Sad

No--your expectations are not too high. You deserve someone who loves and appreciates you and demonstrates that through her behaviors as well as words.

I am concerned that when you reached out to her to tell her how you felt (which is not easy, so good for you), her response was to reflect the feeling away from her. Rather than taking ownership of her behavior, she blamed you for calling her out. Think carefully about what she's doing here: She's blaming you for saying you feel alone. She's not saying, "I'm sorry my behavior isn't supporting you." She's saying, "I'm sorry you're feel alone." That's not an apology.

Really, I don't know her beyond the little you've written here, so maybe this is uncharacteristic behavior for her. But think hard before you think about seeing her in your life long-term. If she's not here for you now, it's a good bet she won't be there for you later. You deserve a lot better.

 

I am sorry, but It happens to me. I love someone very much but it is kind of impossible to be with him. Really, he is my love forever and I put high expectations on him. I dont wanna lose him and belongs to someone else.
I am not prepared myself before I tried to explore my gay journey because I think I have enough experience in gay world. But I am forgot that I am not single.
Now I am in depression, more than sad. I dont have even any solutions for this case. I am pessimist. Hopefully one day I can find my love after I prepared myself but my focus on him.

Good luck to you,
I am here in the corner of frustration

 

I'm so sorry you feel like that. Is it a new feeling or has it always been there but been worse at the moment because of you mum and things that have been happening?

 

It is not her job to tell you how you feel or to speculate (or determine) what you are 'really' upset about.

You expressed that you were upset and hurt by HER. And she did not address that part at all. And that's what needed to be addressed.

I don't think your expectations are too high and I don't think you sound needy at all. I just sense that you feel you are moving down lower on the priority scale for your girlfriend. And you need some reassurance you are still at the top. I would want and need this too. And I would need for her to say it in words AND actions.

I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you and her have a long history!

 

My concern would be when you say it's worth working on is that a view you both share and is she doing any of the working or is that just you?
I have a girlfriend of 8 years so I'm not that far behind and I don't have these feelings you do. I'm not saying our relationship never has any issues and doesn't need work of course it does. I'm in no way saying that you should give up on it but I also think you can't ignore how you feel because that definitely won't fix it. Have you ever been to therapy or relationship counselling?

 

Yes it might be a good sign. Do you think she would go to therapy?

That's ok anytime, I'd like to think my heart was good. I'm sure yours is too. I'm always willing to listen if you want to chat.

 

Well maybe it might be a good thing to consider. I know it can be difficult to fit it in but if it helped I'm sure it would make everything easier.

 

I second what Halo is saying here. I am glad to hear that you think she would go to therapy if there was time--that does suggest she thinks your relationship is worth working on. My experience is the same as Halo's in that I have been married three times--twice to men and now to a woman. Yes, relationships hit difficult times for sure, but they shouldn't be a constant struggle. And it shouldn't leave you feeling the way you feel. I don't suggest you simply pick up and leave-as you say, you have a long history together and everything that comes with that.

What I am suggesting is that you honor the way you feel and really think about what you need and want. If you want to try to save the relationship, then I suggest taking concrete steps in that direction. You've already started that--you've expressed how you feel to your girlfriend, which is great. Maybe tell her that you need something more than that, though. I know time is tight, and that's a real issue, but are there any concrete steps you can take toward working together to repair the relationship? If scheduling counseling (even only occasionally) is out of the question, perhaps you can suggest that when she is home, you set aside time to sit face-to-face to work through the issues together.

If you start taking steps like this, her response will give you a good idea of how committed she is to the relationship and might give you some guidance in what to do next.

If you need to work things out for yourself, perhaps you can return to counseling on your own. Ideally, it would be both of you, but as you know, a counselor can help your work out your emotions and can help you decide the best ways to approach your girlfriend, whatever you decide.

Whatever you decide, please take into consideration what you need. A long-term relationship is to be valued, but it's not a reason to stay unhappy. Relationships can run their course. People change. You can still honor what you and your girlfriend shared and realize that it's time to move on, for your own health and well-being.

Just please, please be careful of remarks that deflect comments about her back onto you. I know it was just that one comment she made (that you referenced in your first post), but it was scary. (I realize, too, that it might have been the only time she's ever said anything like that.) I was married to a man who did this to me all the time--nothing was his fault, everything was my fault. Here's an example: We were leaving the house one day. He walked out first (I was right behind him) and let the screen door fall shut behind him. I wasn't expecting it, and it hit me in the elbow. I said, "Ouch! [Person's Name], why did you do that? Why didn't you catch the door?" He looked right at me and said, "Oh, I didn't realize you weren't an adult who couldn't catch a screen door."

See what I mean? It's that type of deflection of blame and failure to take accountability for one's actions that can erode a relationship. But it also has the power to trap you in a relationship, because you begin to think that maybe everything is your fault.

I don't know to what extent this is or isn't happening in your relationship, but please don't overlook it if is happening. Make sure you don't let her make you think that feeling lonely and unsupported is somehow your fault.

(I'm hoping you're going to write and say she doesn't do that at all.)

 

Do you think if you had more hobbies and a busier social life that would help or not?

 

You certainly have a lot on your plate. Your doctor is right--you do need to take time for yourself. I know that seems impossible, but it's so important. Caretakers are under an especially high amount of stress, which isn't good for you and, as you know, bleeds into other areas of your life.

Is there anyway at all you can take short breaks from being your mother's caretaker? Is there anyone who can come stay with her, even for an hour at a time or something? Is there a day-care program she can attend (I don't know if that would be appropriate for her or not.) If you absolutely can't leave her alone, is there someone who can come in and help you while you're there just to ease your burden a little?