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Erg

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by stretching, Jun 16, 2017.

  1. stretching

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    I know I'm gay. But I'm so completely stuck in my heteronormative life. I know there are so many people here who have managed to break free and are being true to themselves. And I'm so proud of you all and happy for you. But I am not there. And I know there are others like me who feel trapped and stuck. I know we're not alone, but it sure feels that way sometimes. And the feeling seems to get worse, not better, as self realization and self acceptance increase
     
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  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey stretching,
    Breaking free of living behind the mask can be extremely challenging. It becomes relatively comfortable over time and change is often disconcerting to many people. However, as you know, that mask is a lie, so after you come to understand and accept your sexuality, the mask becomes more and more burdensome.It is definitely a dilemma that many of us face.

    I would ask you to look more deeply and more pragmatically at your life to identify as specifically as possible for yourself why you are feeling trapped. What aspects of your life are purely false as a result of the mask? What aspects of your life are the true you and won't change at all if the mask comes off? And what aspects of your life would only require some modification if the mask comes off? And what is it that you truly fear about dropping those aspects that should naturally fall away when the mask comes off?

    I don't know if that helps...
     
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  3. OnTheHighway

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    Nothing ever forms in a straight line, and working through our sexuality is no exception. Even those that have made tremendous progress will find set backs over time along with progress. From a personal experience, I know this to be true. Just this past few days, I have had both shame and internalized homophobia creep up on me. I always have said the best we can do is learn to manage shame and internalized homophobia, and when they came about that's exactly what I did.

    After so many years living behind an emotional wall, not being true to ourselves, raising our defenses from heteronormative and homophobic messaging, it should not come as a surprise that there is much we need to learn about ourselves as we embrace our sexuality and whom we are - yet, it always seems to be a surprise. So as you progress on your journey, try and keep an open mind, be patient with yourself, recognize there will be ups and downs, yet maintain the conviction and courage to push forward.

    Your living your life, you have one shot at it, make the most of it by being the person your supposed to be and becoming your authentic self!
     
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  4. stretching

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    My marriage to a man is false as a result of living with the mask. Before my marriage I was predominantly with men but felt the freedom to be with women too. Now that I’m married (for the past 16years!!) I feel like I don’t have that freedom anymore. We have children so I feel very responsible for them. We live in a tiny and remote town. I feel like just walking away from my life, but how can I actually do that? So, here I am, the years are passing, and nothing is changing. Except i did tell my husband that I am not interested in sex anymore - i said I think I’m asexual (so, he’s not thrilled about that). I Know that life is short and that there is only one life to live. But is my authenticity worth messing up this little family? I don’t know
     
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  5. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Stretching,
    Wearing a mask, and stories that are similar to yours are not uncommon here. Know, at least, that you are in good company. It seems as if you know what is not working for you. And where you would like to be. But getting to that is a whole different ballgame. I think it is important to keep asking yourself questions like the one you have asked above, 'is my authenticity worth messing up this little family?' And consider what exactly you would be 'messing up'. There is a pull we have to staying in the status quo. It is 'easy', it is familiar, it is known. Even though I knew my marriage was long dead I STILL tried to hang onto it for a bit--after all it was KNOWN at least. Of course there are the practical questions to ask yourself too. Are you financially independent? Do you have friends and family for support? Do you see a healthy co-parenting relationship with your husband as a real possibility?

    There is a lot to consider for sure. It is hard though to live a 'false marriage' and to live an inauthentic life. Emotionally draining for sure. I think in time, and in asking yourself important questions, you will know which direction you should go. I hope visitng EC helps too.
     
  6. SweetSoulJulia

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    You're definitely not alone. I'm basically in the same boat but it seems I have a different perspective than many. While I've known of my bisexuality since my early 20's and I'm "out" to those who knew me when I lived in the city (before marriage), it's only in the last several years that I've fully awakened to my sexuality. This is in part because I fell in love with another married woman (platonic to date but dream!). Anyway, I'm married for 10+ years and have two youngish children. My life is good. My marriage works. It's not sexually satisfying and sometimes that is hard, I won't lie. My kids are happy. We have a good family life. I just can't pull this family apart at this time because of my sexuality. I mean, if my relationship with J evolved over time into a romantic relationship (and she is the ONLY one I would explore on the side with, I am not pursuing side affairs with women), I would have to re-evaluate the situation. If my kids were older (maybe in HS) and I felt everyone could cope well-enough, I would consider making the big jump. This is just me, though. I just feel that my life works for all of us at this time. I have made a conscious choice to delay physical gratification for my children. Like I said, our family life is good! I don't see the rush into making such a drastic change because I'm more lesbian than I realized. My husband has a clue and I did tell him before we got married that I had an attraction to women. He just doesn't know the extent.

    Oh well. I'm sorry to ramble! I guess my point/recommendation is to take a deep breath and take time to figure out what is best for YOU. I understand how you feel. Sometimes when I read about other posters breaking free from their marriages and moving on to dating, I feel a slight pang of jealousy. It is a reminder, however, that I stand strong in my decision and my values.

    Hope this helps?
     
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