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Frustrated, very lonely, and ready to give up

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sometranswoman, Oct 21, 2017.

  1. I don't where to begin and I have no idea how much to say before it becomes too much. I'm:

    • 49
    • trans
    • transitioned later in life and so am not pretty at all
    • divorced due to long-term emotional abuse and eventual rejection
    • have a son who hasn't spoken to me in almost two years
    • was laid off from my former job after coming out at work
    • never lived alone nor supported myself until leaving my ex
    • was a terrible lover because of my confusion
    • have only had one relationship in my entire life
    • never dated nor "fooled around" in high school, university, nor young adulthood
    • was a loner most of my life
    • never had any friendships where I was seen as a social equal
    • got running and use my exercise a lot to stay in shape
    • make sure to treat myself to dinner or clothes or toys when I'm down
    • have failed miserably at making new queer friends beyond online connections
    • have only lost connections with the few women I expressed an interest in
    • have had no success on dating sites like #######, not a single message received
    • am ready to give up
    I literally have no idea what to do at this point in my life. I've worked so hard to restart every aspect of my life, and to take care of myself. I keep being told that age doesn't matter but no one thinks I'm pretty. I keep being told that experience doesn't matter but it's impossible to participate in conversations on topics that I have nothing to say about. I keep being told that I should start with friendship instead of romance, but I see that everyone else is allowed to flirt and cuddle and sleep with others regardless of status. I keep being told to be patient even though I've already waited 45 years to finally come out and another nearly five years of being alone... every weekend, every holiday.

    I can't meet new friends. I can't relate to the people I know already. I am at the point where I no longer want to talk to anyone about this sort of thing because no one wants to help or they don't have the spoons. I can't fake anything because I don't have anything. And so I am posting here anonymously because that way I won't screw up any more connections.

    Does _anyone_ have any suggestions at all on how to build social skills? On how to make friends? On how to pursue romance without having any experience? Or should I just accept that I waited too long and there just isn't enough time left to "catch up" with everyone else?
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm so sorry you have been going through such a tough time. I'm not trans but I can only imagine how hard your journey until this point has been.

    Are there any LGBT groups in your area you could join?

    EC is a great place, it is not one that is likely to necessarily result in real life friends but the community and support here is amazing. I suggest to start with chatting to people here, I know it's not a replacement for real life but it is the next best thing.

    Is it LGBT friendly where you live or not?
     
  3. I've already done the support group thing. I'm well beyond the point of coming to terms with my identity and sexuality. I want _friendship_ not help with finding clothes or doing my nails or coming out.

    The one group that I had been going to for a couple of years suddenly became very cliquey. Everyone there socialized outside the group but never invited me. I chalked that up to the fact that most everyone was in their twenties and thirties, and none of them ever was married or had children. There's something about the aura and temperament of someone older that's a dead giveaway of their age and sets up a barrier. It's impossible to break through that wall to younger people (as a social peer, that is) no matter how hard you try to be relevant.

    Unfortunately, all the other LGBTQ support groups in my area are either skewed towards teens and 20-somethings, or they provide support primarily for crossdressers. LGBTQ meetups are either dominated by gay men (sorry guys) or the T is lowercase and the only "inclusion" of trans people is in the form of drag nights at bars. There are lesbian meetups but they tend to be TERFy, some of which actually have language on their web sites excluding trans women. It all makes me want to cry.

    I have traveled across the country several times this year, as well as driven 2 1/2 hours to another city at least once per month to visit the only friend I have in my life, but my circle of friends has never grown beyond that one. And they simply are too far away and too busy for me to find any more space in her life than that.

    I, in fact, have a fairly signifiant following on social media but as I said earlier, those connections never go beyond the wire. It's heartbreaking to see so many people who supposedly like you, but are simply not interested in making any more time for me than those few moments in a browser tab.

    I feel like you might think I'm just batting away sound advice... but I really have tried all these things... and none of them has worked.
     
  4. Lia444

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    How about doing more with the running? Do you have park run where you are? Any running clubs you can join that meetup every week? Running and fitness stuff is usually all ages. Do you like boot camp style classes? Any other hobbies or things you’ve always wanted to try?
     
  5. silverhalo

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    No not at all, it's pretty generic advice and often not right. I wish I had some magic words of wisedom that would make everything better.
    What about starting your own meetup group?
     
  6. kenn

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    You could try volunteering, there's lots of places that help the less fortunate that have large work forces with plenty of people you may get along with
     
  7. Really

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    Hey @sometranswoman ,

    I totally feel for you. Any way to make new friends without it being a humongous effort would be great. I am not a social butterfly in any shape, way or form but I agree with @Lia444 about doing something with your running. A few years ago I decided I wanted to find some lesbian groups I might be comfortable joining but I wasn't quite there yet so I figured I would look for something that I enjoyed and just start the socializing ball rolling. I came across a running group billed as Women Only so that's what I chose. It was offered out a local outdoor equipment store and the run leaders were all employees of the store.

    Well, it turned out not to be all women but it was fine. I just wanted to improve my running and get out with others. Any others. While most of the employees were quite a bit younger than me, the other runners were all ages and they turned out to be some of the nicest people I've ever met. Granted the employees had to be nice, it never seemed like they were faking it and this turned out the be the highlight of my week.

    One of the other things they do is sponsor multiple races throughout the year which I participate in and once when I was picking up my race package in the store, there was a representative of the Pride race, handing out information and signing people up for that race. By now, I was ready to be a part of something actually lgbt and so I signed up. (If you like to race, this one is great because the depth of field is significantly smaller than most and you can get a better placement in your category than usual. ;} )

    Anyway, at my first Pride race, I met a trans woman, there with her wife and we got talking and she invited me to check out the running group she runs with. I'd heard of the group and they're a bit too serious for me but I've found that runners are some of the nicest people and I would seriously encourage you to try to find a running group. Even if you don't make friends right off the bat, just being with people gathering to do something they enjoy can be really uplifting. The run club that does the Pride race is called Frontrunners and they operate worldwide so maybe there's a branch near you.

    I'm hoping my story will illustrate how doing just one thing and doing it consistently can lead to so much more.
     
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  8. AbsoluteNerd

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    I agree with the others about doing something with the running. If you ebjoy someth8ng, you are likely to make friends with others who enjoy that something. In my case, it was trading card games, in your case, it may tyrn out to be running
     
  9. Seeker65

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    Dear some,
    I know how you feel....I have a very limited friend pool of zero.....there are times I talk to the universe because I have no one else. people who have never experience d this do not understand how alone it feels. Its hard to make anything beyond acquaintances when you are older because most people have already built their friend pool...I have lied my entire life about being a lesbian and as a result I have no lesbian friends (or any friends for that matter) to go to for company. I admire you strength.....you keep putting that one foot in front of the other. I hear you...I see you....
     
  10. Nearly a month later and trying to tough things out, I am no better off.

    Today I angered someone because I offered hugs to them and they felt it was inappropriate of me to do so. I feel terrible because this sort of thing continues to happen to me the few times I take the chance to say something remotely affectionate or caring to someone.

    I keep being told that the consent model doesn't apply to things like conversation but that is not my experience. I feel that I am not allowed to flirt with anyone, nor am I allowed to try to get anywhere closer to anyone beyond trivial conversation. And attempting to engage with people in these ways without explicit permission results in my angering people and losing whatever connection I had with them up until that point.

    This is such a dreadful position to be in: to not have any experience nor knowledge in how to connect with people, and to be too old to try to gain either in the present. I don't see any way out.
     
  11. I don't think this is the place for me, I'm too broken.

    Thanks to those who did reply to this thread; I'm sorry that I can't do better.

    I'm gonna delete my account now.

    Best of luck to everyone.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    I don't think anyone is too broken to be here, but if you really want to delete your account then we wish you the best of luck.
    What one thing would make the biggest difference to you right now?
     
  13. WhoIsKris

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    Hey STR,
    This loneliness sucks! I struggle with it too. As far as learning to be social, I feel like I'm stumbling around blindly and slowly. Started dance lessons and used them as social skills 101 -- this week I'll try to introduce myself to somebody, or this week I'll try to remember somebody's name or something about them. This has helped somewhat. But the dance floor is a tricky place for trans to be, I feel like I have to be really careful so I don't make my dance partners uncomfortable.

    My next idea is to try to find a place where I can volunteer regularly. Hoping this will help me get out of my head and give me another place where I can practice the social stuff.

    I'm impressed you tried to initiate a hug. I'm too afraid to do that, so I only get hugs if someone else starts it.

    Best of luck, I do think it's possible to learn and figure this out. It's frustrating to me how slow the process feels though.
     
  14. SeulgiBunny

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    What u can do:

    1. See a therapist and let her/him to help you if you are seeing one that doesn't believe in lgbt stuff, change it or try to don't care about whatever that s/he says about that topic, but it's necessary for deal with your life problems, like you don't feel really atractive.
    2. The loneliness it is hard for some people but for others is nice (like me) so it is not really bad be lonely, try to be friend of your own loneliness.
    3. Let the love come alone or try to look for it when you be better in your mind, you are not the stable enough for love so before you must to love yourself before be with someone else.
    4. Try to believe in something (god, books, whatever you feel)