Was it all just a dream?

I've experienced it before, main reason it took me so long to accept it for me the feeling came back with a vengeance. But you might need more time to figure it out for yourself but for me I believe a sexuality is a bit fluid. (Or some of us are)

 

Is this the first time the feelings have disappeared or is this something that has happened previously?

 

Yeah I get that's a lot of us have been there. I think it's quite common for them to ebb and flow and for doubts to creep in. How long has it been since the gay feelings disappeared?

 

I don't think what you describe generally are "gay" feelings. My understanding of what it feels like to be gay (or more accurately homosexual) is to feel drawn sexually and romantically to your own gender. So that would be the touchstone to describing yourself as feeling gay. Anxiety and other reactions come and go but the core attraction remains when you feel gay.

 

I wasn't meaning to imply anything about where you are at the moment, whether you're going through a phase, or to criticize your terminology (I just generally prefer the word "homosexual" because I think the word "gay" is imprecise and generally more of a political tool than describing what someone is feeling). I'm really sorry if I was unclear (not the first time). Anyway, my point was to reflect back to you my perception that most of the feelings you described are not indicators of sexual attraction and that if you focus solely on whether you feel sexually drawn to and romantically interested in other men you will have a better understanding of your place (at the moment) on the hetero/homosexual spectrum. And I do think that people can be more or less fixed in their sexual orientation, so that may be something to pay attention to in yourself over time. None of this requires you to do or say anything, which I would guess you think you are required to do if you think you're gay. But you are, in fact, not required to take any particular step in response to your self-knowledge unless you want to do so.

 

hi could you elaborate on what you think these indicators are please as I'm struggling to understand if I'm sexually attracted to the same sex or just admire them.

 

Hey don't feel silly at all. I think I totally get what you are saying, you couldn't think of anything but attraction to men and being with a man and now today it's like it's not there. It's really unlikely you made the whole thing up but it could be your brains way of taking a break from the anxiety and stress or your inner homophobia (don't worry lots of us had it) creeping in and trying to shut you down. How does it feel if you try and say out loud tat you are attracted to men?

 

For myself, I feel sexual arousal (fairly obvious when you're a guy) and also ... this is harder to describe ... a warm feeling in the center of my chest that radiates out to other parts of my body and a loss of sensory awareness s that I'm focusing only on the person who is making me feel this way.

 

@Aenima1997 what you are describing has happened to me several times since my homosexual realizations surfaced. During this time I have primarily been hyper-aware of my attractions to women and feeling an intense amount of arousal and that warm radiating feeling in my chest @justaguyinsf mentioned. All of the stress and focus on "am I gay or bi" put me in a very high-anxiety state. Some days I randomly would just feel normal. No crushes.. no obsessing thoughts. I would wonder if I made it all up. The thoughts would always come back though and I have come to realize that the intensity of these feelings has calmed as I have accepted myself more. I now feel like I am completely out of the intense crisis, high-anxiety state as I am not obsessing over my sexuality quite as much. I don't have many intense attractions and the gay feelings just come in waves now.

I hope this helps. Just keep open to yourself! Also in those time that I feel confused because of my lack of gay feelings I realize nothing has changed because it's not like I'm getting crushes/attractions to the opposite sex. I just feel simply me.

 

Going back and forth is normal, trust me! I've been going through it for about six years now, but I will say I never feel more profoundly certain about my sexuality than when I feel gay.

I totally get the conflicting aspect, too. Like how on earth can the thought of being gay induce fear & nausea yet also the thought of being in a relationship with someone of the same gender conjure the most profound feelings of happiness & completeness?

It could be that the thought of being straight is making you feel hollow, after all the soul-searching you have done. The truth is there will always be days when we feel less connected with ourselves than others. I find myself constantly monitoring how truthful/authentic I am feeling, and it gets exhausting. It's frustrating, but living in an instinctive way doesn't come all that naturally when your identity has gotten mixed up and compromised by learnt behaviours/feelings.

What you're feeling now probably won't last, and you will probably go back to how you were feeling a few days ago. This process can be cyclical, but lasting change will come.

Then again, you could just be experiencing the fluidity of bisexuality, which I unfortunately can't shed much light on...

 

Hi!

I'm new, and newly out/working out the future. Today was a rough day where i felt like my TG identity and wellness was put in a heterosexual blender. I feel like waking up and saying ok i will just go thru the motions of not considering this in my life, it's so awful especially when others are involved.

Best,
Theresa

 

I think everyone who’s in your situation struggles with understanding that at first tbh until you meet someone of the same gender you get this strong attraction and sexual desire for and then it hits you and you know for sure. I’m sure we could all spend lots of time wondering and debating with ourselves but then suddenly it’s there with a particular person and your like omg now I know and the rest comes naturally. For me women were always on my mind in the background but I chose to continue a heterosexual life but never seemed satisfied with that fully I knew I was attracted to women and wanting to experience being with a woman but blocked it out. Then when I met and connected with a gay woman I couldn’t stop those feelings they were very strong and since have no doubts about my sexuality well that’s my experience of it others I’m sure are different. I’m sure you will get there in the end and will know if it’s admiration or attraction.

 

I think sexuality is buried deep in our unconscious, and what we experience in our conscious mind can include a lot of noise from other sources that is distracting.
You need to take a long view and look at how feel over months and years rather than day to day. I also think that the messages from our true selves can often be quiet, and it takes determination to not let yourself write them off as unimportant.