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Separated but struggling with getting divorced - hard to accept I’m gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Questionsabound, Oct 8, 2017.

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  1. Questionsabound

    Questionsabound
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    Hi all,

    I’d appreciate any feedback from anyone who is going through or went through a similar situation.

    I separated from my wife in May when I told her I was gay. I had told her I was bi about a year ago. She’s staying in our condo and I’m living at my parents house.

    We haven’t spoken in four months. I’m feeling much better emotionally and mentally now that much of the anxiety has lifted. However I know I need to get divorced in order to have financial freedom.

    The problem is I still love my wife and I miss her everyday. And, I haven’t fully accepted that I’m gay.

    A lot of married guys wait for many years to come out and by that point they lost interest in their wives sexually. That was not the case for me. We had a good sex life and I enjoyed sex with her. She is very beautiful and I loved all her quirks and mannerisms and everything else.

    I have hooked up with a lot of men in the past few months. I feel that I get turned on by men easier than I do with women. But my mind right now almost blocks me
    From looking at men romantically; and I have mixed feelings about gay sex in terms of my own experiences with it. Sometimes it’s been hot and great, other times I get creeped out. Maybe it’s internalized homophobia, I don’t know. But sex with a woman was definitely easier. And even though I know I’m more attracted to men, I still have this weird grossed out feeling sometimes when I have sex with a guy.

    Anywho, all of this is to say it makes it harder to want to leave a woman who I love and had a great relationship and life with until I had a mental D-Day and realized my thoughts and attractions have always been more toward men.

    It’s hard to want to cut her out of my life for good when I’m not particularly enthusiastic about the direction it’s going in.
     
    #1 Questionsabound, Oct 8, 2017
  2. justaguyinsf

    justaguyinsf
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    Sounds like you are attracted to both men and women and that staying with your wife might be a good thing for you. Is that what she wants?
     
    #2 justaguyinsf, Oct 8, 2017
  3. Totesgaybrah

    Totesgaybrah
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    Hooking up with randoms would make me feel a little gross too, maybe try finding a guy who is relationship material.

    It does sound like you are attracted to both genders, although if your attractions are much stronger for men than women I totally understand identifying as gay instead of bi.
     
    #3 Totesgaybrah, Oct 9, 2017
  4. kendra1982

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    i kind of understand. its hard when youve been with people of the opposite sex your whole life and enjoyed it/most of it as in a society thats whats "normal" and we feel like this is how life is ment to be. im 30 and with my first ever female. i dont classs myself as lesbian as kinda like you i dont really want to as i enojyed my life dating men even tho most of them were dickheads it was normal and thats how life was meant to be. sometimes i also think wow it would be much easier to just go back to dating guys as then its easier to have kids, easier to accept yourself and feel normal and just blend in with society. but i also think it comes down to who you meet. even if you were going out hooking up with and sleeping with random woman im sure some of that would make you feel gross as well. it all comes down to the person esp when its something so new and different. hope this kind of helps :slight_smile:
     
    #4 kendra1982, Oct 9, 2017
  5. Destroyed

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    Your definitely bi, i dont know why you felt the need to separate from her, yet you still love her but if she doesnt want the relationship, i totally understand and respect that.
    If your the one who decided to separate and not her, you should talk to her and make her understand you love her and you would love to be with her, if your ready for a committed relationship with no cheating or open relationship both sides, if she's okay with that.
     
    #5 Destroyed, Oct 9, 2017
  6. SeulgiBunny

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    I feel that you should live some months without her and experiment with both, men and women and discover your sexuality; after you can comeback with her and she can forgive you if you really love her, end :slight_smile:.
     
    #6 SeulgiBunny, Oct 9, 2017
  7. Chip

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    First, no one -- not even a mental health professional -- can or should EVER tell anyone what their sexual orientation is or is not. Only the individual can determine that for him or herself.

    Second, OP, from what you are saying, I would be inclined to lean more in the direction that the connection you feel toward women is part of the "bargaining" stage of the stages of loss associated with coming out. (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance). The way bargaining looks is "Well, I know I like men, but I don't want to let go of the idea I could still end up with a woman". It's looking forward while also holding onto the past. And what you describe is pretty much textbook classic bargaining: You don't describe loving hetero sex and finding it incredibly exciting and fulfilling; you describe it as "easier" than gay sex. And the revulsion you feel (intermittently) about gay sex is also part of bargaining... it's the part of you that's having difficulty accepting who you are, likely as a result of some lingering internal homophobia. (Again, a classic part of the bargaining stage.)

    So for these reasons, what you're describing isn't consistent with what most bisexual people describe, and based on what you describe, I suspect that as you explore yourself more, you'll find the barriers, revulsion, and discomfort giving way to a more comfortable acceptance of who you are.

    Finally, it makes perfect sense that you love your wife. You married her because you felt something for her. But what you feel is very likely a deep sense of emotionally intimate friendship, which many, many gay men feel toward their female BFFs. And many people in your situation who eventually figure out they're gay have the same experience. In many cases, their former wife is able to remain a close and valued friend after the marriage ends. Of course, that depends on her... but if the friendship is truly deep and meaningful, it should be able to survive even if the marriage does not.

    Take your time. Don't let anyone tell you what your orientation is. There's no rush to figure this out... but just sit with it, continue to explore yourself. Masturbate without porn and experiment with different fantasies. All of these will help you get a bigger picture of where you fit on the spectrum.
     
    #7 Chip, Oct 10, 2017
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  8. SiennaFire

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    What you are experiencing is consistent with my experience, namely, some hookups are great and some not so much. This is more of a reflection of the nature of hookups than gay sex. If you don't click with a guy, the sex won't be great. When you find a BF you click with, the sex will be amazing. It's also possible there's an element of internalized homophobia as well if you feel inhibited about gay sex because you haven't fully accepted your sexuality. My blog about my experience overcoming shame might give you insights.
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Oct 12, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2017
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  9. Questionsabound

    Questionsabound
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    I think you are spot-on, Chip. My therapist has mentioned the concept of bargaining a few times. He actually said today that I’ve been doing a good job of moving past that. But I feel like I still have one foot in acceptance and one foot in bargaining. Hopefully I will be fully accepting of all of this soon.
     
    #9 Questionsabound, Oct 12, 2017
  10. Questionsabound

    Questionsabound
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    SiennaFire, thanks for that link. That is quite an amazing blog post and it helped me to read it. You are like the 20th person who has told me about The Velvet Rage so now I have to buy it!
     
    #10 Questionsabound, Oct 12, 2017
  11. SiennaFire

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    Guys in my support group recommended The Velvet Rage, which helped me understand shame and internalized homophobia and how to address them. It sounds like you are tackling this head on through therapy, BMMG, and now reading The Velvet Rage. Great job!
     
    #11 SiennaFire, Oct 13, 2017
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