I am a young open gay guy and within the past couple of years an older gentleman (by about 20 years) at work started flirting with me. The flirting resulted in us connecting and hanging out quite a bit outside of work, and I think it's fair to say we are quite good friends now. He is extremely adamant about being straight and faithful to his wife, but I strongly suspect he is bi, closeted, and has a bit of a crush on me. I would like to be there for him if he wants to come out or needs support, as I remember what it was like and how scary it was (I can only imagine what it would be like later in life with a family). Any insight/advice from others that have been in his shoes?
I'm assuming that you are good platonic friends and that you have no interest in hooking up or dating him. People come out when they are ready, so there is only so much that you can do. Direct confrontation (I think you are gay) would probably backfire and result in denial. I assume that he knows that you are gay. Maybe you can tell him parts of your coming out story as an ice breaker. It is curious that he said that he's straight and faithful to his wife. How did that come up?
Thanks for the reply. I do think he is handsome, but I also respect that he is married. I have viewed this as a platonic friendship. He has asked me many questions about the gay lifestyle (my coming out story, dating, ######, HIV testing, etc). He has mentioned he wishes he never married his wife and isn't attracted to her anymore, and one day the conversation organically lead to me asking him if he has ever cheated on his wife (didn't specify man or woman).
He's sought out a friendship with an openly gay man, asked a lot of questions about the gay life style, and expressed regret about his marriage. Based on what you've written, it sounds like he is questioning his sexuality, despite his claims that he is straight. The dynamics of a married man coming out to himself are quite complex. He's either in denial or in the closet. If I had to speculate, I'd say that his denial is beginning to thaw since he claims that he's straight rather than bi-sexual. He probably does not want to be gay and has shame and internalized homophobia that caused him to get married and be "normal". Unwinding these beliefs can result in an erratic, wide range of emotions (longing, anger, sadness, regret, etc.). It's possible that you are/might become his trigger crush. I would advise caution if things should escalate with him. You need to decide if you are morally OK being complicit with his cheating. Beyond that, the behavior of people who are questioning their sexuality can be quite erratic, so it would be a bumpy ride for you. If you have drinks with him, be aware that alcohol can act as a bit of truth serum. As for supporting him - continue to answer his questions. There are probably a lot of psychological mechanisms in place to protect his secret, so a direct confrontation (You've asked me a lot of questions about the gay lifestyle. Do you think that you might be bi-sexual?) is a potentially risky approach that might jeopardize the friendship since he would deny it unless the question is perfectly timed. Maybe if you ask him to talk more about his marriage or whether he wants to marry another woman, you might help him to connect the dots. You're already there for him! By answering his questions about the gay lifestyle, you are there for him as he comes out to himself (even if he's not aware that's what's happening). You could say (assuming this flows into the conversation naturally) "If you ever get to a point where you feel that you might not be totally straight, I'm here for you." I would avoid any statement that labels him as (or suggests that he could be) bisexual or gay until he says it first. Ultimately he needs to figure this out for himself and an any attempt to label him could jeopardize the friendship.
hope you are both doing okay no matter what happens I am sure both of you will do what is good for you both
Thanks, well put. It has been a bumpy ride. There are a lot of hot and cold moments (I don't mean sexual, but more along the lines of hanging out and intimiate conversations and then periods of him withdrawing and seeming almost angry and resentful toward me). I like to think of myself as having a fairly high eIQ and am quite intuitive, but being there for him is challenging from an emotional perspective. I would say I am 99.9% sure what is going on here, and it is frustrating to watch him go through this. I feel like after a lot of our interactions I walk away with some anxiety if that makes sense. I don't think he owes me an explanation by any means, I guess I am wondering more, from those of you that have been in his shoes: (1) what is he looking for in our interactions; (2) what does he need; (3) what is he thinking (he obviously isn't telling me); (3) what should I do/not do to help? Thanks again for the replies.
This is a good example of the erratic behavior I mentioned before, driven by the conflict between protecting his secret and learning who he was born to be What are you looking to get out of this interaction? Why go through this? inline (1) what is he looking for in our interactions; ==> Connection with his gay or bisexual self vicariously through you. It's not clear how conscious or subconscious this is for him. (2) what does he need; ==> To share his secret with somebody and discover that it's OK to be gay (or bisexual) (3) what is he thinking (he obviously isn't telling me); ==> that he might be gay or bisexual or not 100% straight - again it's not clear how conscious or subconscious this is for him. (3) what should I do/not do to help? ==> See my previous post. I get the sense that you are thinking about staging an intervention of sorts to alleviate his suffering, which while a noble idea, seems like a dangerous, heavy-handed undertaking / forced outing. If the interactions are draining you emotionally, again what do you want out of this?
Hey Hey123, First off, I'd say to "hold the horses." There is no use speculating about his sexuality at this point. Could he be a bi or gay guy who has clearly stated that he's unhappy in his current marriage? Sure. Could he be a straight guy who has clearly stated that he's unhappy in his current marriage? Sure, again. Could he be an alien (non-human) who has clearly stated that he's unhappy in his current marriage to a human female? Again, sure - although, of course, MUCH less likely. Why did he ask you @Hey123 about the gay lifestyle? Well, he's obviously curious and open-minded. He seems to think well of you. Perhaps he thinks that that is a topic that will help the two of you relate better. You said that he started 'flirting with you.' In what way(s)? Now, I'm not trying to say that you should forget the idea that he may be bi or gay, but I'm simply trying to help you step back a bit from the situation that you are closely involved with to see that maybe everything isn't quite the way that you are currently interpreting it. In terms of being there for him, I think that @SiennaFire stated it quite clearly: Regardless of his sexual orientation, you've become a confidant for him. If that is a role that you would like to continue to play, then I would suggest that you mostly be an 'ear' (i.e. listen to what he wants to tell you). That will also, hopefully/probably, give you a much better understanding in the longrun of his intent towards you. He may simply want to make you someone to whom he can 'unload' his burden about his marital problems while also having a friend that he can rely on. He may be bi or gay and looking for support from a fellow LGBTQ-community member. He may (as I think you seem to suspect) have a crush on you. I think (and this is simply my opinion) that the best way forward for you is to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart talk about your relationship. Does he think of you as a close platonic friend? Does he think of you as a 'like-minded' individual (a euphemism for another LGBTQ person)? Or does he actually have a crush on you? As hard as such a conversation can be (for both of you), only open, 2-way communication with him can resolve the issues and answer the questions that you are asking us here on EC. My 2cents.
To your first question, he has (1) touched me on several occasions - butt, arms, hugs, etc; (2) constant eye contact when we hang in addition to other classic flirting signs; (3) bought me a few things just because; (4) has taken me to nice dinners; (5) goes out of his way to help my career; to name a few. For your second point, I tried that earlier this year he deflected. In fact, after the convo he started texting and wanting to hang out more.
@Hey123, clearly those are indicators that he might like you 'that way'. But, also, as a Bi guy,(again I'm not implying he might be one way or another), I might do those things with a close male friend for whom I also have no romantic or sexual attraction. I am comfortable with my sexuality and most of my straight friends are, too. I've even cuddled with two of my straight friends on occasion when I needed comforting, but there was absolutely nothing sexual about it - certainly not for either of them nor for myself. Which actually leads us back to the second point. Until you have an open and honest, 2-way heart-to-heart-type talk with him, you are only going to keep asking yourself questions about your relationship with him. The 'good' thing, I guess, is that at this point, neither of you are openly saying that you have a mutual romantic or sexual attraction. You clearly would want to help mentor him (and mentorship is about experience, not necessarily age, as I think you understand very well) IF he wants to begin the process of Coming Out - again, assuming for the sake of this argument that his is other-than-heterosexual. So, I think you should consider pressing the issue. You said that earlier this year he deflected the issue, but then wanted to have much more contact with you. That sounds, to me, like he really WANTS to say something to you (whatever it is), but he may need you to press him on 'coming clean' about whatever it is. Sure, it may be about his sexuality, based on what you've posted, but it could also be about his discomfort with his marriage and unwillingness (for now) to even consider a divorce, or any number of other issues. Just try not to prejudge or be 'expecting' any certain admission if/when he might finally 'come clean' to you. The biggest downside would be, in my opinion, if he has a crush on you. After all, he is married and, honestly, dude, you just don't want to get yourself involved in the middle of that. MOST ESPECIALLY if he isn't even willing to Come Out to his wife and the two of them decide to move forwards towards a divorce. Finally, I'd like to say that you sound like a great and extremely considerate friend. Especially for your age. Stay strong!
Great Story! We are all in this together. I could easily be the elder man in this story. As a straight-married-bi, i so need to connect with a) men, and b) other people, who will accept me for who i am. My hair stylist is 20 or so years younger than me and we have a similar relationship.
@Hey123 - What is driving your interactions with him? I think this will largely inform / refine the suggestions made by QR and myself.
Originially I viewed him as a nice guy that was struggling with his sexuality and thought I could help, so I entertained the late night texts and accepted the invitations for beer/dinner. Of late, I would say I have developed feelings for him (one of the main reasons I reached out to this forum). I don't want to do anything to screw up the friendship and trust between us, and again, I respect that he is married.
Does your hair stylist know you are bi? I think an important part of "being accepted" is the ability to be fully open and honest with your closest friends. If you have had hose conversations, good for you!
@Quantumreality It's also possible that he is not ready to talk about it yet so I think pressing the issue is a bad idea.
@Lexa, I hear you and I wasn't recommending that @Hey123 should try to force the issue. Sexuality is, as we know, as very private and personal thing. However, what I am suggesting is that since his friend sought him out to specifically ask/talk about homosexuality and he has apparently already made overtures indicating that he would like to have a deeper conversation, @Hey123 could continue to engage his friend and either directly or indirectly let him know that he (@Hey123) believes that his friend wants to have a deeper conversation and that @Hey123 is open and ready to talk whenever his friend is. I certainly wasn't recommending that @Hey123 do anything as blatant (and potentially offensive) as say or imply that he thinks that his friend is other-than-heterosexual and try to get him to 'admit it.' @Hey123, again, you really have to be careful if you are developing feelings for him. For all intents and purposes, he's off-limits from a romantic/sexual standpoint for you, even if he might return those feelings. If necessary, maybe think about taking a break and giving yourself some time and distance away from him so that you can marshal your own emotions. Just some thoughts.
You're in a tough position because you are developing feelings for him, feelings that he may not be able to reciprocate because (a) he's either straight or questioning his sexuality and (b) he's married so it would be difficult to have a BF relationship with him (even if you are OK with the cheating), so you are at risk of getting hurt. A relationship with him best case is a long-term play that requires him to come out to himself and separate. I agree with @Quantumreality that it would be best to throttle your feelings for him. Be transparent with him that you are developing feelings for him and need to take a pause. Reiterate that you will still be there for him if he needs to talk. It occurred to me this might even be an indirect way to raise and gauge the issue of his sexuality, so listen carefully to what he says.
I have no intent of cheating, and I defintely do not want to be the side BF (I deserve better and so does his wife). In fact, I told him I was developing feelings for him several months ago hoping that we could have a mature conversation. His response was interesting - he didn't say he didn't have feelings for me, but rather he said he suspected that I had feelings for him. Then things went on as usual and he kept asking me to hangout...including dinners at his place and my place. Perhaps you are right and we should revisit that conversation in a different way and I should disengage to some extent?
