questions for other "new" lesbians

Hi Kendra,

I'm not sure if I still qualify as a new lesbian, but I did come out later in life. I've been out for about 4 years now, and I'm married to a woman. I can't speak to exactly why these feelings are cropping up, but I can tell you that even though I am very comfortable with who I am and have never been happier, it took me a little while to get used to saying "girlfriend" and "Wife" felt even stranger. I think it was not because I was uncomfortable, but rather I worried about making other people uncomfortable. I finally gave that up and said to myself, "They're adults. They can deal with it. Or not. Either way, it makes no difference to me." Since then, it's gotten a lot easier to introduce my spouse as "My wife."

 

Hey I'm not sure I qualify as a new lesbian but I still remember being a new lesbian. I totally agree with Zoe, most of the trouble I had coming out to people and holding my girlfriends hands was my fear I was going to make someone else uncomfortable.

How often do you go out and about with your girlfriend? Would you normally hold her hand when you were out and about? How accepting is it where you live?

 

Ok I get that. There is that split second when someone asks you a question where you have to decide whether to be truthful or just avoid answering properly. I think the more you talk about it honestly the easier it will become. Have you ever had any negative reactions when you have spoken about your girlfriend

 

For me the more I always told the truth, whilst it was tough to make myself do it the quicker I learnt that it would be ok and felt better about it.

 

I wonder if you feel comfortable being with a girl, but not so much saying "I'm gay" or putting a label on yourself. Do you think thebissue is that you don't necessarily identify with a label? Do you have any shame? Confusion? Are you worried about how other people would treat you? Those are just some initial thoughts to help you explore different issues that might be part of this.

 

@baristajedi that is somewhat of what I go through. And I don't know how to really get around it.

I have zero problems holding a girl's hand in public, I've held a girl's hand in public, I've kissed girls in public, I've flirted with women. But damn! For some reason, even though I have, when I think about telling people I'm gay, I just freeze. I just don't want to deal with labels.

 

Do you feel it is the gay label you don't feel right with or just labels altogether?

 

I was wondering the same as @silverhalo, not everyone wants or needs a label. I like labels, but to others they can feel confining or restrictive, which is just a matter of preference. Do you think that you are resisting a label? And maybe that's just your preference? Or do you think that you have a fear or shame in saying you're gay?

 

@silverhalo and @baristajedi i definitely have the internal shame I am working through. Yes.

I could literally have sex with a woman in broad day light. Walked around all day the other day with a pride bracelet.

But if someone asked me, are you gay? I would be like, whaaaaaaaaaaat? Um. Ha. Well, I like women!! Then I'd run away.

 

So. You don't like to label yourself gay because in your mind it is a bad thing and is associated with negative connotations. I get that. How have you been working on it?

 

I'm trying to identify why exactly I think it is a negative thing and challenge that in my mind. Logically I don't think it is a bad thing at all!! But subconsciously I must.

Also maybe I have some confusion bc I have been with men.

 

Maybe.
I totally get how hard it can be. I am fully accepting of my gayness it doesn't bother me at all really anymore but if there is ever one thing I struggle to get over it is the feeling that by me being gay I have let my parents down, which I know is illogical and I'm pretty sure they don't think that but these things can be so hard to shift.
If you could shift the negatives would you use the gay label?

 

@silverhalo and @OED27x, this is exactly me. I am so incredibly awkward saying the words "gay" or "lesbian" even in therapy or to my close friends who I have been talking to about my attraction to women for months. The label makes me choke on my words. When I hear myself say it I still think "oh no, I'm not really really actually gay.. am I". I definitely think I have negativity or shame attached to the words. I am always searching for loopholes that fit into the reason why I may not actually be fully gay. Interesting stuff.

 

this has been very helpful to read. Labels are so predominant now and it seems like the more there are the more I'm resisting them all. It took me a long time to accept my path through life. Once I did that I found I was able to start narrowing down the labels I apply to myself. At the age of 39 I'm finally able to identify as gay or queer without feeling like a poser. I've made peace with my past as well as what my chosen labels evoke in myself and others.

I hope you find the peace and labels you're looking for Kendra.

 

I think when I was first coming out I felt like an imposter because I didn't feel gay enough, whatever that means. I felt like how do I come out I don't even know how to be gay. I felt as though someone needed to give me a handbook with some guidelines about the steps I needed to are and the rules I needed to adhere to if I was going to identify as gayut the truth is there is no right or wrong gay. I'm attracted to girls and that's as gay as it gets, it's not about how you look on the outside or how many girls you've been with or how long you have been out. The best way to be gay is just to be me.