Confused and need help

Hey @Far Out
Welcome to EC!

First things first. You are not crazy. And second. Your husband is mistaken. There are many people here who have come from accepting, open-minded families and still didn't figure out that they were anything but straight until later in life. Myself included. It simply didn't occur to me.

As you've already dated women, I'd say you're already a member of the LGBT circle but maybe you just haven't clicked with a local community yet. Have you checked out what it's like where you are now? Meetup.com is a good place to look for non-dating, social groups. Some of them are geared to one activity or another but some are just general social groups that get together to do different things. Maybe search the meetup for your city using the keywords: lesbian, queer, women only, or LGBT, etc. Maybe hanging out with them will give you a better sense of things.

And, of course, stick around here to read and post. There are tons of people in very similar situations and lots of good stuff to learn from each other.

Happy Friday!

 

You're not an imposter. My guess is that if you just wanted action - and I'm guessing you mean sexual action here, that you'd just go to a bar or supermarket and pick up some random guy. But it doesn't sound like that's what you want. You seem to be attracted to women and some combination of factors has now pushed this information to the forefront of your mind. You could very well be bisexual with the pull towards women being stronger now than towards men. Or not, and you are gay but either way, you should still be welcome in any of those LGBTQ groups. All sorts of LGBTQ people are married and nobody should have an issue with that.

Is there an LGBTQ resource centre in your city? Perhaps they have a support group you could check out. If not, they should be able to point you in the right direction. Whatever your ideal world scenario is, you just need help navigating your way there.

 

Well you joined EC and that's a great first move. This is a great site where you will find you are not alone in your struggles.
I recently saw a post from @Zoe where she said straight people don't question their sexuality. I thought it was a really great way of putting it, I mean if you have got to the point where you have signed up to a LGBT forum you are probably not straight and if in your case you've had trembling passionate sex with a woman then I'd say you are probably not straight but only you can decide exactly what that means. Don't be too hard on yourself these journeys are difficult but EC can be a great help.

 

I think if your experiences with women had gone better then you would be on a different path right now. You sound as though you enjoyed it and it keeps coming back in your head so must mean that you still want it. I can totally relate with thinking that you’re putting ideas in your head and that you are crazy! But something my therapist said this week really helped so maybe it will you too. Think of a food that you don’t like and go away and convince me that you now like it. Can you do that? My answer was no! My food was curry’s which I hate mainly due to the smell and taste and there is no way I could just suddenly like them. So conclusion is you can’t put ideas in your head you either like something or you don’t. I didn’t come from a religious background but think it was mainly due to society being homophobic and not wanting to be different and wanting to fit in and be who I’m supposed to be rather than who I actually am, if you start on that path from a young age then you can quite easily get to your 30s and beyond before you realise you’re not straight.

 

They are all difficult questions and ones that people here can talk through with you but not make for you. I guess the quick obvious answer is to think you can't possibly break up your family over this but then on the flip side of this it is obviously big enough of a deal in your life that you have ended up here in the first place and it obviously weighs heavily on your mind a lot of the time.

 

Do you see a therapist that specialises in LGBT stuff?

 

I've been kind of the same boat, but actually reading through your post - it looks like you've had woman experience.
Don't you think this alone should make things just a tad easier?
You can't dismiss the idea that it is possible to be passionate with a woman.
Your husband's calm attitude may be good as well, while you figure things out.
It is definitely a limbo situation and unfortunately I have no good advice. I've been in limbo for quite some time.
But @silverhalo's question is good - lgbt therapist may help?

 

Don't under estimate social pressures and the need to fit in. Society leads us to assume we are straight. Sure you had a couple of female experiences but you say you were scared of the lesbian and LGBT scene and anxious so it's not surprising that you then opted to marry a guy it sounds like you may have had/have some internalised homophobia and don't take that the wrong way I have never been homophobic but when I first questioned my sexuality I was like no not me, I can't be. It's ok for everyone else but not for me kind of feelings.

Also both of the women you dated were really mean to you so it's no wonder your brain was like no no we don't want this.

How do you honestly feel about your husband? If you imagine being with a woman how does that make you feel?
When you were with that second woman how does that compare?

 

I guess then my main question would be what would you like to happen moving forward?

 

Yeah I get that these things are never easy. Stick around and check out some of the threads in the later in life section. There are many people here in similar situations all forging their own paths and journeys. I'm sure they would all be willing to share their stories with you.

 

Hi Far Out (love that name, by the way),
If you have an opportunity to seek out a counselor who specializes in LGBT issues, it might really help you work through some of these questions you have. Most likely, she would have helped lots of other people through similar situations and questions, and maybe had even gone through some of them herself. I can't imagine a counselor who would reject someone because they wanted to talk about these issues, but someone who has experience with them might actually be more helpful.

I know this was the case with my infertility. I was seeking a counselor at the time, but I also sought out someone who specialized in infertility issues, and it made a huge difference. My counselor was good, but the specialist really knew how to talk to me about infertility in a way my other counselor (perhaps not coincidentally was a guy) could not.

Just something to think about.

Whatever the case, I can echo that you've come to a good place, Many of us have experienced these sorts of questions and feelings and are happy to listen and (if you want) offer advice.