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Coming out, is it important to you?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mabel, Oct 21, 2017.

  1. Hemospectrum

    Hemospectrum Guest

    Coming out isn't a necessity and nobody should ever have to feel the urge or pressure to come out. A person doesn't have to go out and shout that they prefer fruit over veggies because those are just facts about them. However, it's sometimes liberating to a person to come out. For instance, if a person has been in the closet for years and has finally accepted who they are, coming out may been seen as freedom to them. It can help them assure that they are, in fact, queer, and they don't have to hide the fact anymore. Of course, people have to be somewhat cautious to whom they come out to, as it may cause unwanted conflict. Anyways, it's always up to the individual person to decide what their denotation and connotation of coming out is: A necessity, the feeling of flying, or a nonchalant topic.

    I, for one, don't really feel the significance of coming out. If I feel the urge to, as I feel like it'll make me feel more liberated, I do, but only if I trust the person. If it's because of pressure, I don't. I don't want to get into any complications because of opinions and beliefs. If I have a girlfriend, though, I'd introduce them as my girlfriend, even to the people who think I'm straight.
     
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  2. Mabel

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    Yep, exactly my question. I’ve really been trying to figure out where my self doubt around this issue is coming from. I will honestly say I never even thought about how much I looked up to her, in a lot of ways.
    When I found my husband I remember thinking he was conservative minded but had a good heart. Half of him would appeal to my family and the other half I could indulge in. Finally, someone I could bring home and make my family proud. This is a big part of why I married him. I guess the underlying theme is I didn’t feel I was good enough to bring home someone who I adored in their entirety. He’s changed since then so they dislike him as much as they do me.

    So food for thought for me. Because I’ve caught myself thinking this odd thought. That if I were ever to bring Home a woman that they would accept, it would be her. Odd because zero chance of me ever bringing her home in any way. So maybe her straddling being the family person everyone loves and living the other part of her at the same time is appealing to me. Something me (this hot mess of a heart on her sleeve person) could never do, ever.

    Hmmmm....
     
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  3. Mabel

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    But you did come out? You are in an open to your community relationship with a girlfriend. I consider that being out.

    I’m thinking that a lot of people in this thread have different definitions of coming out? I would consider any inability to hide or deny your self being out. The people I know who are not out are hiding.

    In my case letting people know who I am (gay) will be necessary because unless they come in our house and see my husband and my (soon to be separate rooms) they would never know I’m gay. Even then I will have to explain it to them. Because we plan on co habitating and co parenting. Unfortunately because of this my coming out will have to be stated etc to many people, in the best interest of my children.
     
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  4. SiennaFire

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    It seems that you aren't yet able to trust your inner voice (which is normal for folks just coming out). Coming out and starting to live authentically as a gay man or woman requires a leap of faith to start the process then you figure things out with a series of progressively larger baby steps, gain confidence, and become increasingly comfortable with yourself.

    It also sounds like part of you needs validation and approval from others, for example, you picked your husband in part (50%) to make your parents proud rather than to make yourself happy 100%. If this resonates with you, you may want to discuss this with your therapist (or find one if you don't already have one).
     
    #24 SiennaFire, Oct 23, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2017
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  5. ladykiki

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    It took me 2 years (maybe longer than that now) to come out. I told a few close friends first, and just 2 months ago to my immediate family. Now I correct people when they talk about any future husbands or boyfriends I might have.

    I was about 25 when I realised I was gay and 34 when I started coming out. Originally, I had no intention coming out, I grudged it! My siblings didn't have to, it was just assumed and accepted that they'd have opposite sex partners. I mean, it's no ones business that I prefer women. But in not being honest about what I was interested in, I felt I was hiding part of me, and it got to me more than I'd like to admit.

    I've had problems with anxiety since high school, and it took a few years to realise that part of my anxiety was rooted in same sex attraction and not understanding the feelings, so for me to come out was somewhat cathartic.

    I've been incredibly lucky that I've not encountered homophobia and have had nothing but words of support. Nothing has changed in terms of day to day life, but it's a little bit thrilling when I correct someone who says my future husband (maybe that's just me, but my heart bursts when I say 'nope, wife'!). Mostly, I just feel so much happier. I didn't realise how much not being out was weighing me down emotionally.

    If people assuming who you are into and getting it wrong doesn't really bother you, then if you don't feel the need to come out I wouldn't bother. If it nags at you and you want people to know that they're getting it wrong, then I would bring it up if opportunity presents itself, then that way you're coming out but it's not that big of a deal.

    The most important thing is to go with what you feel, it sounds daft, but you'll know when and if you're ready/want to come out, be it now and several years down the line. I guess the most important thing is your children understand that their mother is still the same mother she was before, they just know you a little better.

    Sorry, that was ridiculously long :flushed:
     
  6. Mabel

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    It indeed resonates. I am seeing my therapist this week and this will be at the top of my list. It was really bugging me why I was getting stuck on my coming out vs her and others I know not doing so. I push it away because I have made my decisions, but it keeps coming back. Maybe some of the things that have come up here will help me work through it in therapy and get over this mental hump. I have to keep moving forward, I’ve been out to a few people already (they knew to keep it hush before my kids found out). Now that I have told my daughter I just have to roll with the punches, no going back....
     
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  7. I'm gay

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    I completely understand that many people just don't want to share their private feelings with others, and no one should feel pressured to come out. With that said, however, all of us in the LGBT community benefit when we come out. The more people who come out of the closet and tell their friends, family, neighbors, co-workers the more visible we all become. Too many people don't know a gay person in their lives, even though they most likely do know a gay person but are unaware of it. When more and more people realize that we are already their family members, co-workers, friends and neighbors, it causes attitudes to change. The greater our visibility as a community, the better for us all.

    For myself, as is stated in other comments, coming out was a liberating experience and a necessary step for me.

    A few weeks after I came out to my mom, I was telling her about my coming out to a family friend. She said, "Why did you do that? Why does he need to know?" My mom seemed to think at the time that only people who "needed to know" should be told. I sat her down and said, "Mom, I don't tell people that I'm gay because they need to know. It's not about their need to know. It's about MY need to tell them." That made a big difference in her opinion on the issue, and with my permission, she told several of her friends.
     
  8. Mabel

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    I loved this post! So beautiful, totally made me tear up xo
     
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  9. junebug99

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    I have no plans to come out. I feel its my business. But I really want to find love. I have sudden urge to tell someone I love them.
     
  10. Mabel

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    Sorry to say but be ready to break their heart then :frowning2:. And your own...
     
  11. junebug99

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    That's the way love goes. And my heart will always be very guarded. I am not giving it to just anyone. They have to earn it first. Along with my trust.
     
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  12. Mabel

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    It is the way love goes...but what is a heart earned if it all has to hide behind a curtain? That can only end in pain...
     
  13. silverhalo

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    If you don't plan to come out but want to find a girlfriend I am wondering how you imagine that will work, would you then become more out?
     
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  14. Mabel

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    Good question, I wonder if....it’s just the definition of being out varies. I understand finding some one and just letting it be known, that’s one thing....to me that’s coming out though. Not coming out Is being with somebody and hiding it, I would think.
    The best thing you can do for a love is to proudly be by her side. Not make her feel as if she’s something to hide. That hurts.
     
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  15. SiennaFire

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    You're doing the right things to achieve what you want. Coming out while liberating is just the first step towards clarity and confidence, which build over time. Stay on the path, try to ignore the doubts relative to your ex-, work with your therapist to figure out the underlying reasons, and one day things will start to click for you.
     
  16. SiennaFire

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    There are different ideas/phases expressed about being out. Here's how I view things.
    • Coming out (to yourself) - When you acknowledge and accept to yourself that you are LGBT. The first step in the process.
    • Coming out - When you tell others that you are LGBT. This is very liberating and begins the healing process of undoing the damage caused by living a lie for many years (for later in life types). As you tell more people, your secret loses its power over you. You may even experience a coming out high. This is what most people mean by coming out.
    • Out - Living openly and authentically as an LGBT person. You are past the coming out high. Your sexuality has become integrated in your life and is no longer in the forefront of your mind. You do not hide your sexuality (though people don't always broadcast it). You may come out to new people that you meet. If someone assumes you have an opposite sex partner, you politely correct them.
    The old EC site published a more formal coming out model. I can't find it on the new site, so I'm guessing it has not been migrated to the new site.
     
    #36 SiennaFire, Oct 24, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2017
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  17. Imjustjulien

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    What is inspiring here for me, regardless of how or when or to who or whether at all, that I come out, is how each of you express your path. Each view, unique and true, and each a mirror that expresses part of me, and of you, a mirror showing the steps of my own journey.

    How good, to be queer, to be you, to be me.
     
  18. Mabel

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    @SiennaFire and everyone else who read my words in this thread. I shared parts of this discussion with my husband and understandably he was a bit hurt. I wanted to clarify that the references to how I saw him were in the beginning of our relationship and that what we had grew tremendously. We have weathered so much together, and really truly have been partners in life. He’s seen me through countless bouts of depression and anxiety, two post pardom depressions and has been a pillar through it all. To be honest, I would not be where I am today without his unconditional love and support. He and I both know that what I have unearthed is telling and has inevitable consequences for both of us. The fact that he still supports me and has encouraged my growth through it all appeals volumes of the person he is. He will continue to be my closet ally and friend. I am very lucky that out of all the people I could have chosen that I chose him, given the growth that I still needed to cultivate in life. I do wish that I could give him all that he deserves, but in the changes we are making my hope is that he finds that. Because all this is as much for his well being as it is mine.
     
  19. CoraFrost

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    I guess in the sense of how I'm living my life, yes I am out. And therefore came out. I think when I hear the phrase "Coming out" I think of when my friends posted on facebook for National Coming Out Day, or the people who actually have sitdowns with their families, friends and loved ones and have to do the "I'm gay/bi/lesbian/queer/trans/aro" talk.I never did that. I don't think I'm gutsy enough to do that. To me that takes more courage than to do what I did which was basically answer the question "Are you seeing anyone?" with "Yes, her name is ____ and she's a [insert profession]."

    I think you have a beautiful and unique relationship. I can only speak for myself, but I didn't get a negative impression of your husband. It sounds like you are both committed to forging this new path together for the sake of your children, and that's a beautiful and impressive undertaking.
     
  20. junebug99

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    True. But I have always been a very private person. I came out to a friend and myself. And since I am still married acting on my sexuality would be cheating and I won't do that.