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My fiance cheated on me. Can't stop thinking about it.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by stillhidden, Oct 9, 2017.

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  1. stillhidden

    stillhidden
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    Hello all,

    I used to post on here about coming out and the hardships of it, but thankfully, I am past that. I am out to my family and friends, and it feels great. Almost 2 years ago, I met my current boyfriend (now fiance), and he is the love of my life. I still believe that even now. We have so much in common (both big gamers), and we love each other very much.

    However... A few days ago, I found out he cheated on me around a week ago. He claims he had no intention of cheating when it happened. He went over to a friend's house when I was visiting my parents for the night. He didn't tell me he was going there, and apparently this is someone he has done stuff with before (prior to us meeting). Anyway, he says they got high, watched a movie, and the other guy started to touch him. He didn't stop the other guy, and then he also started touching the other guy. From what he told me, they basically just jerked each other off, and the he left.

    I found out because I was looking at his phone for his work schedule the next week to decide if I was going to be doing something a certain night. He had always told me I could check his phone, and so I did. I swear I wasn't looking for anything like that (it was the last thing on my mind). I stumbled upon the texts that led to them meeting up. The whole thing just reminded me of an app hook-up conversation (at least from the perspective of the other guy). He sent him pictures of him shirtless and asked for pictures back, but my fiance didn't send any. Anyway, I confronted him about it, and he apologized over and over, cried, even had to go to the bathroom to puke, then just sobbed over the toilet. I know he feels genuine remorse for what he did.

    However, I can't get the idea of them together out of my mind. I'm fine for large parts of the day, but sometimes I think of him touching the other guy, and I become physically ill almost. I've been..drinking a little bit too much the last few days as well (I know this is bad, and it won't continue for long) trying to...cope, I guess. I still can't believe he has done this to me. This is seriously the last thing I ever expected from him. He has been cheated on before, so he knows how it feels... how it feels to be utterly betrayed by someone you love and care about so much.

    I don't know what to do... I want to still marry him, be with him, and even have children with him, but... It's so hard to stop thinking about it. Right now is such a terrible time for this to happen because I'm also going back to college, and I have huge projects/homework/midterms this week. It's so hard for me to focus on anything... I've been crying a lot, and I just.... I can't stop picturing them together and knowing what he did. He still has no clue as to why it happened which bothers me. If I at least had a reason (we have a lot of sex, so I don't think it's a sexual issue, but who knows), I think I would be better able to understand and handle this situation.

    Does anyone have any advice at all? I can't believe this is happening... I really can't.
     
    #1 stillhidden, Oct 9, 2017
  2. Destroyed

    Destroyed
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    Therapy may work with the both of you present, where you get answers,solutions and heal.
    For you need healthy directioned communication right about now. Before you self-destruct more and it affects your life.
     
    #2 Destroyed, Oct 9, 2017
  3. Twist

    Twist
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    Ok, I'm going to precursor my response by saying that these are my personal opinions based on my own experiences.

    If he felt remorse for what he did, he would have reacted this way to his actions BEFORE being caught and/or possibly even confessed to you what he'd done. In my perception, this remorse isn't for what he did at all, but for the fact that he was caught, and what the repercussions of being caught might entail.

    Couples therapy might work, but I think you need to really examine if you believe him that it won't happen again or not and are -able- to forgive him. To me, his behavior with his "friend" as well as his reactions to being caught (as I outlined above in my post) is suspect.
     
    #3 Twist, Oct 9, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2017
  4. stillhidden

    stillhidden
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    I have considered therapy for us, but neither of us have health insurance or anything that would help pay currently. I'm sure there are free options out there, though?
     
    #4 stillhidden, Oct 9, 2017
  5. stillhidden

    stillhidden
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    As much as I don't like reading what you said, thank you for the response. I truthfully don't think he would cheat again, but... I can't help but have a slight doubt right now all things considered. I want to believe he would never do it again (he's said over and over he wouldn't). From an outside perspective, what you said is probably true. I just don't understand why this happened. I swear he is a good person which is why I'm so confused. I keep trying to find reasons or things I did wrong to make this happen, but I just can't. I'm not perfect, but I consider myself a really great person and boyfriend/fiance. :frowning2:

    I will say that the night it happened, he told me he "tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep". This was before I found out about it. So apparently it was definitely on his mind, and he said he felt like shit on the drive home. The fact that I had to find out and he didn't just tell me is a big concern, though. I mean, obviously a larger concern is it happened in the first place, but you know what I mean.
     
    #5 stillhidden, Oct 9, 2017
  6. Destroyed

    Destroyed
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    I love that you have principles,standards and your a romantic and a commited kinda guy. Its really sentimental and rare to find in guys. Also seems his your first love, thats why the strong burst of deep feelings.
    I'll say he broke your trust, which means sooo much to you. It will be difficult for you to recover from all this, thats why i said therapy if you feel it may help anything. If you feel, that cant help heal the broken trust, then its best to walk away and it will be painful and tough but worth it in the end.
     
    #6 Destroyed, Oct 9, 2017
  7. gravechild

    gravechild
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    My first reaction would be, "Once a cheater, also a cheater", but I also know many (gay) relationships that work when both partners have a bit of "freedom" outside the official one. Of course, I'm not sure if they were lied to or cheated on early in their relationships.

    The part about the tossing and turning sounds like what abusers do to make you feel sympathy for them, and once they earn your trust, continue to behave like they did before.
     
    #7 gravechild, Oct 9, 2017
  8. Sawyer

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    Cheating has less to do with you and more to do with them. I agree with what most of the responses are. I too have been cheated on by a long term partner (not engaged, but we did talk about marriage), and finding out I was cheated on was heartbreaking. A couple years later, at a low point in my life, I even tried to see if we could rekindle our relationship when I realized that old saying of once a cheater always a cheater. If I had got back together with her, I'd spend the majority of the relationship wondering if she was cheating and that is very unhealthy.

    Being engaged and having him cheat--cheating is a behaviour I don't associate with someone who says they love you. If a person truly loves you, there is no one else. They shouldn't be straying.

    Ultimately it's your decision on whether to give him a second chance. Sometimes there is no reason why someone cheats, but I always believe cheating means one person doesn't love or care about the other. If they did, they wouldn't have cheated.
     
    #8 Sawyer, Oct 10, 2017
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  9. Maya100

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    I agree with Sawyer, he may love you but not as much as you love him. I'm sure you would never dream of cheating or 'accidentally' - as in not planned - doing what he did. He didn't think of you when he went and touched someone else, he didn't think of you enough to even tell you, you had to find out yourself, whether he was up all night or not, he didn't confess and try to fix the situation by even offering a reason. He's broken your trust and you have to think about whether the level of trust you had before you found out can be rebuilt.
     
    #9 Maya100, Oct 10, 2017
  10. Humbly Me

    Humbly Me
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    It sounds as if he was mentally impaired at the time, so I caution you to think about that before concluding that it was really him cheating on you as a conscience decision.
     
    #10 Humbly Me, Oct 10, 2017
  11. Chip

    Chip
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    Hey, first I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. It has to be incredibly gut wrenching to give your heart to someone and have them abuse your trust. Once broken, it is very, very hard to ever be able to restore trust in these situations.

    I'm going to agree with Twist, Gravechild, and Sawyer. Someone who genuinely loves and cares about you wouldn't put himself in a situation that's risky. Additionally, as you point out, the texts sound like the prelude to an app hookup. I have friends who have been in conversations like this, and the moment anything even slightly inappropriate comes up from the other person, the immediate response is "Sorry, I'm in a relationship, and I don't feel comfortable continuing this conversation." Someone who is secure in a relationship would do that. Your fiance not only didn't do that... he went and met up with the guy, and got high with him. Getting high gives him plausible deniability ("I'm so sorry! I didn't know what I was doing"), but that's utter bullshit, because he knew going into the situation what the guy was after, and he also didn't mention to you that he was going. I absolutely don't buy the "mental impairment" excuse because, quite frankly, it's a cop-out.

    I hate to say it, but your fiance knew exactly what he was doing. Most likely it stems from low self esteem, but that doesn't matter. People are responsible for their actions. This wasn't a momentary lapse of judgment; he made multiple decisions that led him to that place. 1) Not to terminate the text convo 2) to agree to meet up with the guy 3) to get high with the guy, knowing what the guy wanted, and 4) Not to resist and get his ass out of there at the first moment of something questionable.

    If it were me... I'd be done. I know that may sound harsh, but with an intentional act for which he had to pass multiple places where he could have said no, and instead chose to continue on... this isn't a behavior of someone who genuinely cares about you, at least not as much as you care about him. I'm sure he genuinely feels bad. But likely he feels bad about getting caught. Otherwise, he would likely never have brought it up. (If he were genuinely concerned when he was "tossing and turning" he would have awakened you and discussed it, or talked about it the next morning.)

    Also, don't exclude the possibility that, at some unconscious level, he wanted you to find this out because, somewhere inside, he isn't ready to commit to the relationship, but can't bring himself to end it. By having this happen, you become the heavy because you are the one that chooses to leave (at least, that's the rationalization that goes along with this sort of thinking and behavior. It's bullshit, but it's a great rationalization.) Even if this is the case... it would raise a million red flags, and I'd be out of there.

    One other thought: Do you deserve someone who intentionally cheats on you, no matter what the excuses or mitigating factors? Are you thinking of staying with him because, at some level, you fear you can't do better? Please give thought to your own self-worth. You deserve someone who will love and care for you, as much or more than you love them, someone who is completely honest, authentic, and trustworthy. It doesn't sound like your fiance is any of those things.
     
    #11 Chip, Oct 10, 2017
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  12. resu

    resu
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    No matter what he says or cries about, your fiancé chose to get into a compromising situation while you were gone and then turn it into a hookup. I'm with Chip that it's suspicious he would cheat on you after getting engaged, which is supposed to be a greater commitment.

    You say this is a stressful time for you going back to college. Honestly, I would say to hold off from any future wedding plans and focus on your studies and taking care of yourself. Try also to talk to trusted friends/family for support. It's not going to be easy since you have spent so much time in this relationship, but remember that you don't have to settle for such behavior. There are other "gaymers" who are mature and responsible who will respect you and your relationship expectations.
     
    #12 resu, Oct 11, 2017
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