Emerging from the fog

Oh I am trying, believe me I am most certainly. But even as I am breathing and remaining calm on the outside, focusing on my work I have this vision of a nuclear power plant about to blow inside my skull and trying to hit the abort button over and over again to no avail. Pretty much sums up what's going on.

Bah, I know, I know! It's very... strange behavior of me because I would like to consider myself open and honest, I mean I'm not going to tell you my life story but if ask me a question I generally don't have a problem answering it honestly, but the second someone says therapist I claim up tighter than a virgin at a prison rodeo. But I know this must be done, for my sanity and all parties involved, it's the way to go... now I just need to excercise patience.

 

UPDATE!

So I went and saw the counselor on Monday after work. (Who was very cute mind you, her professional pictures made her look more 'mature' than she actually is to my pleasant surprise.) Anyways things went rather well, I didn't claim up like I thought I would, actually I just kind of word vomited everything out and bounced back and forth from thought to though all related on different occasions I was talking about, but she was able to follow my thought process quite well and confirmed a few of my suspicions about H and validated what I've been feeling with him and other things in regards to my sexuality and our relationship. And just hearing that from someone else was more of a relief than I thought, it felt so wonderful to have what I felt validated instead of just feeling like I was crazy all of the time. But I still have a long journey ahead of me in working through my emotions and making myself confident in my decision to leave H. She is concerned that if I do it too soon when I am still a bit uncertain, I will end up just caving in and get stuck back in the cycle I'm in, and I don't want that. I want to be free to be me, to enjoy life again not only for my daughters but myself.

So the letter will wait until I am more confident in my decision and have coping mechanism as to how to deal with H's reaction to everything. So the journey begins to regaining myself and taking back my life!

 

Thank you! I am very relieved it went so well, I mean it didn't hurt she was super cute too, haha, but still. I am glad that I went.

 

!UPDATE!

I am... exhausted, I guess is the best way to put it. Exhausted and ready to check out. My mind is screaming check please and yet no one is bringing me the damn bill. Ugh. My session with my Counselor felt... dizzying? I pretty much just talked in circles and went back and forth with knowing what I want and need to do for my own health only to circle back into feeling guilty for wanting to choose myself and feeling responsible for H and however it is he will react. And of course one of my core values is being committed to what I say I am going to do, and so I am also struggling on that aspect. So even though logically I can make sense of all of this, the guilt and sense of responsibility and I guess failure keep swaying me back.

I know that I should not feel guilty for wanting, or rather needing to choose my own health and well being over his. And I know that I am in no way responsible for how he will choose to react or his actions, or that I haven't failed myself because I truly have given it my best go but it really isn't meant to be for various reasons, not just my sexual orientation. Yet still, for one reason or another I find myself trying to talk myself back into when I literally know that I cant handle it anymore. I am literally a choice of me or him, and I know that either way I will end up suffering some kind of destruction but I feel that only in choosing myself will I be able to rebuild a solid foundation for myself and my daughters.

She wants me to write a letter to him, to word vomit everything out and first and then read over it and pick and choose what I say to him. Problem is every time I look at the blank page I space out, and my mind goes blank. Damn it all, I knew it was going to be hard but fighting myself is no joke. I am a worthy opponent in any arena in life against anyone, it just sucks knowing that I have to beat myself in order to achieve the goal in sight not only for my girls but for myself, because I'm worth it and I deserve peace and happiness and freedom.

I just keep having to tell myself that until those urges and voices of guilt and responsibility die down. So there will be a letter soon! Hopefully, most likely... but when I can't exactly say. All I can say is, soon.

 

!!UPDATE!!

It's been an exhausting couple of weeks. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. The only things that keep me going are my kids and K. This journey, however sure I am of myself, is certainly a tiring one. I've tried multiple times to write a letter to H to end up with nothing but a blank screen or piece of paper. I've tried journaling, but that only seems to leave me frustrated beyond belief. Ontop of everything else I just feel disconnected with the life I once have and now have to continue dragging on until I can regain myself to some level; the only time I really feel like me is when I'm talking/texting with K or my friends who are supportive of my re-coming out? Strange to say, but when I can say it out loud is when I feel the strongest. To which that whole tidbit happened during my friend J's anniversary party (I have an EXTREMELY small group of friends and we've all known each other for over 10 years, some I've known for 20 years.), it just sort of slipped out. They were having dinner at Reset which is a bar and grill with games for adults and what not, to be honest I didn't want to go but J insisted that getting out would be good for me. So I pulled myself together and went and had a decent time out. I was sitting there after dinner while everyone else was talking texting with K and apparently I must have smiled or laughed or something because J looked over and asked who I was talking to, she knows about K, and I told her and from across the table my childhood friend R goes 'Whose K?' and I just boldly stated 'My girlfriend.' Like I would have no consequence of saying it, even though I'm still technically married; which makes me feel like crap on both ends mind you, I am pretty much internally torturing myself in that regards. But everyone at the table was just like 'Oh, that's cool. Do we know her?' and started asking questions like it was no big deal. Which honestly, was such a relief and it made me happy to be able to talk about her with everyone.

A week later H insisted that we do something early for our anniversary, which I couldn't careless about celebrating since it's just another day for me and I've pretty much emotionally just stepped away from him. Up until the day before I kept telling him I didn't want to go, I didn't want to go, we couldn't afford it, but after insisting so much I got frustrated and agreed and we went to Cedar Point without the kids, just me and him. I will admit I didn't have an awful time, but I would rather have spent that day in bed asleep and being lazy. The drive home was interesting, he brought up the conversation about toys and how I felt about them. I wasn't interested in the conversation, honestly when we got into the car and I immediately began texting K to see how her day was. He made it apparent that he didn't have much experience with them but was interested, and I had absent mindedly told him that I had plenty of experience to know what I like and didn't like. Now this was the first time ever he actually asked me to explain anything about myself, and feeling tired and a bit irritated I just blurted out 'I prefer women.' And the conversation went silent after that. Which was fine with me because I didn't feel like indulging anymore, but I pretty much backhandedly came out to him.

H hasn't really brought it up since then, but he had certainly been bitchier than usual, nearly made Halloween unbearable. I've all but told him to let the girls move into the bedroom with me and he could have their room, since I didn't want to deal with him and his piss and vinegar anymore. I'm a bit disappointed in myself because I wanted to do this as nicely and as peacefully as I could, since I do still want to have a decent relationship with him since he is the father of my babies and it would make co-parenting easier. But with how tired and exhausted I am, and how irritated I've become, I don't know if I will be able to do it nicely while still asserting my decision. I just want a vacation at this point.

 

@LostInDaydreams I appreciate your perspective in wanting me to be more sensitive to the situation, but to put things to light I was a self proclaimed lesbian when I was younger and for some reason or another turned to men which all and all has been an awful experience. (My first post explains this more.) H is a narcissist, he was a completely different person when we met compared to what his true colors show now. H is a jerk in every sense of the word, if it's not to benefit him he doesn't care.

So mine is more of a recoming out than an initial coming out story.