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Do straight guys usually do these kind of things to other guys?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by trimbcira, Sep 4, 2017.

  1. trimbcira

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    Hello,

    Just in a bit of a confusing situation. I'll do my best to keep the story as short as possible. I met this guy at the start of the year (I'm a gay guy but yet to confirm that I am with him) and we've been hanging quite frequently within the last 2 or so months, we're both in our early 20s. We met each other through a mutual friend and have been studying/socialising together as of recent. To me, I had always thought he was straight as he is a typical "jock" looking guy who talks about sports and girls and all that, hence why I never really pursued him knowing that there wasn't really any use doing so (as protection for myself).

    However, he has done some questionable things that make me think he might not be all that straight per se.

    Things that makes me question his sexuality (only does this to me)
    * He's slapped my bum many times in many occasions
    * Has sack tapped me in the balls
    * Basically physical touching in all areas (grabbing my thighs, neck massages, playing with my hair).
    * Hugs me almost every time we see each other (doesn't hug anyone else)
    * Sweet talks (e.g. uses word love, sweetie, baby, cute etc.. does this with our mutual friend though)
    * Preens me (e.g. takes lint of my pants, wipes my sweat off my forehead with his thumb???)
    * Buys me small gifts (like a tub of expensive ice-cream because he knew my friend ate all mine)
    * Puts his hands on top on mind and started caressing it
    * Kissed my hand (???)
    * Let me lay my head on his shoulder/chest for hours
    * Slept in the same bed twice, with our feet entangled for much of the night (even though there were free beds/couches to sleep on).
    * Would have deep and meaningful conversations to 7am in the morning when we're in bed together.
    * Let me big spoon him for a good 15 mins before he had to go to the toilet if that counts..
    * Planning to fly to visit me for a few nights by himself while i'm another city alone (note - free accommodation for him though). << SOS
    * Doesn't used ###### or actively pursue a female (even though he is a self-confessing man slut)
    * Always actively trying to see who i'm snapping or talking to on Facebook.
    * I'll be the first person he looks at when we're laughing in a group
    * Caught him looking at me and looked away quickly

    I know, you guys probably think i'm blind, stupid and crazy but hear me out..

    Things that makes me not question that he's gay
    * He's used the word f*ggot one too many times
    * He's told me it will be impossible for him to be "sexually aroused" by another male
    * He told me the story of how he lost his virginity to another female
    * Has said he wants to sleep around before he gets settled down
    * Has told me he found it strange I asked him to sleep in the same bed (which i didn't, he insisted, probably thinks I don't remember because I was drunk).
    * Told mutual friend he wants to sign up on ###### when he visits me in another city (with me around)
    * Rarely takes the opportunity to hang
    * Subscribes to a lot of pretty girls on snapchat/insta/facebook.
    * Didn't want to play his favourite Rihanna song out loud incase people around would think he was gay

    Usually I wouldn't care less if a guy was straight or gay, but yes I have developed feelings for him and its very hard for me to judge whether i'm overthinking/overanalysing a situation. He's a nice guy, but my close friends don't approve of him due to the fact that they think he's playing me as he probably knows i'm gay (he's asked me if I ever kissed a boy before, had to say no because I hadn't, said he hopes i get big D and that there are plenty of beautiful MEN and women in 'planned city') to which I agree, is pretty dicky behaviour if he's doing so just to know if I'm gay or not.

    So to re-iterate the question, do straight guys do this to other guys? And does he have feelings for me?

    TLDR - Straight does lots of gay things, but isn't gay... apparently.
     
  2. SomecallhimTim

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    I can't say about straight guys in particular but I have a bi friend (who is dating someone) who does almost all of the stuff on your list with me just because we're really close and he does it sometimes as a comfort thing for me and sometimes just because that's the kind of person he is. I think it would really depend on the person though, because I know other people who would never do that kind of thing with someone they weren't attracted to.

    It's really hard to say what his sexuality might be. I think that you should weigh your options and decide whether it's worth it to talk to him about it. If you did decide to talk to him I would start by coming out to him and see what happens from there. If he isn't straight, it sounds like he's pretty deep in the closet and probably isn't ready to come out.
     
  3. Tallen

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    Well I guess we are all confused at this guys actions towards you :question::question:men do touch each other, in locker rooms butt slaps are common, messing up another guys hair, bear hugs, even non-serious feminine role playing, or acting gay for a few joking moments. However in the case of this guy he has went a little farther than most guys would, like kissing your hand and allowing you to lay your head on his chest.

    There are straight "gay curious" guys that pursue gay guys for a sexual encounter for their own self gratification and once they have had the experience they lose interest in the guy and go back to their straight friends with little care of the persons heart they left behind. Many times these guys completely ignore and even mistreat the guy or talk about them in a negative way, some even "out" the person.

    There are also sexually confused guys who maybe bi natured but haven't come to a comfortable term with their sexuality so they identify as straight, these guys usually have girl stories and make non affirming comments to cover up their feelings.

    In your situation it is pretty obvious that this guy sent some signals your way his prying questions about your kissing a boy, talking about big tools, sorry but such conversations just don't exist between straight guys, he has interest in a sexual encounter with you and I suspect the two times you were in bed together he would not have rejected advances from you. A slip of the hand to private parts just might have stoked his fire :smile:

    At this point you have to decide what you want from this friendship, the ball is in your court so to speak, he is waiting for you to serve....he has shown interest but the only way for you to finally win the game or lose it is to come out to him and see what his reaction might be. I do agree with your friends though that this doest not sound relationally promising, the best you might get is a few fun times until he moves on....but I could be wrong :question::question::question:

    Question is ....can your heart take what ever the outcome might be.
     
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  4. andimon

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    This 'friendship' is not healthy. He's sending all sorts of mixed signals, and the conclusion you can reach is that he either wants to play you, mess up with your feelings (whether he wants to experiment gay sex is irrelevant, you should run away from him ASAP if this is the case) OR test the waters because he's a closeted bi guy and he actually has feelings for you. I know that you want to imagine it's the second option with all your heart, but the truth is you won't know until you ASK him. Next time you see him feeling you up or being super-duper touchy, pause for a sec and call him out. Make him come clean and explain what that's all about. Going on like this is NOT healthy for you. And I disagree that you should make the first move in a supposed sexual encounter. He NEEDS to acknowledge his feelings / desires. Otherwise he might claim that you lured him in as a defense mechanism. Either way, he needs to speak up his mind, and you have to decide whether you're ok with his experiments if that's the case. I, for one, wouldn't like to be treated like a tool for someone's curious urges.
     
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  5. Humbly Me

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    TLDR he is obviously very flirty with you but is either just joking (which is a very rude thing to do) or is severely afraid of being bi / gay and what his family and friends will think and you can't know until you have come out to him.
     
    #5 Humbly Me, Sep 5, 2017
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  6. JaimeGaye

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    What everyone else has said plus
    He's courting you
    He wants to have sex with you
    Once he succeeds and adds you to his little black book of sexual conquests he will drop you out the window like the remains of a fast food meal.
    For me there are reasons I shy away from any sort of involvement with bisexually identifying people as potential sex partners and your buddy is most of those reasons all rolled into one package.
     
  7. Tallen

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    I agree with JaimeGaye, I have been in this situation just recently and posted about it on EC. I was played by a guy who seemed crazy about me, said all the right things to lure my affections for him and once we had sex he disappeared, cant even get him to talk to me, this guy whether he is bi or straight is not sincere in caring about you and my gut says his motivation is to conquer you and then leave.
     
  8. trimbcira

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    [UPDATE POST]

    Hi guys,

    I just wanted to thank everyone for their replies and appreciate the effort that you guys have put in, it has helped me a lot in trying to understand what this guy is doing.

    Sadly, I'm still confused as ever and still have been getting a bunch of mix signals since my original post.

    I just wanted to provide an update on our most recent experience together. I mentioned earlier that he had planned to come to a different city to visit me while I was still on my business trip. He was only there during part of the trip, but nevertheless he came which was pretty good.

    I was pretty ecstatic that he came but at the same time had very low expectations because I didn't want to become hurt had nothing happened.

    During the trip... (4 nights)
    Signs he may be interested

    * He slept in the same bed with me every single night even though there was sofa beds available
    * Insisted to continue to sleep with me in the same bed even though I was snoring, went out to buy earbuds when he could've just slept on the couch.
    * He'd notice me missing in the morning (as I wake up earlier than he does) and would follow by giving me a hug around the waist from behind.
    * Slap me on the bum every day, at least once.
    * Layed his head on the curve of my back while my body was facing down on the bed.
    * Caress my hair for a good while, twice.
    * I'd itch my back, and he would continue to itch it for me.
    * Has no problems changing to his underwear in front of me (this seems normal though).
    * Our bodies would sometimes touch in bed when sleeping (only for a a few mins).
    * Initiated playing footsies (I know... I'm also cringing, our feet were touching for over 5 mins in the air)
    * Always facing me when sleeping.
    * He sacked tapped my in the balls in public.

    Additional signs (before the trip)
    * He would get drunk and send me snaps of him in his underwear and zoom on his bulge.
    * He would later admit that he was drunk and it wasn't meant for me.
    * Says he loves me (two consecutive weeks in a row) when drunk. However, he does seem like a person to say he loves anyone and everyone and does say similar things to my other friend. But will not touch them the way he does with me.

    Signs he's probably not interested
    * Talk about how he was talking to a girl on the plane
    * Mentioned that the girls in the city are 10x better looking than the ones back in our hometown
    * Asked him why he only insisted on purchasing patterned underwear, says incase he brings a girl back it would be aesthetically pleasing.
    * Talked about wanting to get fit so he can pick up girls over the summer.
    * Asked him why he liked trying on tighter fit pants, said that girls dig the look...
    * Caught him scrolling through a girls instagram profile and screenshotting revealing pics of her (side boobs etc.). He had no reason to do so because he didn't actually know I was in the room or watching.
    * Showed me his phone with a bunch of girls screenshots on his phone (only because I requested to see).
    * Said he never bothers to dress to impress at Uni, because there wasn't anybody to impress (even though he sees me all the time).
    * We were walking to our destination and our hands accidentally brushed and instantly called me a 'gay'.
    * Didn't like it when i accidentally brushed my feet by his, but then would play footsies??? wth
    * Felt uncomfortable when a gay guy in a movie we were watching started winking at the camera.
    * Stare at girls booty's and how a girl dresses and comments her as looking 'fit'.
    * He found it strange I start a conversation with "Hello Baby", even though he'd call me baby, or sweetie or bae etc all the time... Double standards?

    By the time he left, I was basically exhausted overthinking everything as I normally do. Had a bit of a moment where I just felt like crap. The signs where he wasn't interested was quite strong and I just felt annoyed, because I'm pretty sure he knows I'm gay. I didn't want to confirm to him on the trip because I didn't want the trip getting awkward knowing how he can randomly become uncomfortable around the topic of homosexuality.

    Additionally, we live in Australia and currently in a time where the nation is voting for the legalisation of LGBT marriage equality. The night before he came, he sent a snap of him throwing the postal vote in the bin. It was pretty disgusting to see. But during the trip, he'd hug me and tell me to vote yes????? This guy is all sorts of wishy washy, I can't even deal.

    Right now, as much as I still do like him and see him in my life. I don't feel as it is necessarily healthy for me to maintain the mindset of trying to pursue him because I feel as it will go no where. I didn't come out to him because I felt like he gave me reasons not too, even though he hinted to the fact he knew (he called himself a guy, and he said I was a girl and proceeded to call me a needy girlfriend out of jest because I was being a little bit dramatic before he was leaving, just for the fun though).

    I came to this conclusion because I feel like if anything was going to happen, it would've been this trip. But nothing major really happened so now I'm just accepting the fact he isn't interested. I will come out to him when I head home, and confront him that actions are can be confusing if it was only geared to be platonic. However, I won't tell him I like him because I don't want to ruin a good friendship. He is a great guy, and a good friend and does a lot of nice things for me but can be insensitive at times. I feel as if, if i come out to him the ball will be in his court and if he chooses to pursue he can do so in his own time, but I definitely won't be waiting.

    P.S sorry for the long post, this is somewhat therapeutic for me after the weekend I had...
     
    #8 trimbcira, Sep 26, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2017
  9. Whiteguy12

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    It's crazy that's I'm going through the exact same thing. There things he does that makes me think he may like me but there are other things that make me think he just thinks I'm a friend. I'm just having a hard time because I'm falling for him but I need to slow it down. If you find a way to let him go, let me know. He seems like he likes you but try to test the boundaries and see what he does. I have been testing it with mine and it's just more confusing
     
  10. ravenscarlett

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    He's deep in the closet. If I were you, I wouldn't touch that situation with a 10 foot pole. When someone is that far in the closet, there's no telling how long it will take him to come out. Right now it seems like this is a toxic relationship to you. Try talking to him about it and let him know that he either needs to go all in or not at all because mixed signals are not cool.
     
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  11. TrevinMichael

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    not sure what to think
    hugs
     
  12. SHACH

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    I think he's probably bi but he has a fair bit of internalised homophobia and probably is one of those people who doesn't really beleive bisexuality is possible for him (or possibly for anybody) for some reason. I was a bit like that back when I was like 14/15. I was a mild homophobe and the idea that bisexuality could be a genuine form of sexuality and it could be MY sexuality was just something that had never crossed my mind because I didn't respect bisexuality particularly and I didn't want to be LGBT, so I just focused on opposite sex attractions and claimed to be straight. In reality I'm starting to think I'm about a kinsey 5 so yeah I was deep in denial like this guy.

    Maybe instead of asking him about his orientation, ask him how he feels about you. If he knows fully well that you are gay, and he is acting in this affectionate way, he probably is sorta aware that he feels a certain way about you and that you could hypothetically feel similarly, but he probably keeps pushing it into the back of his mind because in the rest of his life, he considers himself straight. I know thats what it was like for me - there was a girl I acted like this to who was rumoured to be gay or bi and the thought of a kissing her or a relationship popped into my mind vaguely fairly often but but i pushed it away. If someone had asked me if I was straight I would have said "yes" right away... but if that girl asked me how I felt about her, as much as I was trying to ignore the feelings, i would have been stumped for a bit and probably reveal myself a little, because I would KNOW deep down that there was SOMETHING and that I secretly sort of wished she would ask.

    Of course, he could be stumped for a bit and then get very defensive and aggressive if he's a different sort of person. When you challenge someone to question their whole identity suddenly you can get some pretty wild desperate reactions. But even if he gets angry for a bit hopefully he'd actually have to face up to himself a bit, work out where his orientation lies, and he'll either decide that he does like you, or be shocked into realising that he needs to stop messing with you.
     
  13. Dylan1357

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    He’s might be questioning and in denial that he could be bi or gay. But I have got a friend that does a couple of those things but I don’t give it a second thought. I wouldn’t try to do anything because you might scare him.