1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't wanna be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by kellynec, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. kellynec

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2014
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Okay, how long should I give it up for? It's gonna be hard but it's worth it

    No, I've never had sex with either sex. I would try it with women first :slight_smile:
     
  2. Tomás1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    74
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Get real. Just give it up! It's not good for u if u want to get laid. What's more important: porn or getting laid?

    Regarding "for how long?" … forever! Give up your addiction. Giving it up will force u to go out & try to score w women. The question "for how long?" is like a guy giving up cigarettes asking "for how long do I have to give them up?" Forever!
     
  3. kellynec

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2014
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wait, wait.. Are you saying you don't watch porn at all?

    Also has the same thing happened to you too and when you gave up porn did your desires come back, or what made you create this view on porn?
     
  4. Lexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2017
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    173
    Location:
    Belgium
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No, I didn't think of myself as straight as of the age of about 15. So I do have some experience with women. Luckily in my opinion. I've never had a relationship with a woman though, would have wanted to at some point, but sometimes things don't work out the way you want.
     
  5. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Tomas,

    I understand what you're saying here, but this thread is about the OP, not you. It's clear from OP's original post (and your earlier comment) that OP is probably not 50/50, so my comments were directed to that point. A bisexual who is 90/10 could certainly choose a partner in the 10%, but may end up being unhappy ultimately. In that sense, my comment was about the idea that someone who is resisting their same-sex attractions and chooses to stick with the 10% to continue to appear straight and avoid appearing gay is just pushing the same problem further down the road.

    My comment also strikes at the notion that just because someone is bisexual, "choosing" an opposite-sex partner doesn't change their attractions to members of the same sex. In that sense, you can't really choose the gender you are attracted to just because you are bisexual. You can choose which gender to focus on, you can choose which gender to date or have sex with, but you still can't choose the gender of your attractions.
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I wouldn't say 99.9% of men take a long time to accept themselves. but there's a pretty significant subset of gay men who do. Sometimes decades. And yes, those same men may say they have no problem with gay people, have many gay friends, etc. Our unconscious can act in very strange ways.
     
    Pole star likes this.
  7. Tomás1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    74
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Dear I'm gay:

    You're telling me that I, or anyone else, can't do what I do & have done for many years: choose who I want to love. I usually like you posts, but it's not reasonable for u to tell me that I can't do what I've been doing for a long time - choose who I want to be with, or choose the gender that I want to be with. U may not think that you're able to, but I am. U can have theories & judgements & all that … but they're meaningless.

    Your view of a 90/10 bisexual may be true for some, but not all. One could meet someone on the 10% side & have a great relationship w them. Mathematical probabilities only go so far: relationships & humans are varied, unique, & unpredictable. Just as each gay person, or anyone, is unique in what turns them on, who they're attracted to, their capability to express & receive love, their wounds & healing … the same is true for bisexuals! This is the nature of humanity.
     
    #47 Tomás1, Sep 26, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2017
  8. Tomás1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    74
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    kellynec

    My view on porn comes from my own experience, reading, & reading posts from guys your age here n EC. I used to go to 25 cent xrated peep shows, w glory holes. I loved them! Meanwhile, I was unable to tell my gf that I loved her, or do more than give her a good night kiss. My view, from my exp & reading, is that excessive masturbation, relying on masturbation for your sex, watching porn frequently … results in an inhibited sexual expression, timidity in the game of the birds & the bees, such as flirting w those you're attracted to … & all the behaviors that males use to attract their beloved.

    Sometimes I catch a glimpse of porn, & get turned on … but I never pursue it, because it's a very poor excuse for the beauty & passion of real sex, & it's addicting. Desire comes back quickly when you're not rubbing one out all the time. Then the dance of the birds & the bees begins. Strive to have a quality life; porn is inferior. I might watch it w a lover, but even there, it's better to be w your lover, than anonymous characters on a screen.
     
  9. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you are bisexual, and find yourself attracted relatively equally to both men and women, then I suppose you get to choose who you love.

    But that's exceptionally rare.

    The advice you're giving here is, quite frankly, awful. The overwhelming majority of people fall at one end of the spectrum or the other, and in this case, the OP clearly indicates that his attraction is to men... and he doesn't want it. But that doesn't mean he can change it, just because he doesn't like it. Sorry, but that isn't the way it works.

    Your views on sex and masturbation are not supported by research or clinical experience of the overwhelming majority of those who work in the field, though they are views supported by Christian crazies who offer up science-free explanations about homosexuality. Here at EC, we support evidence-based information.

    Telling him he can choose not to like men, not to be attracted to men, not to be with men, is simply wrong. There's decades of research, from hundreds of studies, supporting this idea, not to mention, anecdotally, dozens of people right here on EC in the Later in Life forums who attempted to do just what you're saying, with utter failure and a lot of people hurt along the way.

    So you can do what works for you, but it would be much appreciated if you'd stop giving terrible and blatantly wrong advice to people who are coming here looking for accurate information. Your personal experience does not generalize to others, and indicating that it is possible to simply change who one is attracted to is just a recipe for a lot of heartache.
     
    #49 Chip, Sep 27, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2017
  10. Tomás1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2016
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    74
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Chip,
    Well I guess I won't be spending much more time here on EC!

    Your views & judgements, similar to those of most gay people towards bisexuals … don't acknowledge the diversity of humans, nor our ability to choose for ourselves, the lives that we want.
     
  11. loepis

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2016
    Messages:
    85
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Singapore
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I find the word "partly straight / partly gay" is misleading. Basically, you are sexually attracted to either opposite-sex and same-sex, exclusively same-sex, exclusively opposite-sex or asexual. Saying "partly straight / partly gay" implies that the person can actively "tweak" their sexual orientations.

    I believe that you can choose not to act upon your sexual impulses e.g. you are attracted to a man, but you chose not to pursue any sexual relationship with that man. You can choose to only act upon your attraction to women, it is your right. Whether you are happy or not by doing that is a separate matter. The absence of actions does not determine your sexual orientation.

    What I can agree with is that my life would be so much easier if I could make things happen by willpower alone, like some kind of Jedi mind trick.
     
    #51 loepis, Sep 27, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2017
  12. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    No, Tomas, if you look back carefully at what I have written I never told you or anyone that you cannot choose who you want to be with. But you are talking about behavior. I am talking about attraction.

    Of course all of us can choose our behaviors. I chose to marry a woman. That doesn't mean I was attracted to her. I would have given anything to have been able to choose to be attracted to her. You are saying that bisexuals get to choose their attractions. I'm suggesting that you are wrong on that point. You can only choose your behavior.

    If the OP is attracted to both men and women, and happens to find a partner of each gender that he is attracted to, then yes, he can choose which gender he wants to date. But to tell him that if he has any attraction to women that he can ignore his (predominant) attractions to men, then you are setting him up for further pain in his life.
     
  13. kellynec

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2014
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    How long did it take for you to accept your homosexuality / bisexuality?
     
  14. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    809
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I came out to myself in 2014, at 45 years old. That's when I finally admitted (to myself) that I am gay, and thus when I truly began to accept myself. It would then take another two years before I was able to come out to anyone else.