Feel so utterly, devastatingly lost....

i've been browsing on these forums for nearly six months. i apologize in advance for any grammatical errors as i'm typing all of this via stream of consciousness. i'm a man married to the most amazing, loving woman. to say that i've been lucky to know her would be a gross understatement. we've been together 8 years, married for five. from a very early age (elementary school) i noticed that i was attracted to both boys and girls. it wasn't until my college years that my physical attraction to guys developed into sexual attraction. college was also when i discovered the world of gay porn on the internet. yet during my teenage years and young adult years i was also very much sexually attracted to women. i wanted to be in relationships with women and only had interest in being with women. i never tried anything with guys mostly because i was afraid that it would confirm i was gay or some such.

fast forward to the present: during this past year, i've been internally agonizing and struggling with my sexuality. seemingly out of nowhere, my sexual attraction to men skyrocketed to where that's all i was interested in. i was confused and terrified of what was happening to me and wondering why it had suddenly changed so drastically. having this weigh on my mind 24/7 for over a year (understandably) killed my libido: i lost any desire to have sex with my own wife, making up excuses to put it off, and being unable to perform if we tried. i was becoming grumpy and irritable as i wrestled with this situation. finally after a year of going through this alone, i talked to her about it. i told her that i've been questioning my sexuality and that i'm terrified of what it means, and terrified of losing her. she's the single best thing that's ever happened to me. i love her, i love her family as my own just as my family loves her as one of theirs. everything about our relationship was picture perfect. we clicked on every level, and yes, even sexually. many tears were shed from both of us as i told her all of this. she was surprised to say the very least, but she then told me the single most beautiful and compassionate words anyone could ever say: "I don't care what you are as long as you're happy and living your truth." **tears are streaming down my face as i type this**

this conversation happened over 5 months ago. since then i have been seeing a therapist who specializes in matters of sexuality. it's been an emotional rollercoaster for me. everyday, i wrestled with the question of "am i really gay, or am i just bi?" i felt that each day brought me a new answer: somedays i knew i was gay; others i felt i was merely bi. on top of that frustrating uncertainty and see-sawing, i felt (and still do) so much self-loathing and guilt: all of this sadness and all of this shit we're going through is because of me. my wife has been incredibly supportive of me, but i know she feels sadness and uncertainty as well about what's going to happen to us. we finally saw a couples therapist for the first time this past week. it was a good introductory session. we're going because we have so many question marks in our relationship: "what do we do? where does this leave my wife? how long is she supposed to sit around and wait for me to figure this stuff out?"

however, i'm finally realizing (as much as i don't want to) that i am for certain gay. and it absolutely kills me. if i was a single man going through this journey of self-discovery, i wouldn't care as much. but i've brought my wife into this...and her family...and my family. there are so many people that are going to be affected by this now....and it's all because of me.

again, i feel so depressed and shitty that i'm doing this. this was never supposed to happen. we were supposed to continue planning for our future, take vacations together, go through the normal husband/wife life. we were also excited to finally begin remodeling our home. we both saw it as a metaphor for our relationship: working together to make something better/stronger. she's my universe and my everything. i love that woman more than i love myself. she doesn't deserve any of this. yesterday while driving home from work, i saw an elderly man and woman crossing the street while holding hands. and it brought me to tears. that's what she and i were supposed to have. we were supposed to grow old together. over this past year i've prayed, wished and hoped that this gay side of me would go away forever. but it's not. it's not going away.

i haven't told her yet that i now know i'm gay. i'm dreading that moment. i'm dreading what's going to come next. and i hate myself for all of this.

 

i talked to my wife this morning. after a very restless, anxious night of tossing/turning, i woke up before she did and laid on the couch in our living room. she finally came out of the bedroom to great me. and i told her. i told her how i'm not doing well emotionally, and that it's in regards to my sexuality. she encouraged me to "say it" and that "it's going to be ok." i told her that i can't bring myself to say it. "if you love me, you'll tell me," she encouraged. fighting to find my words through my loud crying, i told her that i'm gay. now, i feel even worse than before. she was amazingly and beautifully supportive, fighting back tears of her own, saying that "we'll figure this out and get through this." but she left. she said she's not rejecting me, but she needs to go out for a drive to be alone for a while. and now i'm here at the house by myself, regretting everything, wishing i could take back this horrible morning. i apologized to her profusely through my cries, telling her how sorry i am that i did this to her and to us. i hate myself even more. what have i done to her?

 

thank you, everyone, for your input and words of encouragement. i don't want to continue beating the dead horse by endlessly repeating how horrible and guilty i feel about what i did and how much i hurt her. she's still gone. i don't know when she'll come back, but i understand she needs her space. i have no idea how to help her now. there's really nothing i can do to make her feel better; there's no coming back from something like this. ontop of the guilt and agony i feel, i'm worried about her and feel i need to take care of her.

this wasn't supposed to happen. we were supposed to grow old together, have a family, plan for our future for the rest of our lives. and i took all of those shining dreams away from her/us with 2 words.

 

thank you all so much for your word of encouragement and support. as you can imagine, they've been invaluable. yesterday was the biggest rollercoaster of our lives. no doubt they will be more to come. we decided to try and continue with our pre-set plans for the day which was to clear out our garage. i felt like i was on auto pilot...more like i was in a haze. it just seemed so surreal to go on with our day as if everything was "normal." finally, at one point, both my wife and i had to stop because we were hit with such sadness. this is our home that we both fell in love with it when we first walked in five years ago. this is where we were supposed to continue our lives together. and the thought, the idea of us not being together was never an option for either of us. yet we continued on with our tasks as if our marriage is going to last forever, talking about where in the garage we'll put the bike racks, or which of picture frames should go in the living room. are we just deluding ourselves? or is having a sense of normalcy the best way to go through this uncertain path? we cried. hard. later that evening, we had dinner together (pizza) on the couch, watched an episode of tv, and then talked some more. neither of us wants to lose the other. but for her, sexual intimacy is a very important part of her life. otherwise, we're just glorified roommates. how do you look your own beautiful amazing wife in the eyes and tell her that you aren't sexually attracted to women anymore? how many more stab wounds am i supposed to inflict upon her? i told her that during my past year of struggle that i had done a lot of research and came across the notion of a "mixed orientation marriage." she had never heard of that before and so i explained what it is, and how the parameters are defined by the married couple. some allow for an open marriage, some allow for the gay spouse to seek companionship from the gay community, among many other caveats. for her, she's doesn't like the idea of imagining me in bed with someone else. but she was surprised to learn that i wouldn't have a problem if she hooked up with someone else. clearly i haven't been able to satisfy her in that realm for a while, so i wouldn't have a problem with her getting her needs fulfilled from elsewhere. in any case, i told her that i would try ordering some more viagra to "see" what that could do for us. either way, we have another couples therapy session this coming tuesday. we have a lot to discuss with him. we have so many questions that keep coming up: what does this mean for our house, for our finances? could we still have a child together, or would it be a farce? how long until we realize staying together doesn't work and that separating is the only solution? so many frightening and tear-inducing questions. but all we can do is take things one day at a time and focus on the here and now. we hugged, said our "i love yous" and i went to bed in the other room.

 

hello everyone. it's been nearly a week since i posted. so many of you have offered such powerful words of encouragement, reminding me that things will improve as time progresses. it's pretty damn near impossible to see beyond your current state of misery....even more difficult to try and imagine things getting better. but here i am.

it's been (as i just said) nearly a week since i came out to my wife in the most agonizing and tearful conversation i've ever had with anyone or probably ever will. i'm happy to say that the days have improved. sunday and monday were extremely difficult. not knowing how to navigate these waters, we simply tried to continue on with our days as normal, but our days were peppered heavily with random bouts of sadness to where my wife and i would both break down and cry. she's told me over and over again to stop apologizing, to stop blaming myself, to stop feeling guilty. she's been nothing short of an amazing, loving person during this ordeal. i told her, however, that i wish she would just hate me instead. it would make all of this easier and facilitate a clean break if she hated me. but, she could never. it got to the point to where i simply hated the mornings. i hated waking up to this new reality...wishing so desperately that this would be nothing more than a really bad dream. but no, it's here to stay.

the following tuesday, my wife felt incredibly depressed. she couldn't bring herself to go to work that day; called in a mental health day. made me feel even more terrible. later that tuesday afternoon, we both met with our couples therapist for our second session. we filled him in on everything and brought him up to speed. my wife and i both cried as we talked about our feelings, our fears, our worries (for ourselves and for each other). it was a rough session for sure. but later that evening, something unexpected happened: we found joy and laughter again. later that night we got together with our neighbors for dinner and had such a fun time, laughing and joking, etc. it was an evening we both needed, and it actually brightened our day. we went to bed happier just having been surrounded by good moods and joy.

the following wednesday, my wife had to go out of town for work for the rest of the week. later that night i met one of my close friends for dinner and told him everything. i was scared to share all of this information, but felt a sense of relief in being able to share it with someone other than my therapists. and from then to now, i feel that i've finally begun to find some peace with everything. i've finally been able to begin accepting who i am, and i'm not as scared of the future as i once was. my wife feels the same way; she's feeling more at peace with things as well.

at this point, we don't know what's going to happen. we're leaving all options on the table vs moving straight towards divorce/separation. we are each other's best friends; we love each other more than anything. and i know that love we have will continue helping us see through this.

i'll continue to post. thank you all for your encouragement and support. i wish all of you the same strength and comfort as you've given me.