letter to your younger self...

Oh this is a really cool idea, I'm going to think about it and post one...also eager to read yours

 

Don't be afraid. People will live up or down to your expectations, so expect the best from them.

 

I'd say to myself before I went to college, you know all those guys you look at in school, in the ads, on tv/movies and wish you were more like them or could be friends with? Yea, those are crushes, you're attracted to them the way most guys are attracted to women. You'll never really be into women; everyone lied to you about that. They hid away what it really means to be gay, but all it means is a guy who is into other guys. It has nothing to do with being weak, a loser, a sissy or wanting to be a woman. You are gay, it's really ok and yea, some guys are hot! Gay guys will think you are too if you give them a chance. Seek out the gay group at college. Talk to JM about this, he's gay. Try weed, you'll really like it. Change your major to civil engineering or architecture or art or whatever may inspire you. Start working out and don't start cigarettes. Come out to people sooner rather than later. Use the mental health services on campus as needed. Write to your family more often. Don't let the anti-gay bigots kill your joy and confidence. Stay strong and let yourself be more open and not so shy. People will like you if you let them.

 

I would have told myself not to worry so much about things. I would have said to myself "be strong it doesn't matter that you're quiet and shy. You are wonderful!" And I would have also said that you should have had the courage to be who you are. And not to be afraid. I wish I had lived my truth back then.

 

"You like girls. Get with the program."

 

I ended up writing a really long letter, because this helped me so much to get it all out. But I don't know if it's too much for others to sift through differences so I'll just put a small part of it:

...it's ok to be unsure, to be confused, to question yourself, question who you are, what your feelings mean, and what you want from life, from love, from a partner. You already know, by the time you can read a letter like this, what alot of this means. Those feelings, the ones that make you feel different…. live those feelings, touch those feelings, let those feelings in. You don't have to know what they mean, you don't have to understand them. It's ok that you don't.

 

*don't know how the word differences ended up in there...that's a typo

 

Oh beautiful girl.

It's ok. It's all going to be ok. You will be ok.

Hold onto your love of dinosaurs and astronomy. Never stop playing with Legos. Cherish that feeling of chasing lighting bugs and running bare foot in the grass. Hug Grandma every chance you get and try so hard to remember the German that she is patiently teaching you. Cry when you are sad. That doesn't make you weak. Laugh when you have joy. You can never have enough joy and laughter. Love without fear. Allow yourself to be your true self. You are not weird, not odd, not different. You are wonderful and even though you don't see it now you will in time.

Find your mountain little girl. Find your peace and there I will be waiting.

I will see you when I look in the mirror.

 

I have always wanted to do something like this, but never really knew what I would say. These letters always make me cry as well as they are such a personal, emotional release. Hugs right back to you!

 

Amen......I was never shy but the rest I am right there with you.....we have to somehow tell younger people its OK do not be afraid...embrace yourself.☺

 

Amazing advice....

 

ok I'll post it...

But anyone who doesn't want to read all of it, I totally understand!

Here's what I wrote in full, including a bit of a note to explain myself to start:

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Hi again Sarah, I've been thinking about your post and about what my letter would say, and it's only in thinking about it that I realise this is a really hard one to think about. When I think about writing a letter to my younger self, I want to tell myself things that would encourage me to be myself, be confident, be ok with who I am… But I realise that a lot of that advice, if followed, means that I don’t end up in this life, with my daughter, and in this path that feels so beautiful right now.
And that led me to the thought that my life has led me to a really good path, a really amazing place, with wonderful things that I wouldn't want to lose. And that includes the things that were wrong and that didn't fit me along the way. That leads also to another thought, that we've all reminded each other, we only do what we can with the information and understanding we had at the time. I don't even know whether it would have been possible for me to make different decisions. …. So all of that thinking has led me to this letter, instead:

Dear B-jedi,

You don't realise this but you're going to lead a pretty interesting life. One that has a lot of twists and turns, one where you end up going off to faraway places, you'll meet lots of people, love lots of people, and you will end up in a very different kind of life than you likely imagine now. That life is going to be hard at times, and wonderful at others, sad and scary and overwhelming at times, and lovely and rich and meaningful at others, sometimes all those things at once. I want you to remember something really important along the way… it's ok to be unsure, to be confused, to question yourself, question who you are, what your feelings mean, and what you want from life, from love, from a partner. You already know, by the time you can read a letter like this, what alot of this means. Those feelings, the ones that make you feel different…. live those feelings, touch those feelings, let those feelings in. You don't have to know what they mean, you don't have to understand them. It's ok that you don't.
I'm guessing you're about 8 years old when you're reading this, you're feeling pretty overwhelmed at the things that are happening to you, the terrible things that someone has done to you, the changes in your life with your mom and dad splitting up, your sisters moving away, and with you moving house. And you're searching for someone who can help you find your way. You already know you can find that in your brother. But you can also find it in yourself. You won't know the answers, but that's not important. All you need to know is that you will find your way, one day, back to yourself. It might take a long time…. Ok that's an understatement, it's going to take a long time. But in the meantime, you will make a lot of weird decisions, strange and dangerous mistakes, and those things that you do will add on to your life story, and lead you down a really confusing path, but one that ends in finding you again. You've been asking questions about yourself, and trying to understand what all your feelings mean, and I know right now you won't let yourself really look deeply at those questions. It's ok that you feel you need to put those emotions at a distance. It's ok that you're not able to deal with those things just now. When you are about 20 years old, you will start finding the courage to ask the questions again, you will start to find yourself searching and looking around for ways to explore all of those feelings. I want to remind you what I said earlier in this letter…it's ok to question, and to not be sure, and to be confused. Don't let yourself be scared away from trying to explore those feelings just because you're confused and unsure about what they mean. It's ok to feel that you don't understand yourself or what you want or what you need.
You're going to meet this guy around that age, and he's going to be really important to you. He;s going to help you grow so much. But he won't be what you need, he will know what you need even when you're not ready to accept it for yourself. After you break up with him, you’re going to make a friend. She's going to become one of the best friends you'll ever have. She's going to be that friend you can sit down across from, look over the table, and know everything each of you are feeling just by looking in each other's eyes. She's going to tell you, when you tell her how long it's been since you've broken up with A, and that you're just not able to get over that relationship. She's going to tell you, take all the time you need. It's simple advice, but you need to take that advice, listen to her, really listen. There's no reason you need to rush to know the answers to why love feels so elusive to you, and why you feel so alone. There's no reason you need to rush to be with someone to start a family.

I don't want to tell you not to start a family with the one who comes along next… but I do want to tell you to listen to yourself more. When things feel wrong, when things feel off, listen more to yourself.

Honestly, this letter isn't meant to change your path, it's meant only to help you accept all the things that you can't seem to accept about yourself, all the uncertainties and confusion you have, and all the time it's taking you to figure out who you are and what your feelings mean. In the end, life is messy, but you'll find your way. And everybody is going to be ok.

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I hear you on that. Youth these days have so much more pressure on them. With social media anything that happens whether it's bullying or public shaming can be posted in seconds. I'm so grateful that social media didn't exist when I was a youth. The message needs to be that it's ok to just be you! Who cares what the bullies think.

 

Dear Younger Self,

Do everything you want to do, even if it scares you, even if it hurts someone's feelings - this life is yours to live and you must live it unapologetically for yourself. Of course be kind and love those who love you, but most importantly, love yourself. Health is the only wealth in this world. Make sure it's your top priority, always.

Btw, when you look at chicks and wonder if you think they're hot because you want them or just wish you could look like them. Yeah, no. You're pretty freaking gay. All the boys you date will feel like regrets and emptiness. Go join some lgbtq stuff asap.

Signed With Love,
Your Older Self

PS: think hard about things before acting. Take your time and make the best decisions for yourself.

 

Be true to yourself!! Don’t be afraid of going after/doing what you really want. Those who truly love and care for you will no matter what. You’re absolutely fine just the way you are (gay) ❤️️‍

 

I attempted suicide many ago when I was sixteen. I was home alone again on a late Saturday night while everyone else was out for the evening. I had just mixed alcohol with drugs and was waiting to see what the effects would be like. I was facing the end and I was scared. Would it be painful? What was death going to feel like? Maybe it would just be a peaceful ending to a miserable existence.

Unexpectedly, my sister arrived home with her friends. The concert they were supposed to attend had suddenly been cancelled and they returned home. When they discovered what had happened, they called an ambulence and I was taken to the hospital. I lived through it.... but at the time, I thought it was just prolonging the misery and the inevitable conclusion of suicide. I was never meant to be happy.


A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

Dear StarRunner.

A night will be coming up shortly when you will have the chance to end all this pain. These feelings have always been up and down, but there is a consistent feeling that you're a failure and that people don't care about you. More than anything, you don't believe things can get any better.

It will be an emotional time. You will be terrified at the prospect of death because you can't comprehend what it will be like, but it won't stop you because it can't be any more painful than living. Facing the unknown is better than facing this miserable existence every day.

I wish I could just ask you to delay this attempt for one more day. These feelings change, and although your desire to keep living isn't very strong right now, the desire to end your life won't always be as strong. Your thoughts will change slowly from desperation and despair to a feeling that things could potentially get better.

A school environment can be a terrible existence for young people who are sensitive and thoughtful. You feel like you don't fit in, often feeling isolated and 'different' from the other students. You don't think in standard ways and have different interests that usually aren't part of the curriculum, and it all just amplifies your loneliness. Although you were realizing you were gay, you denied this part of yourself and tried to convince yourself it was just a phase that would pass. It made everything so much harder,, especially having a homophobic father. Years later, you will recognize that school can be one of the cruellest environments for people like you who feel less attractive, less intelligent and less confident. It takes time to get over those feelings, but you will see that, as you go out into the real world, that your insights, sensitivity, and experiences will be valued and helpful to others.

I know you're convinced right now that nobody cares about you. I wish I could explain to you how people have really been affected and worried about you. It's sad that people don't know how to express their concern for you or they don't know how to help. There are people want to help, they just aren't sure how. They don't want to hear you talk about suicide because they're afraid that talking about it might make you more likely to do it. They know something's going on, they just don't know what, or how to help. Often, suicidal situations can be a result of a communication breakdown amongst all parties. It's important to have someone that you can talk to about it, someone who's not afraid to talk about suicide. It's a tough subject, but not talking about it is a dangerous road.

In time you will discover that these feelings, so overwhelming right now, will not last forever. Day by day, week by week, you will get stronger. It doesn't change overnight, but you'll begin to consider a life beyond this moment. You will do things you never imagined yourself capable of doing.

You learn to get more involved in activities as a way to get your mind off depressing thoughts. You go back to school and you realize that although your grades need to improve, it's okay that they're not great right now. It's you that needs to improve right now and that needs the most care. Therapy can help and once you learn to start talking about it, you learn to let go of the past. Accepting the past, for whatever you did or was done to you, doesn't matter, because what matters most is where you are right now, and where you will go from here.

You will also get involved in extracurricular activities, including a social justice committee because you have an interest in human rights. You will also get to meet some people there who share similar interests, and although you don't believe that you're quite in their league, you feel that they listen and that your opinion is valued. It helps with your confidence and as you get more involved, there is less time to deal with suicidal thoughts and depression.

In school, you really hated gym class, because it was always about participating in team sports, like baseball or football. You were always the last one picked for the team because you were terrible at sports.. Would it surprise you that many years later you will take up long distance running as a way to deal with depression and that you will become an exceptional marathon runner? You'll make the top 10 list of local marathon runners and your story will be posted in the media, focused on educating, inspiring and uplifting others.

Years after your suicide attempt, you will become a volunteer for a local distress helpline, sharing you experiences with other people who are depressed or suicidal. And after falling in love with the work of helping others, you decide to leave a good paying job with benefits to go back to school for social services. After failing your way through high school many years previously, you will become an "A" student in college because you are focussed and motivated, and you have found new meaning in your life.

Eventually, you will settle into a rewarding life working for a non profit agency which helps disadvantaged populations, where you will be a strong advocate for youth, people with disabilities, racialized populations, LGBT groups, and, very, very often, people who are depressed and suicidal. You will share your experiences and advocate for others who feel the way you felt many years ago. You will find your passion and meaning in life and use it to help others. You will be widely respected for the understanding and concern you have shown to others. You'll be asked to speak at conferences and classes about your work and how you came to find yourself through it.

I know that none of this seems possible right now and during the many years ahead, there will still be some tough days, but you'll come to know that happiness is different than what you expected, that it comes from within and while helping others to thrive. You will rebuild a broken life on a foundation of hope and careful planning of a future with purpose.

This is the future that lies ahead if you can just make it through this long night. Your accomplishments aren't the actions of a person who is drowning in despair. You will find a strength in yourself that you haven't had the chance to see yet.

All I ask is that you trust me. Separate the emotions from the actions. Please don't make a quick and emotional decision that will prevent you from doing everything you are capable of doing, even if you don't see it as being possible right now.

Someday, people will understand and appreciate your sensitivity for the gift that it is, rather than a burden to bear.

Sincerely,

StarRunner