I think this is the right place for this post. Does anyone have any advice on how to avoid being coerced or intimidated when you've been taught to and instinctively cower at the slightest intimidation or threat? Especially with someone of a power position? Most of the sexual abuse and assault incidents I've had were because I let it happen because from the slightest intimidation, I give in to not cause more problems, therefore in the wrong hands I made myself a sitting target. I'm asking because, for working on my PTSD, I'm trying to come up with safety plans and things to not make people think I'm a target. The experiences made me feel all sense of any rights I had or any confidence or self worth or dignity were crashed, and I not only appear weak and hopeless, it obviously shows. In my healing, my therapist said I need to regain my sense of my patient rights and basic rights and gain confidence to say no and be stronger to not be swayed by the slightest intimidating tone from an authority figure in a place I have no choice but to let them do what they want and I can't get away. (I don't mean figuritively, I mean in the hospital where I could not leave and these people were well aware of that.) So I was wondering if anyone had any tips for not being easily intimidated and coerced in a power dynamic when you've been a doormat most of your life?
PS, I apologize for my grammar, I'm sure there are a ton of errors, but I just wanted to get that out there. Please forgive me, I hate terrible grammar as well
I can relate to your post a lot. Although I just want to say that any abuse that the victim/survivor has gone through was not their fault nor did they 'let it happen'. All fault & blame goes to the perpetrator, never to the person abused no matter the circumstances. As for not being a 'doormat', I'm learning that too, I've been raped & also in a relationship with a man (before I told everyone I was gay), he was abusive & the power dynamic was all wrong & I was easily intimidated/used/abused, I still am intimidated easily & easily scared & not very assertive but not as much now so I'll share with you what I've learnt so far. I'd start with learning to more assertive in your everyday life, just saying 'no' to the simple things, like if someone offers you a coffee & you don't want it, you don't have to say yes, you can say no. The same goes for more difficult things like a night out or a party or a date or more serious things like a dangerous situation or one where you feel uncomfortable. I say start with something small because you get used to having your own voice, opinions & options. I found this book very helpful: A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You I also think a big thing is to start setting a higher expectation on how you want to be treated. You deserve to be respected, cared for, safe, thought of & loved. If you have a higher expectation of how you want to be treated you, in turn, will not accept less, you will gain self-respect & others will respect you for it. For example, if your expectation of how you're going to be treated is 'I am not worth respect or safety', when you are in a situation that isn't respectful or safe, you'll accept it as it is & not say 'no' or walk away. Where as if your expectation is 'I am worth respect & safety', if you're in the that same unrespectful, unsafe situation you won't accept it, you will walk away because you understand & know you deserve better. P.S - I couldn't reply to your message on my profile as your profile isn't viewable to members, I also couldn't PM you because it says 'You cannot PM DirectionNorth', I don't know why. Maybe it's something in the settings but I just wanted you to know that I'm not ignoring you & thank you for the welcome!
Hi, and I keep forgetting my settings are set that way, I'm sorry! And about the pm's, only full mrmbers can pm people (I can't pm anyone either), but for the wall posts, I have it so that only friends/followers can see it. But thank you for letting me know! And I'm starting to (awkwardly, but surely)assert I need female doctors/nurses or if it's a male doctor there has to be a female chaperone present at all times. It still feels awkward and is hard to do, especially when I try my best to hint at why by saying I have ptsd from past experiences with male doctors and nurses and they don't get it, making me have to say it plain as day. But some have picked up on it right away when I hinted. And certainly my lack of self-worth gets in the way of feeling I have a right to... my rights. I am not at all saying others who experience this let it happen at all, I'm just saying for me, especially when there are so many incidents (4)with medical professionals (not to mention everything on the streets) who have ethics and rules, but cross those boundaries without a second thought, it has to be something I'm giving off and something that makes so many people target me. And because I not only in a way froze, but submitted because they became intimidating or coercive. But I do see what you're saying, it's just no therapist has been able to help me get any self-worth back, and I don't know why it's so hard to believe (in my case) that it's not my fault, because of how much it seems to keep happening. I can't get over the guilt that I must deserve it. But I believe my next order of business is gaining more confidence, self-respect, boundaries in some way to give off a different air ay least. And continue with asserting I need female doctors, etc. And I'll check that book out also.
And, I hope this doesn't come off as superficial, I truly am sorry you had to experience that, both the rape and abuse. Not only are the incidents terrible in itself, the after-effects are literal hell to try to get through. You sound in alot better place than I am and alot stronger; I still feel defeated/broken, and can't seem to get myself back together, even with some therapists help (attempt to help- they admitted they didn't know how to deal with victims, and even admitted some things they were saying and insinuating were wrong after they consulted either their colleagues or network of people.)
Wow, that's a huge step forward - asking that you needed a female doctor at least present - That's amazing & you should be proud of yourself! I wonder if at the times you are unable to say you need a female doctor or chaperone, you could have some sort of note or card ready to give to someone? Almost like a little business card just saying 'I need someone female in the room with me/I would prefer a female doctor' you could mention why if you feel you need to or you could just say something like '...because I have had traumatic experiences in the past that are triggered by a male doctor examining me'? Obviously, it's great if you can say it out loud but in those times you can't at least you'd have something with you that could make you more comfortable & less triggered or upset. I have had the same feelings as you. That it must be my fault because it keeps happening, or that I'm a target, or that I give off a vibe. I'll tell you something my most recent therapist said to me, maybe it'll help you. "Imagine there's a girl, she goes into a bar completely naked looking for someone to have sex with. She then goes home with someone and is assaulted or raped. Just because that girl went out looking for sex, does that mean she was looking to be raped? Does that make it her fault, even though she was out there naked?" The point is that there is no 'giving off a vibe', there is no 'I'm a target' tattooed on your forehead. It could be that you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have been someone else but it was you in that place at that time with that person. No one who is assaulted or abused or raped is asking for it, it is never their fault & that includes you. I think it's also important to remember that when faced with a scary or traumatic situation (that could be being faced with a knife in your throat or even just someone shouting at you) your body goes into a response known as 'fight, freeze or flight', which is basically the bodies natural mechanism for protecting itself. In that moment of terror it takes all the information it can & makes a decision whether to 'fight', 'freeze' or 'flight' (run away). What happened to you, when you say you froze that's a completely natural reaction to the trauma & threat you were faced with. It's something the brain & body does of it's own free will, you basically have no choice in the matter. If you're bodies response is to freeze, you cannot change it to 'fight'. I also think the same applies for the 'submission' you describe. You did it to protect yourself, to keep yourself out of harms way, that was your bodies & brain's way of thinking 'Okay, if I just do what they say, I will remain alive'. Your brain & body treat that experience as a threat to life itself, & clearly it chose to freeze & do whatever was said/implied/asked/gestured to be done. Have you ever seen that film Irobot? If you haven't just skipped this bit 'cause it won't make sense to you, but in the film, the robots chose to save pepole on a basis of percentage that they will survive, so whoever has the highest percetage they will save because it's more likely they will live on. The same reasons kinda applies to the fight, freeze or flight method in your brain. Your brain is working out which action will give you the best percentage of survival & then chooses it. Your brain happened to choose the freeze action. I agree that the next thing is definitely getting some semblance of confidence back in your life. Even if you don't feel it, sometimes it helps just to fake it till you make it. It seems your current & past therapists weren't the best for you, are they specialificly trained in PTSD/Abuse? I would definitely recommend looking for another therapist in your area if you can afford to do so. Sometimes bad therapy is almost worse for the patient than no therapy at all. It can be very damaging. And no, what you said doesn't come off as superficial, thank you so much for your kind words.
Well for years I couldn’t stand up for myself and I’d breakdown if I heard people belittling me in anyway. But then one day I just got sick of it and I snapped in front of them all throwing punches and kicks (pretty bad I felt so dumb) but after they never said anything again. That was when I was about 10 or 11 like. Now when I get something said about me I either say something crippling that I know will shut them up or I just ignore it and walk away look back laugh if I’m with a friend to seem like I or the friend said something ( so far it’s worked pretty well). If people get physical get angry and go wild they won’t expect it and it might intimidate them e.g. object throw them, walls try punching it or you could just kick the shit out of them.
