Confused and looking for advice/support

Hey everyone!

I'm a woman in my early 20s, and I'm still coming to terms with my sexuality. I have never been in a relationship, but I have definitely been attracted to both men and women. I think I'm bisexual, but I find this label really difficult to identify with. I know that many of you would disagree with me, but it feels like I do not have a place in the LGBT community. I don't know how to come out to anyone because I feel like there is stigma against bi people from both sides (gay and straight). I struggle to balance feeling attracted to women vs. attracted to men. Why can't I just pick one and forget about the other? I feel stuck between two groups, and thus not a part of either group.

And then there's the issue of whether or not I should come out. Sometimes I feel like why even bother coming out? I am a very private person, and part of me feels like it would be better to not say anything because then if I end up with a man, no one has to know that I'm not straight. It would probably be easier that way. But, at the same time, this idea feels really bad to me. I follow gay news, search for gay events (though don't actually go), envy gay couples I pass on the street... I feel like I am constantly hiding a huge piece of myself. And the bizarre thing is I'm not even sure why it's so hard for me to tell people about this! My family is very liberal and open-minded. I went to a women's college. I have a few LGBT friends, numerous LGBT contacts. I'm extremely lucky. It should not feel so hard! And yet it does. I am not good at sharing my feelings in general so maybe that's why.

But the longer I keep this to myself, the worse I feel. It's very lonely I guess. I read the same 5 or so books with gay protagonists (and happy endings!) over and over again because the characters get the resolution that I never allow myself in real life. It's kind of pathetic. I am just so tired of having no one to connect with. Imagine four years at a women's college without coming out! If I can't in that environment, then when? I am tired of seeing cute girls but feeling like I can't approach them, or don't deserve to approach them. I am tired of not liking things on Facebook because they might make people suspect. I am tired of watching Pride pass each year without going. I am really tired of always being afraid.

So I'm looking for advice. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you have any strategies for making it easier to come out? Any support would be greatly appreciated. I have never talked to anyone about this before so please go easy on me.

Thanks in advance

 

Hey take a deep breath it's going to be ok.

My story has similarities to yours, I was in my mid 20's when I questioned my sexuality although I had never really had attraction to guys so I'm not sure what took me so long. My family are also very liberal and accepting as were my friends but telling them was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I obviously identify as gay and not bi so I don't have the same dilemmas that you do with that. I think it's such a shame that people have prejudice against bi people, especially gays who know what it's like not to be accepted and that nobody can chose their orientation.
I think maybe you should break it down into smaller steps. The thought of the whole coming out process and telling people as a whole can seem like such a huge mountain that you will never be able to climb but if you split it up into little steps sometimes things can seem easier. So maybe just pick one person to confide in, if you were going to picks do you know who you would chose? Do you have someone in mind?

 

I'm a 26 year old female whose in a 3 year long distance relationship with a man I see him maybe 3-4 days a month. I've always felt that something was off a little with our relationship Im a quiet person and don't like to be the center of attention but today I felt like I was going to go crazy so I told my mom that I was probably a lesbian or bisexual because honestly in still a little confused. I love my boyfriend and he's amazing a sweet but I feel guilty because to be honest I don't really care abut sex with him all that much and in the back of my mind I'm stressed because sometimes when he touches me I feel slightly disgusted. I also see things on social media and want to comment or say somthhbf but I don't because s lot of my family members are my friends on many different sites. I feel like s weight has been lifted off of me by telling my mom and her not caring at all but I'm still scared because I don't know what "label" to call miself and I'm scared if I should break up with my boyfriend.

 

Hey welcome to EC. It's a tough situation. I'm glad your mum reacted well and that you feel better for having told her. Labels really aren't that important, you don't have to label yourself anything but if you want one and don't like bi or gay then you can go for not straight or queer or questioning or curious or anything really. Whatever you feel best describes how you feel in yourself. As for your boyfriend, nobody can really tell you what to do but just make sure you are honest with your feelings to yourself.

 

Thanks for input I needed someone else's view idk I think I'm just screed of the entire situation in general and I told my mom first because I know the kind of person she is and I really felt that it would go well but telling everyone else gives anxiety

 

i don't see why it's such a big deal. it's not like "coming out" will even be a thing in 60 years. if you still make a big deal out of what you're into sexually, you're only regressing. which is the exact opposite of what the gay community fought for when it was illegal to have same sex relations.

 

Yeah I guess you're right but to be honest I don't feel like I do because I may or may not be gay but more so the fact if telling my family and maybe breaking up with my boyfriend

 

Well I'm more than happy to discuss it with you. When I was first questioning my sexuality I couldn't imagine ever telling anyone. Try not to think of it all as a whole because if you do it just seems overwhelming. You've told your mum that is a great first step, you don't have to tell anyone else unless you want to. Are your friends generally supportive of LGBT things? Do you have any LGBT friends?

 

Hey I'm not sure on your intentions for this post I'm going to assume that you were trying to help the poster as his is a support forum but I don't think you should belittle the things that people are struggling with, even if in your mind it's nothing to them it is difficult. Sure it would be nice for coming out to not be a thing and in years to come I'm sure as you say it won't be but to people now it is big and homophobia is still around wherever you live so people's fears are real.

 

No I don't have any LGBT friends and I'm one of those people who don't have s lot of friends but I have a friend who I've known since third grade and sometimes I'm not sure how she would react

 

Ok well you don't have to come out to her straight away, you will know when the time is right. Have you looked to see if there are any LGBT meet up or support groups in your area?

 

No because I've always been too scared or somthing but I'm starting to want someone to talk to about this more so I'm probably just starting to find LGBT people

 

the only place where it's bad is the middle east. which is what we should be focusing on instead of everything else. everything else is just minor inconvenience.

 

The Middle East is bad sure, there are also parts of Africa where it's punishable by death but even in the U.K. Where it's generally good there is homophobia. I am completely out and have a girlfriend so I am by no means hiding. I'm not saying your opinions are wrong merely that I'm not sure your post was helpful to someone who is currently struggling and looking to EC for help with what they are going through.

 

k. believe what you want to. we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

Well whenever you feel you are ready. You could always look into it to see what is available so that when you feel you are ready you know where to go etc. EC is a great place to start chatting to people. Everyone is friendly and usually happy to talk about their experiences and stories. Everyone is at different stages of their journey. Feel free to ask questions if you have any.

What would you say is your biggest concern?

 

Thanks and my biggest concern is jusy that people will look st me different. Also if at some point I do end up dating a women that kind of scares me in a way because I actually never thought I would come out to anyone lol I was content to just be deep in the closet forever but I couldn't take it anymore

 

Hey, it might be better for you to make your own thread. It would be easier to help you that way.

 

Do you like the idea of dating a woman? Just take it one step at a time. I don't think most people will look at you differently unless you live somewhere conservative. I understand your concerns though. The thing is you have to think that about the positives of coming out too, feeling free to be yourself
Etc.

 

Thank