I need help, please.

To star you must know that I had an extensive period of my childhood dedicated to keeping me alive. I was born with a rare combination of crazy defects and diseases that keep me sheltered and pamperd. In short I was the tur-duck-en of genetic disease. As life would have it I came out of the 11 year ordeal with not only a new liver, but some good old fashioned PTSD, set back cognitive/behavioral setbacks, and f@#ing depression to boot.
That brings us to today 7 years later, I found out that I don't completely fit with either gender but view my self more feminine than masculine (hense the woman bit). I have not enjoyed having a deeper voice, penis, chest hair, the whole 9 yards. I noticed that for the last year I have been masterbating more than I probably should (2-3 times a week at the least, 9-11 max) I managed to some how convince myself that I was slowing my male puberty but it probably has worse consequences than that. I also use it as an escape from reality because of the depression (cause that's healthy). I seriously want to stop and to have been a perfectly healthy woman from the get-go but wishes don't work in hindsight. All through out middle school I was known as "that one kid who had the transplant." And I don't want to complain to my parents that something else is wrong, especially to my dad who thinks I could just burry the sadness. I just want to be me but I'm tired of having a spotlight on me. I don't want to leave it alone. even though, in a desperate hope, I can some days convince my self I'm "normal" so I don't have to deal with the pain.But thankfully I don't want to kill myself, even though I have considered it, as it would feal like a "F#%& you" to the people who dedicated days and months to save me.
What do you think?

 

It is good to know I am not alone. I hit a record low last week and am still recovering from that, so this helps. Thanks

 

I'm still going over the evidence because I hate missing information, so let's make a list.
1. I feal joy acting more feminine.
2. I don't like it when people bring up my male characteristics(deep voice, hair).
3. I have more female friends than male friends because I feel more connected.
4.( I have never told anyone this) I have always wanted breasts, age 6-now.
5. I love my hair long.
6. I am a secret admirer of fashion.
7. I enjoy being called a girl but am slightly put off because of my past of being stared at keeps me from doing much out of the ordinary.
8. I can't get in to sports, watching or playing, I will play football and stuff at camp because it is more team building than anything, but nowhere else.
9. I hate uncontrollable erections and 60% of controlled ones.
10. I feal a sense of jealousy and sadness when I see hot women.
10.5: screw having body hair everywhere.