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Do straight girls.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lia444, Oct 1, 2017.

  1. silverhalo

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    Ok so if I asked you what kind of girls you like what would you say?
     
  2. Pole star

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    I know someone who is deep in the closet and he thinks exacty like this. Now I understand it is his fear. It is difficult to believe if he is saying the truth or something I want to hear. It has become a habit with him, I think. You cannot go near him with anything personal - he is very uncomfortable.
     
  3. Lia444

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    I’ve had a chat with my mum that I’ve been questioning my sexuality etc and I think I might be gay and she’s fine with it and just wants me to be happy so that is a weight off my mind at least but I still feel like I need proof so think the next step will have to be some kind of dating. I had another therapy session today and I was asking about denial / repression etc and how could I have not known until now and she used chocolate ice cream as an example so you know it exists but you are never given any opportunities to see it never alone try it so why would you consider liking it but then it starts to appear in shops and the opportunity presents itself and you will only know if you like it if you actually try it. Think I’ve got that right anyway growing up I knew gay people existed and I saw the odd gay kiss on tv etc but this was more gay men than women and I didn’t know any gay people either and ones that I did come across but didn’t really know were all men. I had never heard of the l word and think the first thing I watched with gay women in was wentworth prison and that was only in the last few years. I think I was a little curious over the years but never really sort out information so I guess never really saw it as an option, Anyone else relate to this? Hopefully I’m making sense
     
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  4. Really

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    Hey @Lia444
    Congrats on your conversation with your mum! I like your therapist's analogy but I think there are so many factors in play, you just can't tell how or why or when we'll finally be dealing with this. I did watch the L Word but I swear I made no connection between this and any thoughts of my sexuality. I had no such thoughts. Totally and completely clueless. It simply didn't occur to me that I might like women despite the fact I had zero interest in men. No revulsion or anything, just meh. My mom even asked me years ago if I wanted a girlfriend! No clue. Whatsoever.

    Looking back, I can see there were little signs but being the complete dunce that I was, they were never going to be enough to get the ball rolling, so to speak. Give yourself a break. You're here now. Try to just feel what you feel, ignoring what it may or may not mean and I'm sure you'll get where you're meant to be.
    :slight_smile:
     
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  5. silverhalo

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    I think it's more like I don't know if you ever had one of those magic colouring books as a child where all of the colours are already there but you can't see them and all you need is a paintbrush and water and when you brush over it the colours appear. I think it's a bit like that. All of the clues and hints of me being gay were always there but it took my water (everyone's is different) for me to be able to see the colours.

    Or if you like almost like hearing or seeing a different language, all of the signs and stuff are there but until someone gives you the tools to understand the language it's just noise or lines it doesn't mean anything to you.
     
  6. CoraFrost

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    Hey! I'm a little late to the party, but I thought I might lend a perspective of someone who has lived her life mostly presenting as straight (even tho I knew I was "not totally straight" since age 13.

    First off, (and I don't even remember how I know this) but I believe I've heard that even straight women prefer lesbian porn because it's less raunchy, and more intimate than straight porn. Straight porn is typically shot and marketed for a male consumer. Legit lesbian porn is for a different type of audience (women). Thus it appeals more to women, regardless of sexual identity.

    Second, when I'm reading your posts I feel like I hear this undertone of desperation in trying to figure it out. Even if you do come to a conclusion, we are forever in a process of 'becoming' ourselves. So please consider the identifier part of the journey and not necessarily the destination.

    Even after I came out to myself as being somewhere in the bi/pan spectrum, there was whole other experiences that opened up for me with each new partner, and at each new stage of life. What does it mean to be "me" in this current context? It changed with almost every new experience.

    And it really changed when I started dating my current girlfriend. My first committed lesbian relationship.
    For the first time, I'm being read as a lesbian. And to be honest, it feels really good.
    Does that mean that I'm in fact a lesbian and not bi/pan? I have no idea.
    Does it matter? For me, I've decided it actually doesn't. And my partner doesn't seem to care either, as long as I'm fully committed to our relationship -- which I am.

    I hope you'll find the answers you're seeking and that the people around you continue to love you for who you are.

    ::hugs:: Best of luck to you on this incredible journey.
     
  7. Lia444

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    Thank you for your reply that was really nice. I am the sort of person who likes to find the answer to things which is probably why I preferred maths etc at school rather than English. So am starting to drive myself mad in trying to find the answer but think I just need to take a step back and focus on living more and see what happens. I have spoken to my mum and two sisters now who all think similar things that I’m trying to put myself in the gay box because I don’t fit in the straight one or that I’m trying to find a reason why my life has gone the way it has or just want a friend. Which I guess are all possibles but I feel they think that after x number of therapy sessions that I’m just going to have the answer or come to my senses.
     
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  8. CoraFrost

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    You are so welcome. My girlfriend is much more like you -- a numbers person and a figure-it-out person. She teases me that I've never met a line I didn't seek to color outside of. I tell her it's part of my charm. :smile:

    Sometimes we arrive at what we "are" by figuring out what we are not. I learned that coming out of school when I graduated and got my first job at an accounting firm. I figured out pretty quickly that I was NOT an accountant. (FTR, anyone who knows me in IRL is like, "You had to get a job as an accountant to figure out that you weren't one?!") But truly, yes, at the time-- I did have to do that. With respect to sexuality, I walked around "not straight" for decades!

    I think the part where people get into trouble with labels (for example, "Lesbian") is when they think that being a certain identity means they have to contort who they are to fit into the box labeled "Lesbian". Granted there are some basic core truths (i.e. being sexually/romantically attracted to women), but beyond that, I mean... the world is your oyster. If you think you are or could be a lesbian, I don't see any harm in trying on that identity and seeing if it fits. Walk around in it for a bit. See if it feels good. If not, you can always evolve it to another.

    ...And maybe your therapist can help you have an educational conversation with Mom and sister? Because that whole "come to your senses" thing is kinda making me itch. :pouting_cat:

    I was actually thinking of you (or perhaps more accurately, this thread) yesterday when a friend (who is also trying to reconcile her identity) sent me this Ted Talk from iO Tillett Wright. I don't know if you'll find this helpful or if it will just fan the flames of so many questions -- but I found it very beautiful and enjoyable.
     
  9. Lia444

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    Thanks again. I too went into accountancy and found it wasn’t for me! I have tried talking to them abit more but they have sort of said that it’s down to me to figure out which it is I guess and they can’t really help. So I am not really going to chat to them anymore about it as they will just stress me out more with all the questions which I can’t answer. I’ve listened to a couple of ted talks recently so will definitely take a look as they have been helpful.
     
  10. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I relate in my own way. I was really sheltered as a kid. I didn't even know what "gay" meant until maybe 14-ish? Even then, I knew about gay men first and mostly saw gay guy stuff. So there was a really long period of time that it never occurred to me that women could be together. In my young mind, I just really wanted that BFF. In my young mind I was just intellectually curious about sex and nudity. Didn't put two and two together. By the time I knew about people being gay, there was already enough shame in place that prevented me from being honest with myself. Even when I did watch something with a lesbian element to it many later years, I didn't really make the connection. Like, I believed I only liked it because of the romantic/sensual content not because of the girls? Because it was taboo? Or because I wanted to be in her shoes, not that I felt something for the girl? Which is kind of true, but not the whole truth. Ugh, denial. It's kind of really embarrassing how blantly blind I was.

    Just want to say I understand driving myself mad with this type of thing. I'm also the type that likes solid proof. I spent like 3-4 months of heavy research before accepting I was attracted to women. But I still wasn't sure. Eventually I just had to wait, be open/explore, and just listen to my feelings to know more. Took some months but things got clearer. Even in recent time I've become more confident that I am bi. If it's any comfort, you will eventually figure things out. Make peace with uncertainty as best you can.
     
    #30 Cinnamon Bunny, Oct 20, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
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  11. Bouldghirl

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    I think we all start by questioning our own sexuality. I think it’s natures way of leading us to our true selves. For some women coming out is very straightforward and natural but for most of us (especially the not so young ladies) it can be a scary and daunting thing. It does help if you can talk about things with others. I’ve no doubt that therapy helped me in a tremendous way. As soon as you feel happy do test the waters with your family. Their reactions can help guide you to being more open. Most importantly - it’s your life. You choose how you want to live it.
     
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