Is it possible to grow up not knowing? Is it possible to just get too obsessed and overthink and just convince yourself you're a guy? I feel like i was the most myself as a little kid. I liked space and dinosaurs and playing outside (until i discovered video games and anime, that is) and animals. I hated being forced into a dress every Sunday for church when mom started going. I never felt like i belonged around other girls and when, on a very rare occasion, i would do my hair up all nice and put on what i thought was a well coordinated outfit with jewelry to match (like every normal girl seems to do on the daily)...it didn't feel like me. It felt like i was pretending and if i didn't stress myself out constantly checking myself they'd find me out. And it wasn't like put on a dress and do makeup, i don't even know how to do makeup. It was just a nice pair of pants, a blouse, matching jewelry, and an extra hair product or two. If that makes any sense. I wasn't even doing it cause i wanted to, i just wanted to feel happy and confident and thought that was how i was supposed to do it. I've never admitted this save on here, but growing up i would periodically have bottom dysphoria but i always wrote it off as normal curiosity and, if anything, thought i was being weird, wrong, etc. I always hated my name. I always had a baseline of having no confidence, never feeling comfortable and at ease, etc. Within this past year I've noticed, especially after labelling myself as bigender and picked out a new name for myself, that that being called my birth name feels odd, eventually i noticed the same with female pronouns. I truly can't pin it down as anything other than 'odd'. Someone mistakenly called me "Sir" the other day and i felt totally fine with that. Until they corrected themselves and said "Ma'am". So, i'll ask again...Is it possible to grow up not knowing? Is it possible to just get too obsessed and overthink and just convince yourself you're a guy? Today i was really happy thinking i finally found a label i like. I'm never confident and comfortable but today i was, at work. And looking at men's/boys clothes i wanna buy and buying travel sized men's hygiene products to try make me really happy and excited. The idea of buying a binder just to try it keeps popping in my head, despite my excuses not to get one. Just to try. Is it possible that this is all in my head? That i'm just making something out of nothing? My mom went through a lot she never sought therapy or counseling for, she just...grew into a bad mom. Emotionally and verbally abusive and very controlling. You could not so much as disagree with her opinion about a topic the news was talking about, she would argue defensively with increasing volume to you about it. So i grew up in survival mode, just keeping my head down and not believing i should have an opinion, that of course she was right. So i never got to really explore and find myself, much less question myself. Sorry i feel like i'm clogging up the forum i don't wanna be a bother. But out of the two forums i'm on, i trust you guys will best be able to help me. I just need either reassurance or to get some sense knocked in me, one or the other idk which.
To me, it doesn't sound like you're making something out of nothing. It seems like there's definitely something there, though I can't tell you whether you're trans or not. It's definitely possible to grow up not knowing, I didn't. I didn't even know that it was something a person could be until a couple of years ago. I know that the typical narrative is for people to know since they're really young and to have always had noticeable dysphoria, but that's not the case for a lot of people. A lot of what you're saying is pretty similar to what I went through when I first started figuring it out. That doesn't mean that you're trans because everyone has a different experience, but I don't think you're being silly by thinking that you might be. It's not an easy thing to figure out, and it's ok if it takes time.
Thanks, its great hearing that somebody else didn't always know. That's why i'm using the term transmasculine, i got it from another member here. I don't remember his name just his profile pic, but he said that the general definition of transmasculine is that you mostly feel like a guy with a bit of a feminine side too which for me instantly resonated with me. I've never related to girls and wanted to be like the other girls, i always related more to guys and the people i looked up to and wanted to be like were guys. But then i was like nah that can't be, if that were the case i'd have always known.
Yeah, that makes sense. It was the same thing with me, growing up the role models I picked were pretty much all male. It sometimes takes a really long time to piece everything together. Transmasculine seems like it would make sense for you.
I didn't always know either. I can't pin down the moment when I realised, because it was very gradual. 14 was when I first had that sort of thoughts. Controlling mom... yeah, me too.
Thanks for replying guys. Note that i'm replying half awake, so bear with me if i make absolutely no sense. Haha i must have a knack for not knowing myself, at this point. I did this same thing with my sexuality. Totally unaware, noticed signs, and reasoned them away. I don't remember how old i was when i noticed the signs. Probably middle school if i had to guess, but idk tbh. Like i said above, its great to hear from people who didn't always know. I do have a question though. A very important question. If i order a binder to try from amazon, what will the packaging look like? Will it be shipped as Underworks or Amazon? If i'm like at work and mom has to leave it on the counter or the steps, and someone reads the package label to make sure its not for them, will there be anything on it to say that its from underworks and that its a binder? I plan to order it so it will arrive when i have two days off, but you never know. I ordered a set of dvds from them and they arrived on time, but that is the only order that i have bought from them. The shirt i wanted to test amazon shippping some more is out of stock. This is just something i want to try cause the idea of buying one to try keeps coming back to me, and honestly it bothers that shirts from my favorite sections don't fit me like i want them to. This is a really loaded question cause literally if mom finds out i will get kicked out never mind that there is a 50/50 chance if i told dad he would not care. And if i get kicked out idk if i could take that. I've literally plotted my death as an escape option just in case for years since i nearly got kicked out last time over something as dumb as being enrolled in school versus wanting mental help. Edit - this is the binder i have saved. https://www.amazon.com/Underworks-E...270&sr=8-2&keywords=underworks+ftm&th=1&psc=1 I saved it ages ago. Probably picked it cause i've heard the full length ones can roll up and i imagine with me getting hot easy, a half length will be easier to wear. I've heard underworks recommended a lot and this one was rated good, probably why i saved it. But honeslty i'm open to any good brand name binder, idk what i'm doing lol. I'm like a B and a half cup aka like 34 inch chest so i'm not that big to begin with, if that matters at all. Regardless of how i turn out to view wearing one, i just wanna try it. I need to try it, at this point.
I only truly realized when I was 34 or so. It is important to understand that since we are born, every action, every word people say to us is influenced by the gender they perceive us as. This creates a huge amount of pressure to conform to the expectations of those around us and many of us ultimately convince ourselves that they can't be wrong and we are the gender assigned to us at birth. Another thing to consider is that we don't know how other people experience the world. Everyone around us might be experiencing the world in the same way we do and as children we assume that they do. Only once the posdibility that we are trans comes up do the pieces really fall into place and we suddenly realize that moat people feel at home in their body, they see it clearly in the mirror, they don't feel as if they are wearing a mask and the same numbness, pain and disconnect that we have felt throughout our lives. I've read your exact story so many times before when other trans people have expressed similar doubts,fears and insecurities. It takes time to come to terms with who you are and the doubts often persist deep into ttansotioning, even after you've taken substantional steps towards transitioning. It's normal to feel them and it often shows a healthy process of introspection and self reflection. Being obssessed about something that is important to you and has meaning is natural and is importsnt to give you the drive needed to bypass your inhibitions and the pressures of society to conform and take steps forward towards transitioning. This type of obsession is very different from obsessions caused by OCD. Obsessions become a mental disorder when they are built on anxieties and fears, believing irrationally that something awful will happen to you if you don't act on the obsessions and having a panic attack if you aren't able to take that action. It is often based on keeping strict repetitive routines and rigid thinking. In the case of trans people the fears and anxieties that we feel are rational and often work against our desire to transition, We fear the social exclusion coming out and accepting that we are trans might bring. We fear loding our families, jobs and the medical procedures we will have to go through. We fear abuse by others in society and homelessness. That's why doubts are so prevelant while transitioning. When the cost is so high, how can you not feel some doubt that you are making the right decision. We often rely on faith to move forward, a belief that once everything we be over things will settle down and we will be happy. It does help to know that we aren't alone, that others have completed the journey and have found hapiness, however, ultimately, we are those that have to take the steps forward, to feel the piercing pain of rejection, to cope with thr uncertainty of how HRT will treat us and how the world will react. This is our journey and our lives and its up to you to decide how far you are willing to go for a chance at happiness. Love and hugs, Eveline
Wow thank you so much Eveline! I don't have words, really. You explained it so well. And i haven't had my caffeine yet so i can't properly express how much this means to me. This is just as meaningful as the user who told me what transmasculine was and the conversation from the other day in which i finally discovered why dressing up and trying to feel confident as a girl never went well and why i avoided it and never really wanted to try it, despite making myself do it from time to time. Idk how far i'm going to be taking this transition, right now i'm just feeling it out. I bought travel sizes in men's shampoo/etc and used that today, and it made me really happy to get to do that. I've been making a notepad app list of all the outfits and accessories I've wanted to try but never had the opportunity to try, and looking for them online. Casual outfit styles, mostly. A bunch of saved outfits from pinterest. Growing up, I wanted to go through an emo/nerd/gamer teenage boy clothes/accessories phase but mom wouldn't shop anywhere other than Walmart and wasn't willing to take me anywhere. But now i can just buy the stuff myself, so i will. Trying stuff on and getting to wear what i like will be hard though. My is very transphobic and homophobic. But i can't just wait until i get my degree and can afford to move out. Not anymore. I think ignoring this part of me is one reason why i grew up feeling so badly.
Identical situation. If you wanna write to me about your mother, I'm willing to listen, I know how it feels. My relationship with her is so ruined that sometimes I wonder if I really love her or just pretend to have affection because it's expected from sons/daughters. I have a lot of psychological issues due to my familiar past. Oh yes, at first beings trans seems a solution bigger than the problem. *sad laugh* And I have this fear too: that I'll want more and more and never be really happy because sex can't be turned to the other CIS one. Sometimes you want to close your eyes, wake up, find out it's a dream and you're "normal", whatever kind of normal. Yep, she has the Magical Power of turning deep psychological knowledge into words. ;-) -- Good luck with your truth-revealing journey. Buy that blessed binder, may that go unnoticed by your mother and may you feel handsome in it. Or beautiful. Or cool. Or all of these together.
