Being gay in a heterosexual marriage

Hi Maggie,

It sounds like you're going through a very difficult time. I've very sorry. On top of dealing with your changing idea of your sexuality, you're dealing with the rejection of a good friend. Either one of those would be enough for one person.

You've come to the right place, however. If you read around, you'll quickly see that there are lots of (me included) who left heterosexual marriages in order to come out and live their truth, as the saying goes. Many of us (not me) have children. You are not alone.

I understand the quandary you're in. And you're not the only one asking that question. I'll tell you what I wrote elsewhere--when I was exploring my one sexuality, I read that if you're even questioning your sexuality, then you're most probably at some level attracted to the same sex. People who are straight--really and truly straight--never question their sexuality.

Part of being gay is the sexual attraction to the same sex and part of it is being emotionally open to the opposite sex--being able to enter into the same kind of intimate relationship you would with the opposite sex if you were straight. It seems like you've already had that sort of connection with another woman, so that might be something to consider.

And of course, I don't want to suggest that being gay is an all-or-nothing thing. There's a whole range of expressions and feelings.

For me, however, when I came out, it was the moment I decided to stop lying to myself. As soon as I decided to be honest with myself, I knew I was gay.

I'm glad you're here. There are lots of us here who understand where you are and can listen, sympathize, and offer advice (if you want it).

Z

 

I was in almost the EXACT situation and it just ended a week ago. I am married happily to my husband. I love him very much. I met a woman who is also married but her husband knew she was curious. We hit it off right away..she became my best friend. We did become intimate which kills me that I did it, but I needed to know. She led me on letting me think she and I were in a relationship on the side of our marriages. She then slept with her best friend and I was heart broken. She told me that she can’t be with me because she wants to be free to see whatever woman she wants and have fun. It was way more serious for me. This was 8 days ago. I am in mourning almost.

I never want to leave my husband, so I guess I identify as bi at this point because I had ZERO reservations on being with a woman. I completely understand what you are saying. If you want to chat further please feel free or you can private message me. It sucks, it hurts and it’s soul crushing to say the least.

 

OMG, this could have been written by me. I can 100% relate to what you're going through and how you're feeling. I'm married with two young children, fell in love with J, and had a friendship SO similar to what you described--intensely personal, deep and spiritual. We never shared feelings but J clearly is uncomfortable with whatever same-sex attraction/connection she feels and completely backs away when she can't handle it. She too is married. She knows I'm bi and I think it scares the crap out of her that we have the connection.

I totally sympathize with the heartache and I keep a distance from J as much as I can (we're still have to remain in each other's lives). Like you, it's too painful to remain in the friendship when those feelings are there.

As for what to do about your marriage...my advice to you (and it's JMO)...is to TAKE TIME to explore what you've learned from your experience with this woman. There is no rush to exit your marriage and uproot your children's lives because you fell in love with a woman. Stick around these boards and you will learn a lot about yourself and what direction you should head in. One thing I've learned from here is not to impulsively end a marriage because you suddenly discover you're attracted to the same sex. It's a HUGE decision to make and it's worth it to sit with it a while before taking action. Maybe a therapist could help? I see one and it's really helped me figure things out.

Hugs to you!

 

Your situation is agony. I know because I - like you - fell profoundly in love with a woman whilst married to a man.

I suppose it comes down to whether you are able to reconnect with your partner - in an emotional and intimate way. Did you fall in love with your male partner once? How did those initial feelings compare with the initial feelings of falling for a woman? Be honest with yourself. Were there any differences? For me, even though I was never able to act on my feelings, I actively wanted to do things to and for the woman in question - both generally - and, I had to admit to myself - sexually. I began to crave intimate contact with a woman and recognise that it was a more general need than just with that woman. Specifically, I felt congruent with the expression " make love to" in a way that I secretly never had with a man. That was a very painful piece of self-awareness. I had never so much as kissed a woman.

Now, things have moved on. My life is a very big mess in many ways. But I am seeing a woman. And I can tell you that I still feel congruent - and comfortable with very intimate aspects of making love - in a way which I never managed in all the years of my heterosexual life. You may not have acted on your feelings, but feelings are not to be discounted - they deserve serious reflection as they will help you work this aspect of you out.

 

I too can relate. I’m a man married to a wonderful woman. While I have not met anyone, I struggle with my identity every day. Hugs

 

The woman I told you about that I had a connection with..we ended it 9 days ago. I finally had to walk away, she wasn’t making me happy. But..it made me realize that there is a side to me that will never go away. I can’t tell my husband, or my kids. They would never understand and my husband is the most gentle soul, I don’t want to hurt him.

I fell in love with this girl, we had a connection that is unlike anything I have EVER felt before. It was like magnetic..I wanted to touch her every second I could. But..we were never going to leave our families. She wanted to be free to see other women and talk to as many as she wanted. I couldn’t handle the way it made me feel (jealous, mad, sick, guilty). So I said some things to piss her off and she blocked my number and all social media. That was 9 days ago. Today, out of the blue she texts me. I’m devastated. I was starting to feel ok without her and BAM, she came back. I haven’t answered her yet. I don’t know if I should and see why she is reaching out now? Or ignore it and continue to heal. I love this woman. She does not return the feelings. She wants my friendship but I don’t think I can JUST be friends after all of these feelings. It’s a lonely lonely place to be, I agree. I feel for you 100%

 

Yes, the loneliness. It feels like it will drive you insane, doesn't it? Sharing the information helps, but it is difficult for others to relate to an experience that they have never had. Write down your thoughts or find a way of recording them such as painting. Try to do things that make you feel good - to eat properly and take exercise. Carve out time for you. I too have been distracted from the duties of mothering and have struggled to give my children the focused attention they need....and this makes me feel guilty. I also feel guilty that I have been unable to make my marriage work - unable to rekindle the physical aspect of the relationship. In December, it will be a year since my husband and I decided to separate and yet we haven't told our children because there is no change in our physical circumstances yet. But we must face this soon. Not only that, but my husband wants me to tell them that I have now started seeing a woman. The woman I am seeing is in a similar position to myself and this was one reason why we are drawn to each other. It is a crazy, complicated situation now, but I do now know that it is not "just her" (my catalyst) and that I feel very comfortable and tender in an intimate relationship with a woman....

 

I so much understand what you are going through, our stories may not be identical but if you ever want to talk let me know, they're pretty close. I know how hard it is, it's like the perfect little life hurts because it feels wrong for some reason or something. It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Stay strong sister.

 

This struck me.

First of all, you are not a cheat. You learned new things about yourself organically and that is how it happens. Give yourself time to think on things, be kind to yourself. You have the right to open yourself up to loved ones when you feel it’s a good time. Most likely, you will get there. It seems very much in your personality to do so.

Secondly, loving the idea etc. the drive to want to be open and live a life like this. That’s a huge clue. I first came out to my husband as bi, I really thought I was. Eventually, over a span of a few years and many deep conversations he told me that he would be ok with me having a relationship with a woman he knew I had feelings for. She was married too, her husband was not aware though. I knew she loved him very much so everything felt balanced. There were many other clues to me not being bi once this relationship started, I put off listening to them because I knew it could mean losing them both. The feelings you mentioned above though were my biggest clue. I didn’t recognize those feelings until almost three years into the relationship. I noticed that on our trips away where we were free to be open as a couple how really completely I could feel all of who I was...it became apparent that the need for me to have that life was what felt right for me. I didn’t want to have that life with a man but with a woman. She didn’t feel the same. She would want that kind of life with me but it didn’t have to be with a woman for her. She was happy in either scenario. I discovered I was not. Realizing this difference is what made me look back at all the other clues in our relationship.

Of course this devastated me because indeed for me to live my truth it could mean losing them both. That’s when I got a therapist who was well versed in all aspects of sexuality and she helped me work through all my feelings. So turns out I am most certainly gay. My husband and I still care for each other very much and are working through the motions of separation and possibly divorce. I also broke things off with my gf of four years about two and a half weeks ago. We are also trying to maintain a friendship, my shift just brought to light discrepancies that couldn’t be resolved for her and I. My heart is breaking times two.

Still I have to be honest and true to set any kind of example for my daughters. I’m moving forward, slowly in grief, towards being open about who I am.

I’m not saying you are for sure gay. I’m just giving a little food for thought. Because what I’ve learned is there is a difference between bi and gay or even mostly gay. You just have to listen to your heart. Give yourself time to heal first. Just don’t ignore what your heart wants. That voice is there for a reason.

 

I've seen so many thread's like this one that I made a standard answer, you can read below in my signature.