im realising something over the last few days, I've been given a gift, many gifts actually, too many to count, but I'm realising now on a deeper level than I have before, what a gift it is to be gay. I know that for many being gay is just another fact about who they are, and that's awesome, incredible. It's what it should be! I also know, on the other extreme, for others being gay has led to a much more difficult path than mine. For me, me being gay has taken my life down a long twisty confusing path, it's made me think deeply, reflect on who I am, work hard to accept myself, and in that process, I've built a richer, deeper, more meaningful life. I'm grateful for the life I've led, even the dark places I've gone after the abuse. All of it has taken me to this place. Finding me. I love my path, my life, my daughter, finding home. I have been feeling more present, more clear and free. Taking the kids out for the day, listening to them play, the chaos, the stress of parenthood, that's a gift too. Thers no shortage of chaos and "stuff" happening, but inside I'm free. What a gift this life is.
It's interesting how much beauty in the world/life opens up when you live in the present. I keep noticing things like how incredible the sky is, bright and beautiful; how interesting people are, how good music feels. I feel like my mistakes are a gift as well. And they're just being human. I've been trying the gratitude ritual you suggested too, and it puts things in such perspective.
It's amazing to me how grateful I am for being gay, because for me it was that thing that jarred me out of just going along. When the road that everyone travels, the road that everyone has laid out for you, just isn't going to work it forces you to really sit down and decide what really matters to you and what you will do and where you will go to get it. I think that path that's laid out for everyone doesn't really work for many people, but it sort of works for most and it allows them to just kind of limp along. I'm grateful that limping along wasn't an option for me, so now I can run.
I'd like be like you, sadly since i know that i am lesbian, i've been kinda sad i regret myself of too many things.
It takes time for many of us to accept and embrace that we're gay. What is it right now that is maling it difficult for you? This board is amazing in encouraging you to accept who are.
In retrospect being bi saved me. My parents where very good in pushing us both (my younger sister and I) on the path they wanted us to follow. I always resisted as much as I could. Deep down I felt like that whatever I tried I never could meet their standards anyway so I desperately tried not to loose myself totally while living with them. It took me 14 years after I left (slowly moving forward from day one) to become totally me again but I'm there! My sister on the other hand is lost... She's acting, and just like my parents, always keeping up appearances.
I don't think I've been this happy since figuring out that I am gay. I feel so complete. I just can't express enough about how freaking happy I am!
Siennafire just suggested to do a gratitude ritual, he didn't specify anything; so I just thought what feels good to me is in the mornings or at some quiet point in the day, I think to myself "I'm grateful for.... " and let anything pop into my head. It has given me that extra push to appreciate the path I'm on, it's really helped me.
I'm probably one of those people you mentioned in the original post for whom being gay is simply a part of who they are; I feel like it's a part of the factory default setting for me, as it were. But what I'm truly thankful for is this whole process of accepting it and all that comes with it. I understand now how wonderful it is to not have to edit great pieces of my personality. I can laugh about things from my childhood that I used to quickly gloss over, like my obsession with pink bathrooms and kitchens, or the plays I would stage with my siblings where I always ended up playing the wicked queen (and camped it up to the max!). I have become more assertive and question things more than I used to. I have learned how wonderful it is to lead a more simple life since moving out, and can rejoice in our somewhat bare one bedroom apartment, and how nice it is not to have a cluttered mess. While I haven't magically discovered what I want to be when I grow up, I've changed jobs and am working on figuring out what direction I want to move. I have made a certain amount of peace with my ex-wife, certainly more than if I had stayed with her and tried to be her husband. I've discovered how deeply I love my children and how very much they love me back, and what a positive base we have for a real adult friendship. And I have realized how truly beautiful it is to have a normal and kind of sucky day, but come home to someone who loves me, and just BE with him, and know that this is really the part of the day that matters. It's almost like BEING gay is less important to me than being ABLE to be gay. Remember the driver's ed cars that had an extra brake on the passenger side, so the teacher could slow you down or slam on the brake and stop you if they thought you were getting a little out of control? That was life before, driving down the road but constantly feeling like someone was keeping you from just hitting the gas and moving. The extra brake is gone now, and it's wonderful.
Yes - I suggested that baristajedi do a gratitude ritual. I was intentionally vague, as there are many forms of the ritual out there from different people/authors/self-help types. Simply find one that works for you. The idea is to start your day on a positive note, taking time to reflect on the good things in your life through gratitude and appreciation. Personally I have a list of people and things that "I am grateful for ..." which I review and revise as part of my daily planning.
I spent an awful lot of my school years being bullied because I was overweight, somewhat distinctive looking, and generally dressed horribly because my parents were perpetually strapped for cash and had to shop the bargain bins for clothes that would fit me. It got to the point where I was on the defensive every moment of the school day and couldn't stand to be anywhere near most of my classmates. Somehow I ended up being in charge of some committee or other and had to make a speech. The first thing out of my mouth was a very innocent, "Hi, I'm <name>, I think most of you know me, at least by sight". It drew huge laughs and they actually listened to what followed. I asked one of my few friends afterwards why they had laughed, since I was clueless, and he explained that they all just assumed I was poking fun at myself and going for a laugh. It was quite a revelation--inadvertently they were laughing WITH me instead of AT me. It was a lesson that started the Titanic moving away from the iceberg, and has been helpful for years, especially in the coming out process. The lesson is, yes, people can be mean and yes, sometimes there are things about us that are unappealing or might push people away. But some of that--a whole lot, in fact--depends on what you make of it and how you spin it--including to yourself. The people who laugh AT you are your enemies; the people who laugh WITH you can be your friends if you allow them to and don't immediately assume the worst. It's been a long journey from a bullied and miserable and unlikeable teenager to the somewhat goofy and quirky Pollyanna that I have become. I'm still awkward and shy, but I'm at least happy and functional now, and God knows I'm every bit as weird as I was in high school We are all works in progress. What we are today is not the same as yesterday or tomorrow. The things that make us the most unique might seem like a liability, but they can also be what makes us special. Kind of like being gay.
This sounds so much like my school days. I was bullied, ostracised, laughed at. I was the misfit, always. I know that experience has helped me to grow as a person. I learned to love my weirdness, my quirks, my silly and strange sense of humour. I agree with what you say that so much of it is about how you spin it to yourself. There's a reason for the saying, if we didn't laugh, we'd cry. The people who win are the ones who can find humour, strength and growth in their pain. Many of us on this board know what it's like to feel different, alone and completely lost. It's the strength in coming back from that that I see on this board, and it inspires me.
I agree with this 100 percent. I was bullied for being too skinny and reading too much. I got used to being an outsider too, to the point where I don't need anybody's company to have a good time. Sometimes, you can't help but ask yourself why you went through certain things. However, I'm retrospect, you realise that sometimes it is really is to prepare you for a bigger moment. Maybe the moment when, at the age of 33, in a long term relationship with a man and you have a 5 year old son, you realise that you actually have a thing for women.
I don't think you do. You and other people have what some might refer to as "shared pain". In that you are isolated and ostracized for more or less similar traits. I can promise you that you don't understand me or my isolation. You say you're different, but I'm more like a cartoon character. You speak of masks and yet I wear one everywhere I go no matter what group it is in order to fit in. I've played the part for some time. Do not liken yourself to me. Maybe to others here, but I know for sure not me. I don't think that ones that win are those who find strength and growth in pain. To me those people likely haven't suffered enough to truly understand pain and loss. Not that there is any "victory" in life, it all ends the same way no matter what you choose. To me winning is knowing that sometimes pain is pain. It hurts and we have to deal with it. There is no growth, no lesson. It's just part of life. No one deserves it but it happens. Accepting stuff happens and knowing that there isn't gonna be a rainbow or silver lining all the time is the mark of wisdom. It's accepting that life is hard and that sometimes the bad outnumbers the good. That's why I don't like optimism, it's just a cruel point of view to people.
It's not really "who" so much as "what". What people are is gay or straight, or bi, or whatever. That's not a who though.
sweetie, you have no idea how much im smiling right now...... seeing some of the gifts you list reminds me of some of mine, including parenthood, and finding Sarah.
