Confused and need help

To circle back to what @silverhalo suggested about saying "I'm gay" out loud to yourself every morning, another idea is to write it down and sit with how it feels to "say" it for a few minutes. I did that when I first came out, and it helped.

Actually, I wrote two statements:

1. I am straight. I am sexually attracted to men.
2. I am gay. I am sexually attracted to women.

(I know there's a lot of in-between in there.)

I read them over and tried to feel which one rang true to me.

Helped me figure things out. You can always shred the paper.

Z

 

I've never seen black mirror. Do you have any celebrity crushes?

 

Hi Far Out,

I wanted to reach out and tell you that you are not alone for what its worth.

I am also married with 2 kids.

About a year ago I realized that i had a crush on a woman at work and that I have always been attracted to women but somehow I never thought about doing anything about it. I always liked being around women, always had very close female friends but it always remained as friendships because they were straight and I never acknowledged my feelings to myself. Until last year... I could not deny what I felt when I saw this lady and its like it all came crashing through... years of feeling like this just came to the surface. I still feel the same way when I see this woman but she does not know and I try to avoid seeing her because it just makes me feel frustrated and confused.

Sex with men was never earth shattering, like my friends described, but i just thought it was me. I have never been with a woman so I don't have anything to compare. My marriage is happy and I find my husband attractive even though I am not often interested in sex. I have tried to rationalize it by thinking that I am just a bored wife but at some point that was not enough to describe what I was going through. A bored wife could always find another man but if I am clear about anything it is the fact that I have this overwhelming want to be with a woman. For now i have nowhere to express those feeling because I don't want to break up my marriage over this either.

This forum has been helpful since its the only place I can speak my mind so for now that has been my only outlet.

I hope you are able to find some peace of mind. In the meantime if you ever need to talk we can chat.

 

No worries. What kind of girls do you find catch your eye?

 

It is hard. When I was first asked this question I was like, erm, err, I don't know. I knew it wasn't all girls I just I'd never thought about it. I'd never crushed on a girl as such. I think thinking about it and observing girls (not in a pervvy) way helped me accept my gayness though. The next thing I realised was that I liked quite plain girls, like girl next door.

 

I was watching a program called Sugar Rush and the main character questions her sexuality and gets into a relationship with another girl and I was just watching one day and all of a sudden has a realisation that I was enjoying it more than the average straight girl.

 

I watched the movie Carol and it all clicked. There were prior indicators that were ignored like all best friend crushes I had from 13-14 to present.

 

I don't think it sounds silly at all. It was your sub conscious and your imagination telling you what you really wanted. Now you just have to go and get it, well minus the heartbreak preferably.

 

hugs

 

Hugs for all concerned

 

Well then it of course needs careful consideration but sometimes what seems like a heartbreak now can lead to greater things.

 

Aww I'm sorry you are upset. I totally get why you are upset. I totally 100% don't think you are lonely and making it up I just don't think that's something that happens. Do you have an ideal image of a woman in your mind or a celebrity crush?

Hugs

 

I came out as gay to myself last year and I am now separated from my wife and about to get a divorce. I highly recommend seeing an LGBT therapist, preferably a lesbian in your case. For me, I had deep depression and anxiety over this, and having a gay therapist who understands the emotional nuances of coming out has been enormously helpful for me.

 

I've been thinking about what your therapist said to you, and as frustrating as it was to not get an answer, I think she did exactly the right thing. I know how therapists think, and my guess is that she is of the mind that it's not her job (or her place) to tell you what your sexuality is. Rather, her job is to help you find that out for yourself. And I think she's right about that. I know you want answers, and it would have felt great to have someone look at you and just tell you if you're gay already! but what if she had? Then it might just be another round of conforming to someone else's idea of you (even if she's correct) because someone else would have defined you. It's critical that you define yourself. Not that you can't get help and advice and insights from people who have been there (and seeing a therapist is a great idea), but the bottom line, it's your decision and your decision alone.

I admire your therapist for telling you that no matter what the answer is, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I agree (of course). And I would add that asking the questions in the first place is also nothing to be ashamed of.

Z