Two questions in one: 1) Demisexuality and dating 2) Demisexuality and marriage

How do you date as a demisexual? Very carefully!

... OK, that's kind of a lame joke. I suppose the longer version is that it's a combination of honesty, being careful, but also being willing to push your own comfort zone just a little.

Or at least that's what it was like for me. I dislike the label "demisexual", as I don't think it's useful much in daily life. But I will only develop feelings for people I am alfready friends with. And I will only be willing to sleep with people once there is trust and exclusivity.
Not that I don't have acquaintances who are hot and friendly and totally my type, but if any of them would offer me a wild night, no strings attached, I'd turn them down in a heartbeat. Just not how attraction and affection work for me.

So how did I find a boyfriend? It did start by honesty. Got talking to a guy, kept hanging out with the guy, established that mutual interest was a thing, and decided to actually move to dating. But always being clear that I'm slow to be comfortable with the next step. That I wanted to move further alright, but that I also had to be comfortable with the next step before taking it.

Above all, I never focused on what I didn't want. Nothing is less attractive than a list of stuff that is prohibited. If you're not comfortable with something, you're not comfortable with it, but you don't need to give an hour long expansion on all the reasons you're not. That only drives people away. Focus on what you DO want to do together!
No, I didn't want sex just yet. But how about we add an extra date tomorrow to hang out more?


On the other side of the coin, you SHOULD be willing to go somewhat out of your comfort zone. Attraction is always a bit weird. There is no omen or heavenly chorus that will sound and tell you that you are now fully ready. You'll be nervous and wondering whether you're doing the right thing whether you wait for three dates or three years. I know what I'm talking about here, because I DID wait for three years and was still a nervous wreck before sleeping in the same bed xD

So do be willing to try a step further if everything is going well. Doesn't have to be from holding hands to full sex in one night. But there's a ton to try out in between those two. Which will keep you both invested. And will sometimes clarify things more than endless self-analysis.


Some prospective dates might not like this. Some might see it as a dealbreaker. But in the end, it's not as if it's any different from other reasons that might come up in the course of dating.

As for the part on marriage... I'm not sure I can help you there. My boyfriend and I agreed early on that marriage was on the table. But not for now. It was just never really an issue. But maybe others have other insights!

 

By honesty, and finding people who feel the same. It may seem hard to find, but how do you know if you don't try?

 

I too wonder about this, but I'm also demiromantic and polyam so I'm kind of in an odder situation than either of you. Not to mention being too shy to even think about talking to a girl I'm attracted to...ugh.

 

Honestly, I think another problem is that online dating is more hypersexualized and rushed. I online date more frequently than IRL,and I've had bad experiences with it.