Feel so utterly, devastatingly lost....

hi, everyone. by now it's been a month since i came out to my wife. it's been a turbulent roller coaster to say the very least. she and i both are simply exhausted and tired of all the constant crying and sadness. i've continued seeing my individual therapist; she started seeing one just today, and we both continue our couples therapy sessions as well. in short, we're both putting in the work on how to navigate these trying waters.

the problem that we're both facing now is that we're each in different places on this journey. it's incredibly remarkable how since coming out, everything seems so clear to me now. over the weeks i've become more confident in my awareness...i'm actually using the word "gay" to describe myself whereas before i was too ashamed to even mention that word. i kept referring to it as "the g-word." my wife has noticed this confidence in me and is proud of me. but again, the problem is that we're both in different places on this journey. we had talked prior about wanting to stay together, how maybe i could use viagra in order to be intimate with her again. but, i had to give her the heartbreaking truth last week that that option no longer works for me where i am now in my journey. as much as i love her and care about her, as much as i find her drop-dead gorgeous, the bottom line is that i'm a gay man. i know that hurt her immensely. she's devastated knowing that i no longer find her desirable. i wish to heaven that wasn't the case; i wish i wasn't gay at all. it still doesn't make sense to either of us how just a year ago i couldn't keep my hands off of her and we had a great, fulfilling sex life. how in the hell does it go from that to feeling absolutely nothing? mind-bogglingly frustrating.

i also feel that i've been progressing faster that she has. she's still stuck in the same place of "i still want to be with my husband," whereas i'm now starting to feel trapped. and i HATE saying that...i hate even thinking that because i don't want to be so selfish to her. we're processing this new reality at different speeds. as i said at the beginning, having come out i see things so much clearer now. i suppose it makes sense that i'm now here in my journey vs. my wife who is still way back there.

for me, it's at the point where i dread the weekends. we both feed off of each other's sadness and depression. we both get hit hard by sudden bouts of crying. we try to comfort each other, but it's difficult. in short, we're both wallowing in each other's misery. we came to the very sad decision that the writing is clearly on the wall: divorce. but we're going to try a separation for the next several months....not with the intent of trying to get back together, but because of timing. her brother is getting married in june 2018; we don't want to divorce before that and take away from his milestone, nor do we want to cause stress to her parents who are planning for this wedding. so, a separation is what we're going to do in the interim. the question is how? what does that look like? i have a good friend that will let me crash with him for however long i need, but my wife and i haven't ironed out any details. i've been so depressed and mopey that i'm not able to concentrate on anything. my professional life has suffered, and i've lost all desire to do anything. i can't tolerate being around people because i feel i'm faking it. i realized that my processing method requires that i be alone. that's why i feel it'd be better for us to separate. my wife travels a lot for work, and i've benefitted from being alone during those days to reflect, think and come to realizations. i think we both need time apart in order get more clarity and also to get used to the idea of being apart from each other. we talked about keeping our separation as a business agreement: we'll keep our bank accounts together, she'll stay on my health insurance, etc. in short, we're married only on paper. but what's going to happen when i feel ready to start exploring the life of a gay man? what if i want to date around? i don't know when that will be, but it will happen.

also, the biggest question mark is when do we tell our families? do we wait to separate after christmas and tell them then, or do we keep our separation secret? i have no idea? what i do know is that i'm not ready to see her family. it's going to be too painful and extremely difficult to fake it in front of them. i love her family as i love my own (hence it being so painful). i can't just sit out of spending the holidays with them. maybe we fake it for them and tell them after? or we tell them now? ugh. all of this is such a nightmare.

regardless of the progress i've made in accepting myself, i still feel like absolute crap for doing this to our families. i married the love of my life, and now she's gotten the raw end of the deal. her father gave her away to me to take care of her, protect her, love her and cherish her.....and i've failed every single one of them. she has two identities with me now: as my friend, she's happy for me and proud of me; as my wife, she's devastated that she's losing her husband forever. how can i not feel like absolute s h it for this?

we both desperately wanted to slow things down and not rush into separating/divorcing, but again, i can't help or predict where i'm going to be or how i'm going to feel with each day. i wish i could slow things down, but how can i? i'm feeling trapped, i feel like i'm faking it, and i feel that i need to be alone. but is my concern and sorrow for my wife holding me back and keeping me from dealing with these things the way i need to? my therapist says i need to be able to process things the way i need to; so does my wife. that's why i feel that us being under the same roof isn't making things any easier.

i apologize for the novel i wrote. i'm just seeking answers and solutions. if any of you have any input on how best to navigate these waters of separation, please let me know. thank you all for your time. take care.

 

thank you, leb. today has been another grueling, emotional day. it's abundantly clear that my wife wants to slow things down, that she isn't ready to undergo a separation yet even tho we both know divorce is where we're heading. the thing is that she feels disappointed that we haven't considered ALL possible options, but to me, there aren't any. what would an open marriage look like for real? i'm a gay man and as much as i love my wife with my heart and soul, i know i'm going to eventually want to be in a romantic/emotional relationship with a man. just about everything i've read about open marriages have prerequisites stating that you aren't allowed to fall in love with your side fling. i can't have sex with her, i can't provide the physical intimacy she needs. and, we're both dreading having to tell our families....especially with the holidays being around the corner.

i feel like an absolute, utter failure....failure because i wasn't able to be the husband and future father we both wanted. i keep being told that this isn't my fault but how can i not feel that way? all of this is happening because of me. our families are going to be devastated because of me. the promising future we both dreamed of is destroyed because of me. and our dream wedding 5 years ago has now become a nightmare.

she's now visiting a close friend, talking to her about our latest updates (i'm glad she has support). because of this, i'm sitting here in our home alone, and i feel better being alone. we keep discussing repeatedly what the "purpose" of a separation would be. would it be to give us both time alone to figure out next steps, to seek clarity? or would it be to help us transition towards divorce while still being in each other's lives and supporting one another financially? for me, it's the latter. but i know she's not ready for that yet because again she feels everything is moving so damn fast. and she's right. it has moved fast. i wish i could slow things down and take our time, but how???? and what benefit would that provide???

 

thank you, silverhalo. yes, she just started seeing a therapist. i know it will be helpful for her. her first session already was. i just wonder if my feeling sorry for her and being worried about her is holding me back from truly being on my own. i'm starting to think it is. i need time to process and be on my own because i'm feeling trapped; i need to be alone and away from everything...otherwise we're continuing life as normal.