also, tell him to start shaving his body hair. If anyone asks, tell him to say he is "man-scapeing". That may help to ease the dysphoria for a spell. For me, I think the term "non-binary" is his way of "compromising". It really sounds to me like he identifies way more as a woman. I used to use the term gender fluid quite a bit when I was still trying to figure out which gender I most identified as well. Since I've transitioned, I haven't even slightly felt masculine. I think that is exactly what Hat is going through, and my heart aches for him that he feels he can't comfortably discover his own actuality. I will probably have more to say on this, but I really have to get running. Literally, have to get my run in this morning. But if I think of anything else I'll be sure to post.
    Both of you, Be strong!!! Be empowered!!! And be well!!! *Big Hugs*
     
    Arianna240985 likes this.
  3. Guff

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    Hat actually already is growing out his hair, it's already to his shoulders. I'm not trying to "diss his manhood" not that he's really even a guy but he naturally already looks fairly feminine. He's really short/thin for a guy, he has long hair and already dresses in clothing I'd personally consider gender neutral. Sadly, he's only 14 as a high school freshman... I'm 18 as a senior. A big part of my worry for him is that he's so young! I mean, he simply can't start transitioning until he moves out, but that's literally years from now! I hate to think A: He's stuck as a guy for such a long time B: I as his only accepting friend he's out to will graduate and won't be around to support him and C: He feels he can never be a "real girl."
    I actually attempted asking Hat why he can't be a "real girl" and he said it doesn't matter what he dies, even if he got surgery he could never have a baby which I guess leaves him believing he can't be an actual woman. I've tried my absolute best to point out infertile woman are still woman, and that a cis female isn't somehow more of a female than a trans one.

    Back when you were still in the closet, still unsure about this "trans thing" and was only out to 1-3 people, what would have you wanted them to say to you more than anything? All I want is for my friend to be comfortable and happy with herself.
     
  4. onlyhuman33

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    First of all Guff, YOU ARE SUCH AN AMAZING FRIEND!!! This world needs more "Guffs"!! *HUGE HUG!!!* The thing is, you are right, she IS very young. So she has all the time in the world to make things right for herself. She doesn't need to transition right this second. She has time to evaluate herself, her needs, and the environment around her to ensure that when she is ready to transition, it will be a smoother, safer transition with a lot more support. Meaning all around safer. I know how much it hurts inside. Believe me I know. But, not that she could (or really should, in my personal opinion) medicinally tradition at age 14, it just doesn't sound like she would be safe if she did medicinally transition. So my advice to her is to keep doing what she is doing by appearing as androgynous as possible to kind of ease the dysphoria at least a little bit. Does she have the option to seek out therapy? She doesn't even have to tell her parents that it's for Gender Identity Disorder. She could just tell them that it's for depression. Quite frankly, I don't think she would be lying if she did tell them that. Just tell her to do a google search for "trans-friendly" therapists in your area. Most of them also work with depression and anxiety. Pick out a couple that she may be interested in, just in case her parent's insurance doesn't cover the original therapist of her choice.

    As far as her feeling like she will never be a real girl, well, she's right. No matter how she dresses, what her name is, no matter how much makeup, hormones, or surgeries she gets, she will always have that DAMNED Y (as in Y me?, I always joke) chromosome. So yeah, she is correct about that. But she can live her life a female the best she can!! Study hard!! Get a career that she loves!!! Find a man (or woman, or "other") to spend the rest of her life with!!! She can do anything a biological woman can do. The key is to be empowered and knowledgable.

    Now, if you don't want to tell her that last paragraph, that's up to you. You can tell her that you've spoken to another trans woman and her adoptive (biologically female) mother couldn't have babies, and that didn't make her any less of a real girl.

    Back when I was just coming out as trans, I was scared AF!!! I knew I was going to lose everything, My daughter, my wife, my 26 year career (a very public career, might I add), family, friends, literally EVERYTHING I had worked my entire life to build. So when I came out to my best friend, all I wanted to hear was that he loves me, supports me, and will be there for me. That's exactly what he said!!! To my surprise, out of everything I mentioned above, I only lost the career (my choice), and my brother (as adults we were never really close, so it hurts, but life goes on).

    I hope this helps you to help your friend!! She is so lucky to have you. But here's the thing, please don't let this consume you. Share in the happiness that's available in this world. Depression is very contagious in the sense that, people who are depressed can bring down the people that care about them the most. I know, because that's my world too. So please, be aware of YOU too. You need to be strong too. She will be ok. you make sure you are too. As always, Be strong!!! Be empowered!!! And most of all, Be well!!! *HUGE hugs again!!!*
     
  5. Guff

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    I mean it's true, Hat won't have a baby, Hat will always have the Y chromosome. However I don't think that should completely derail her off her true state of being.
    And I am trying my best not to get too involved or further depressed in the process, but Hats just been such a great friend to me.. At class some guys like to mock me saying I sound gay, weak, look like a fag, act to feminine, dress girly etc and last week 1 even stopped referring to me by my name and started calling me "lady dude" cause he thinks I act to "girly" at times.. Anyhow a lot of people agree with him and laugh at it and egg him on, Hat is the ONLY person who ever comes to my defense and it means the world to me! Hats such a great friend, the fact I can't seem to do as much for him as he's done for me makes me feel bad.
     
  6. onlyhuman33

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    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Listen Guff, you are doing so much for her already. More than you know. Just keep being there for her. Remember it’s not a competition, who can be there more for whom. I know you know that, I’m just saying that to help you realize that everything you do helps. It doesn’t always need to be some big gesture. I know it’s gotta be painful watching her go through dysphoria. But trust me, I know this from my own experience, there is nothing you can do more than you already are. Just like it’s painful to me not being able to go to your school and protect BOTH of you!!! God I hate bullies. My daughter gets picked on, but it’s because she’s autistic, not gay or trans. But that’s a whole different story. Listen, when I tell everyone to “be strong, be empowered, and be well” I really mean it. But for you, I couldn’t mean it anymore. I am so sorry you are living in that hell. I know it’s a little more difficult when it feels like it’s the whole class or even school saying those ignorant things. But remember, they are just words. Do not give them power. Do not allow words to hurt you. They will only hurt if you let them. You seem very smart. So know the difference between words and violence. Some people in our community, the community that I love, will try to tell people that words is violence. Don’t buy into that. Both of you need to be stronger than that. That’s what I mean by being empowered. You have the power to know that they are insignificant peons that are probably miserable in their own little insignificant pion lives. So you are comfortable with who you are, they are jealous because they will NEVER be comfortable with whom they are. Like I tell my daughter. Keep focused on your goals and your schooling. Those losers will be serving you your hamburger, while you will be successful!!