Broken Dad to a 14 year old son.. help

Hello Broken Bob! Welcome to EC!

You aren't being offensive. You are being open and honest and showing us your deep love for your son and your true fears and concerns about this. You clearly have such a deep love and concern for your son that you are seeking out input and support from members of the LGBTQ community here on EC. Thank you for being such a loving and thoughtful parent!

First, I would tell you that your reaction is not at all unusual. It's one thing to have LGBTQ friends or even more distant family members, but when your own child turns out to be Gay, it can initially turn your world upside down.

Right now he just needs your support and unconditional love. Just as he's had his whole life up until now to come to an understanding and acceptance that he is most likely other-than-heterosexual, this is all new to you and you need time to fully understand and accept it for yourself. Please understand that actually Coming Out to parents is most often the hardest things we, as LGBTQ people, can do. We rely SO heavily on our parents for their support and unconditional love, as well as holding their opinions of us so highly, that even the slightest chance that they will reject or disown us for simply being other-than-heterosexual is truly terrifying. Not the least because we most often feel that we are letting our parents down and won't be able to live up to their views of having a 'normal' life. However, sexual orientation is not a choice and your son will realize that he is not defying you, he's simple being open about who he really is. I'm sure that your son can sense that you are currently conflicted by all of this. Until you have time to process this and realize that it doesn't really change your relationship with him in the least, please just continue to emphasize your support and unconditional love for him. For yourself, I think you should look at the fact that your son Came Out to you this way: he so fully loves and trusts you that he just told you the most personal and private thing about himself - something that could have had the potential consequence of your rejection or possibly even being disowned.

You fear for him and what his future holds. Naturally. He won't grow up to have the 'normal' family and life that you had envisioned. Well, guess what? When you take a step back, you'll realize that this is actually about him, not you nor your expectations for his future. Realistically, all any parent can do is to provide their support and unconditional love and do their best to help their child(ren) go forward into a happy and healthy life.

What you are experiencing is grief at the 'loss' of your son's 'normality' (in terms of his sexual orientation). I would recommend that you check out this EC Resource page. It can help you to better understand the five stages of grief/loss.

Additionally, you might want to check out the PFLAG website and see if there is a chapter near you. If so, you could check them out. They normally hold support groups for parents of LGBTQ children. In the meantime, I strongly recommend that you download and read their pamphlet Our Children.

By, the way, just out of curiosity, how old your son?

I hope that helps.

 

Anyone I could hate would never take the time to do this, though I'm not a very hateful person.

Anyways, there are plenty of upsides to being queer, we tend to be more thoughtful and understanding of others and once we get past our struggling we have a greater understanding of ourselves and our desires.

 

You aren't the kind of parent we hate. Through your whole post, you just want to deal with this and be there for your son. That's whats important and it will mean a lot to your son, too. Have you been able to talk to him about it? He does know you accept him, love him, and support him right? Make sure he knows that. Coming out even to a parent you are like 90% sure will be okay with it is terrifying let alone someone who potentially has religious reasons to do a complete 180 and hate you for it.

Its totally understandable that you feel crushed - maybe your just grieving the loss of what you expected, what you thought you had. Perhaps you only see the downside right now because its so new to you. Its not all bad and lets be honest its only a small part of him. Its different now than it used to be. Now we can get married and adopt and its more socially acceptable, schools for example have LGBT clubs, there are organizations out there to help LGBT people specifically, and now states and companies have anti-discrimination laws for sexual orientation and gender identity. That doesn't mean its not perfect, but hey it was probably way worse decades ago. All in all i think it sounds like you're having a hard time processing the fact your son's gay, not accepting it.

 

Hey Broken Bob,

I'm very sorry that your son is struggling so much right now and I understand how much this is tearing you apart. Unfortunately, this is his journey to make, alone. You can only provide your constant support and unconditional love.

It sounds like he is struggling to reconcile his faith with his sexual orientation. Additionally, it sounds like he may very well be dealing with shame and internalized homophobia which stems from the fact that our culture (society, religion, etc) tells us that homosexuality is 'wrong' or 'abnormal' or 'sinful.'

I can recommend a few threads/resources that you may want to check out which may provide you some insights and perhaps help you to help him move forward on his journey.

First, here are two threads that discuss being Gay and being Christian.

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...ut-being-lgbt-and-christian-very-long.277199/

https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...just-dont-know-what-to-do.292811/#post1101418

Here are a couple more links to sites related to being Gay and Christian that you might find useful or at least interesting:

http://godmademegay.blogspot.co.uk/p/letter-to-louise.html

http://www.notalllikethat.org/

https://www.gaychurch.org/

Here is a blog about Shame and Internalized Homophobia that may hopefully provide you with some useful nuggets to discuss with or recommend to your son.

And here is a website created by parents of a gay son who wanted to reach out to other parents of gay children.

Also, you might want to check online to see if there are any LGBTQ Youth Centers in your area. Just interacting with other LGBTQ people can help your son realize that he is not flawed and that it's o.k. to be gay.

Remember that this is not the end of the world for either you or your son. In fact, it is, in many ways, a new beginning for both of you. I firmly believe that both of you (and your mutual relationship) will come out of this much stronger.

 

You correctly diagnosed your pain in your very first paragraph. It's a loss for you. A real one. And, paradoxically, losing something we never even had often hurts more than losing something we had.

Apart from that, all the above posts have lots of wisdom in them.

 

Semi off topic. The more I climb down off my homophobic pedestal, a pedestal I as one, the more I see how Christianity champions, hate, contempt, control, of its practitioners. When I was a regular Christian church attendee, I was astounded to hear one thing in service, then see it's followers go out into the world and do something else.

 

Just wanted to say I have a similar story my 14-year-old son came out to me a couple months ago .... if you differences though, my son for lack of a better way to put it is all boy, is an athlete, and has never shown any stereo typical signs, so I was completely shocked ... also we are not religious, but even though I am not part of any kind of organize religion I’d like to believe that God would love all his creations no matter what, but that’s my own liberal opinion of that ...

But the similarity is I grieved, and possibly I am still grieving, for the loss of the life I thought he would have, but that definitely did not change anything about him or my relationship with him, he still is an amazing kid! And I have my worries, he has only come out to me and his siblings, not sure what the reaction will be of his friends or teammates, or his father, but that is a journey that I will let him guide and be with him the entire way supporting him but I definitely would not beat yourself up about feeling what you’re feeling, from what I can tell it is pretty normal and doesn’t mean you are a bad person, we just want our kids to have the best in life and sometimes what we perceive to be best might not actually be what it is for them ....

As far as upside, this is what I have decided my son will never have a woman in his life that he loves more than his dear old mom! I realize this is not the case for you, but you will gain an amazing son-in-law someday, it’s just shifting the expectation of who is going to join the family .... and also I feel as though I have gained this amazing community of people that I otherwise might not have ever been a part of, my daughter is more than ready to go March at the next gay pride parade, not sure if I’m going to do that, however I see a future with an involvement in something that will definitely directly affect my life ... yes, my daughter is beyond excited to have a future gay brother-in-law, and that is interesting because she is the only girl, but whatever
Just wanted you to know you are not alone, and I think what you are feeling is completely valid and normal, and just the fact that you took the time to find this form says so much about you as a parent, good luck to you and your son! No wife I need to contend with, LOL

 

OK ignore that little part at the end, I needed to go back and edit and I didn’t, so that makes no sense, LOL

 

Hi Bob. I was raised Christian as well. Being non-straight in even the most loving and accepting Christian environment almost invariably can cause some trauma. But it speaks volumes about you and your son's relationship that he came to you with this. I'm forty and still haven't told my Christian mother that I'm bi.
The negative feelings will pass. I often encourage the parents to make sure they have their kids backs no matter what but you already said you are there. That attitude is going to make it not only easier for him but for you as well.
I wish you the best.

 

Hi Bob. I just discovered this thread. Here's my advice: Be there for your son and give him to support and time needed to figure out where he's heading in life.

You might have had a vision for his future. It might not line up exactly as you'd envisioned, but it also might not be all that different that what you'd dreamed of. He can still date. He can still remain in the church. It might not be your family's church, but there are more churches than you might think that are open and affirming of LGBT members. He can still seek out his dream career. He can still get married. He can still be a dad.

My husband and I met back in 1994. We had a commitment ceremony a few years later and became foster parents in 2000. We eventually adopted our one son and became permanent guardians for another foster son. We got legally married in 2010 and now our kids are growing up and becoming men themselves.

When he's ready, encourage your son to meet other people within the LGBTQ community. Hopefully, he'll find peace is learning that there are many options out there for him. Especially with his family behind him, there's no reason why he cannot thrive at life. -Jon

 

Hi:

I haven't had time to read the other posts so I'll just reply to the OP, apologies if I'm repeating what's already been said. I think what may be most important for both of you is to find your way to some support. PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, has chapters in every state and has resources for both the queer individual and their families and friends. Being or feeling isolated tends to lead to stress and a fear of the future, knowing you have some support and understanding for yourself can also help you support your son.

Here's the PFLAG website:

https://www.pflag.org/


Hope this is helpful to you.

 

You have this huge gift. Your Son! Love him unconditionally as you have been doing. There will be many great things to come from him being in your life as there have been in the past.

I commend you in your honesty Bob and also for your willingness to work though this.