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Why didn’t I know?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Purpleredhead78, Oct 23, 2017.

  1. Purpleredhead78

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    I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my past. Why I had no big clues. Part of me thinks because I was sick a lot as a kid and dealing with being teased because I’m disabled. In my 20’s I was hospitalized for mental health reasons. It took a long time. Lots of tears. Depression, Anxiety. So I didn’t think really think about. However, I was reflecting on all the shows I loved. Anytime a gay character showed up I was so excited. I was a senior in high school when Ellen came out. I was thrilled. My friends and even teachers said some pretty hateful stuff. It broke me inside. I never knew why and still don’t know why people care who we spend our lives with. I started to wonder if the fact that I got/get so excited about LGTBQ being represented on television was because deep down inside I knew. Will and Grace, I could watch that over and over again. The daughter on the new One Day At a Time, I cried and was happy. At first I wondered if I was just a big Ally. I wonder if I interlized it all because of the other situations in my life. Was my depression connected to the fact that I was gay but didn’t want to be. Even though I am a loud mouth when it comes to equal rights. In the end, I think I had to go through all of that, to be strong enough for this new chapter. Sorry for the long post. I write as much as I talk. A lot.
     
    #1 Purpleredhead78, Oct 23, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2017
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  2. silverhalo

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    Don't apologise for long posts, sometimes writing stuff down helps us ckearify and process it in our mind. Being an ally or what you thought was a ally was obviously your minds way of dealing with it back then. Sounds like you have come a long way since then.
     
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  3. Lia444

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    I’ve been driving myself crazy thinking about the past looking for clues or hints etc. I can’t really remember much with certainty, so am focusing more on what I feel now and what I want for my future. You can’t change the past.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I can relate to this. I spent a lot of time going over the past, just looking for moments that might have shown me that I was gay. But, as you say, I started questioning my own interpretation of the past and going around in circles.

    An EC member (cannot remember who) told me that all that mattered was how I felt now. However, for me, look back over the past was an important part of convincing myself. I did reach a point where I stopped gaining anything from questioning the past directly, but over time, I've gained more understanding of my past choices without directly thinking about it. I'm not sure this makes sense, but when I was questioning I saw my pre-questioning life as very separate, but now I can see how it all fits as one narrative.

    If you were completely oblivious (like I was), it can be hard to understand and accept. I think that I just wasn't ready to know, but there's still part of me that wonders how I didn't know regardless.

    Congratulations on your progress @Purpleredhead78 :thumbsup:
     
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  5. Pole star

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    I can relate absolutely. I have thought a lot about the clues in the past and it was all there. I just felt that I had to know. It is sad how I could not make sense of what was going on. I often wonder how naïve or dumb I was and the power of the mind to shut things off even when they are blatantly obvious. You can make your mind think anything you want up until a point. Then as if by magic the pieces of the puzzle dramatically fit together one day when you are emotionally ready (as in my case). The society one grows up in has such a strong impact on the way one perceives things even if one grows up in a liberal household.

    Don't apologise for long posts @Purpleredhead78. Writing stuff down helps clear your mind and give some clarity.
     
  6. Purpleredhead78

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    Thank you! I love EC. I’m really thinking because of how crazy my young life was why I didn’t want to know. It would add what might be a struggle. Who knows. I know now and I’m happy.
     
  7. leb10

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    Hard same on the LGBT characters. I remember when my grandma made a comment about Ellen being gay and how she knew along because of how she wore her shirts. I was maybe 7 at the time and remember feeling terrible about the whole conversation. It's both liberating and so sad to look at these past thing and say to yourself, "I should have known." Agree with the other posters though that after a little while it becomes counter productive to keep looking back. It really is about going forward with what you know right now. Easily said, of course
     
  8. Purpleredhead78

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    Thank You for sharing your story too. It’s helpful to know that others have been in the same situation.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    I just think we see it when we are ready. I spent a while when I was first coming to terms wishing I had worked it out sooner but that was also me assuming that if I'd worked it out sooner that would only have brought good things and that the time between my teens (or whenever I felt as though I should have worked it out) and the time I did mean put nothing and was only bad. Which of course isn't true. When we imagine a different storyline for our lives we usually see it through rose tinted spectacles. What's to say if we had realised sooner we wouldn't have encountered awful homophobia which would have sent us back into the depths of the closet for longer etc or something like that.

    If I had figured it out sooner I may never have ended up on EC and met all of you fabulous people and learn to so much about myself and others beyond sexuality and I would never have met me girlfriend.

    Why didn't you know, because you weren't ready to see it. Now is your time, I think sometimes we have to walk past the door a few times before we are brave enough to even give it a push.
     
    #9 silverhalo, Oct 24, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
  10. Purpleredhead78

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  11. CoraFrost

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    I can TOTALLY related to the bolded. I was a very loud and "out" ally for years -- both in my personal life (for literally as long as I can remember) and in my professional life later on. I knew I wasn't straight, but I didn't know what to do with it (and I was pretty sure it wasn't okay for me to be that way in my families eyes) so I found satisfaction and community in the Ally identity.

    I also agree that all those years of advocating, and educating made me more comfortable in/around the LGBTQ community so that by the time I actually did come out, I had an amazing support system in place and didnt really need family approval. (Being older and independent helped too). I love the idea of the new chapter.
     
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