Ok, so I am having serious doubts. Firstly, I suffer with awful OCD so this causes me to second guess myself on a daily basis. So this is what I am dealing with I keep remembering incidents from my child hood where I would put a towel around my head and pretend it was hair. I would also wear my moms heels, and put her makeup on sometimes. Now a days I wear makeup, and I dress pretty androgynously ( I am aware none of these things make me trans necessarily) However I also do tend to imagine myself as my female friends. It’s not that I imagine myself being a woman, but I tend to take the personality traits and mannerisms of these people. I also tend to hang out with females more. What is distressing me is that I feel like these things all make me trans and now I have to identify that way because obviously I can’t be gender non-conforming if I have these thoughts. It’s not that I don’t think I am gender non-conforming, it’s almost as though I don’t feel I deserve the label or that I’m just in denial about everything. Of course, my ocd causes all of these issues for me with self- doubt. And I saw a trans reddit where this person said that only trans people imagine themselves as the opposite sex. The thing is, i’ve never had a desire to be a woman, or to transition into one. My gender was never a question until the obsession started. Does gender-nonconforming mean it’s own gender? Can I Id as genderqueer, and gender non-conforming? I am so confused. Some of the trans forums I have read make me feel confronted and forced to tell myself I am trans. But the idea of being trans doesn’t really feel like a relief or a truth to myself. I hope someone out there who is gender-non conforming can relate to this. I hate the uncertainty.
I also want to point out that I fear all of the mental health issues I have had are attributed to being trans and it both invalidates what I thought were illnesses I have been dealing with, and also scary because I have this fear of uncertainty.
I think a lot of people probably imagine themselves as the opposite sex occasionally. I think the real question would be whether you would feel more like yourself if you actually had a female body, and whether being perceived as a gender other than female bothers you or makes you uncomfortable. I also don't think that being trans would invalidate your mental illness. If you are trans, the two things could be related but I don't think one would be entirely caused by the other. I think that you should talk to a therapist about what's going on if you haven't already, and hopefully they would be able to help you sort things out.
I think the issues is that I really do not know myself. I can’t answer that and say “yes, being a woman feels more authentic” because I genuinely don’t think it does. It’s more of escapism or fantasy. I’ve never had a desire to be labeled or appear as a female.
You identify who you are by yourself. No one is allowed to tell you who you are or how to labe yourself. You don't even need to choose a label if you don't want to. Of course you can identify as gender non-conforming and have the thoughts you described. Because you're free to choose and to define. In your first post you chose the term "obsession". Maybe that's one explanation - you might be stuck in a circle of thoughts. Take a step backwards and let go for a while. Accept your fantasies without judging them or comparing them to stuff written on the internet and without trying to make it fit to other peoples labels.
I have OCD too, and I was so worried for a while all of this was just an obsession in the end and I was making it up. Don't let your OCD get the best of you though, or else it'll keep getting worse. In the end, you are who you feel you are. If you don't feel like you're female, then you don't have to be. Also, you deserve any label that you believe fits you. There is no set list of criteria to being trans or otherwise, so please please don't let other people tell you "because you don't experience this" or "because you are like this" you aren't who you feel you are. If you aren't sure how you feel - do your best to not worry. This kind of stuff can be really hard to put into words. What matters in the end is that you're happy and doing what you want. Like summersun said, take a step back for a little, and try not to think about it too much, but rather just take a breath and enjoy life.
I honestly think you should visit your GP, ask for a referral to the GIC to discuss your identity and continue to see your CMHT to assist with your OCD. Keep doing you and don’t let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong or doesn’t fit a certain criteria. Take it from me, the more you worry about things like this the more it will eat you up and cause frustration alongside anger.
