Sorry if this is long, but I just need to get this off my chest. I've recently started questioning literally everything, and by everything I mean sexual orientation AND gender (which I will put in a separate thread in the gender forum). I am also in a relationship with a (much older) guy who also happens to be famed and revered in my particular circle of friends/subculture. I currently call myself bisexual because I'm mainly attracted to women, but I'm dating this guy. On the surface, it looks like I'm dating this guy and calling myself bisexual because I genuinely love him and am attracted to him. And I thought I loved him as well, but him and I have been together for a pathetic one month (but him and I have been close friends for over a year now) and I'm already questioning whether I'm really bisexual, and am actually starting to think I'm actually a lesbian after all. There are a few reasons behind this: He's pretty much famous in my subculture! Who'd pass up an opportunity to date someone famous?! He's my ticket out of a bad place. I'm set to marry him in a few months, and by marrying him I may just get to leave the country and leave this dead-end town behind. He's the one who fell in love with me first and I'm only going along with it because I don't want to hurt his feelings and ruin our friendship. I don't feel any attraction (sexual or romantic, although I do experience aesthetic and platonic attraction) to men except for him. Building onto the last reason, I have a hard time saying no to people, especially someone like him. I live for adventure and excitement, which this relationship is most certainly giving me! I'm more excited for the adventure this new relationship holds rather than dating a guy. In other words, I'm not excited because a man is in love with me, rather, I'm excited because the relationship is giving me an opportunity for novelty and the chance to say I've done it. I mean, living in a new country, with a famous person?! Hello, I'm not passing this up! I am effectively one-upping those who have crushes on famous people lol Given these reasons, I don't think I'm genuinely attracted to him. In fact, I don't think I'm genuinely attracted to men in general. I have, however, felt genuine attraction to women (famous or otherwise). I think I'm only compatible with men in terms of friendship instead of relationships. If it weren't for him I think I would be in a happy relationship with a woman right now. I consider this guy more my best friend (with benefits, may I add) than my boyfriend. However, I do want to do romantic things with him. I often think about going on dates with him, cuddling him, kissing him, the works. Being with him sexually never crosses my mind unless he brings it up. And even then, I cannot become aroused by these sexual thoughts and instead it just feels weird. I can only become aroused when kink is involved (not going into detail about that, just leaving it at that). With women that's just not the case, and I can become aroused with or without the kinks and the idea of sex with a woman feels much better to me. I'm seriously confused at the moment. I wonder whether I'm genuinely bisexual and I just haven't found the right guy or if I'm actually a lesbian dealing with compulsory heterosexuality. And if I am indeed a lesbian, I'm wondering how exactly I can break it to him, because he is head over heels in love with me and it would hurt me if I broke his heart. Any advice?
I should probably keep my opinions to myself but what first struck me was that you’ve been dating this guy for a month which you like but aren’t really sexually attracted to and you are getting married because he’s famous and you can move to another country. Are you mad! Do you really think the relationship is going to last? I thought people get married to show their commitment and love for someone that they want to spend the rest of their life with? I think you should be thinking about these future life choices more than your sexuality.
Right, reading my post again it does sound pretty bad and maybe I sound like a bit of a jerk lol I do wonder if I should give the relationship time (him and I are finally meeting around Christmas), like maybe I haven't given him a chance yet and I may eventually develop feelings for him over time. He really wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I understand that, but the idea of it makes me feel trapped.
I don’t think you sound like a jerk just that you shouldn’t rush into anything. Marriage is a serious commitment. Do you not see him much? Not sure if I’ve mis understood but are you not living together etc
Nah, him and I aren't living together. It's an open long distance relationship (as in, I'm in the States, he's in the UK); i.e. he's allowing me to date and otherwise be involved with women (in fact he actively encourages it), and I'm a little afraid to break his heart if I fall for the girl and want to spend the rest of my life with her rather than him because I care about him and he's one of my closest friends.
As he’s encouraged you to explore this side of you then I would as it might help you figure out your sexuality. Have you discussed if the relationship will still be open if and when you are married? I know everyone is different but if he wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you then why is he encouraging you to be with women? Is he seeing other people too? Is he bi?
I'm definitely taking full advantage of him encouraging me to date a girl, I've been using dating sites and apps such as Her with not much luck lol Him and I haven't discussed if the relationship will still be open if/when I get married; between him working much of the time and my depression and phone from hell (had it for two years and I'm 100% sure it's on its last legs) we haven't really had time to talk even though we always say we'll talk "tomorrow" (which never happens). He's admitted to me he's "a bit bi", but I'm not sure if he's seeing other people as well, perhaps I should tell him he should see someone else as well to sort of "make it even".
You will break his heart but not because of your attraction towards women but because you obviously don't love him nor fancy him and aren't being honest with him. You say he is your best friend, yet you don't seem to be able to be honest with him and only refer to him as your "ticket out of the country" and a guy you date because he is "semi-famous" and he likes you. Regardless of your attraction towards women you should break up with this guy as you really don't seem to be in this relationship for the right reasons and you definitely shouldn't marry him. Marrying someone is supposed to be a commitment based on a real will to share your life with someone you love not a free ticket for a visa to the UK. You live in the US, which despite all its issues offers quite a wide range of diversity landscape-wise and lifestyle-wise. There are many LGBT friendly cities in the US where you could build a life if you are unhappy in the town you live in. The UK probably won't be what you imagine nor is it likely to offer you what you hope for, especially in the current climate and post-brexit. I think you should focus on what you want/what you are looking for in life and how to achieve it (ideally without getting married to people you don't love) and work towards your goals. It's okay to want to get out of a small town and live a more exciting life but you really don't need to marry someone you don't love for that.
I don't think you sound like a jerk I think you just want this guy to be the answer to all of your problems and unfortunately I don't think he will be. I'm not saying people can grow to love people but I really don't think your feelings are going to change that much. I totally agree with Lia444 make sure you don't rush into anything if marrying him doesn't feel right you cannot even contemplate it. If saying no to him now feels bad then imagine what the conversation will be like in years to come.
It doesn’t sound much like a relationship to me. I obviously don’t know him and can only go on what you’ve posted but it just seems odd to me. Please don’t take this the wrong way but could he be encouraging you to date girls because he wants to date guys and you can sort of be his cover so he is basically using you. How famous is he?
Not very famous, but his band (which has been around since the 1990s) has quite a lot of fans (me included lol) and he played on their first album. They're not really mainstream by any means, they're a classic indie rock band, but in the subculture I'm in they're among the greatest in the genre.
I can relate to much of this post, and definitely empathise with your dilemma. The lack of sexual desire is one thing (especially if he is aware of this and fine with you looking elsewhere for gratification in that area) but the possibility that you are unable to fall in love with someone you are planning on settling down with is not really tenable. You stated near the end of the post that you think you haven't found the right guy, so whether you are a lesbian or not, it seems where this relationship is concerned, you have already answered your own question. That being said, calling time on a committed romantic relationship doesn't have to be the end of the relationship in general. If you are both keen on seeing other people you could still maintain a special friendship (with still some benefits attached). O/T but I think I can guess the subculture based on your username (I'm a big fan too!) - so I doubly feel your pain!!!
Right, thanks everyone so much for the responses! I've talked the situation over with a few close friends of mine, and they all think that this relationship isn't going to be a good one for me and that I should just break it off with him and just be his best friend. Honestly there were a few red flags and I don't know how I didn't see them but I have, as one friend put it, "woken up" and I see now that I may have been entering a relationship that wasn't going to be healthy for him and me. So I've decided that I'll talk to him about everything, hopefully he won't be too upset, but considering he's madly in love with me I'm sure there's going to be more than a little bit of heartbreak on his part (and mine, since I care for him and would hate to see him so upset). In the midst of all this, I've also come to realise I am indeed a lesbian. I'd much rather be in a relationship with a woman than a man, it just feels better and more natural to me. (This is also why I'm breaking it off with him.)
So I just told him all about everything, and he handled it so much better than I thought he would, and he was so sweet and understanding about it that I literally just cried reading his message (I'm such a sappy person lol) I'm really happy that I have a friend like him, I don't know what I did to deserve someone so caring
