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I don't wanna be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by kellynec, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. kellynec

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    I still can't accept I'm gay. Maybe I'm just weak
     
  2. kellynec

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    Okay but you're still partly straight and that's what I want to be too
     
  3. Tomás1

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    kellynec
    Forget about being straight … u said you're "fully gay" … or "a little bit straight" … that u want to be "part of the majority" (straight) culture … that u want to "choose who you're attracted to". You're either bi or gay.

    I feel for u, as I lived as a gay man in SF for 5 yrs in the 90s …& I realized that, unlike most gay men, I still was attracted to woman, & was more comfortable in a het community than a gay community.

    If I want to be w women, u need to develop your relatimship skills w them. U need to flirt, hang out with, date, connect w women … & get a girlfriend! This is not rocket science. U have a choice. If u want to be gay, hang out w men. Ignore women. Play the gay apps. Have lots of gay sex. Sexuality is fluid. If u like both men & women, u have to navigate that territory.
     
  4. Lexa

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    You are not weak. You need time but that's okay. You're only 20, I will be 35 in a few days.

    And I agree with Creativemind again. I don't see myself as partly straight anymore. The division I felt between my opposite sex and same sex attractions disappeared with self acceptance. I see myself as bi now, just 100 percent bi, not x percent straight, not x percent gay, just bi. Bisexuality is a sexual orientation on its own.
     
  5. kellynec

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    Is that South Florida or San Francisco? I've heard San Francisco has a very open gay community if you know what I mean. Like, a LOT of people are openly gay there, PnPs and stuff

    (I'm European so I don't understand xD)
     
  6. kellynec

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    And at what age did you accept yourself being different?
     
  7. Blackangel

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    That's like choosing whether you want to be black, white, asian, etc. Or choosing to be over 6' tall, or under 3' tall. Would you also be able to choose a birthmark shape and location?

    You are what you are. You're attracted to who you are, be it men, women, both, neither, etc. Just sit back and clear your head, and try to figure out what you truly feel.

    As for being in the mainstream, personally I don't think that's healthy. The mainstream suppresses individuality. My sister for example has never had an independent thought, because she is desperate to keep up with what's in style. And as soon as the "in thing" is out of style she drops it. Her favorite band as a kid was Kiss. Now she won't touch them because they're "not the IN thing".

    So just be yourself and damn what other people think or want you to be..
     
  8. I'm gay

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    Hi kellynec,

    First, please stop apologizing. You aren't offending anyone with either your descriptions of LGBT or your use of language. Look around this site and you will see plenty of rather graphic descriptions of sex and body parts. We don't mind.

    So, you don't want to be gay. I get that. I didn't want to be gay either. Only I didn't have this site or the internet when I was your age and wrestling with this same subject. I didn't have anyone I could talk to. I definitely knew I was gay, but I was ashamed of it and just wanted to be normal like everyone else. So, I buried it and went on with life, only to reach a crisis point almost 30 years later for making the choices I made at your age.

    What you want is rather irrelevant. You cannot choose your orientation. You can deny it. You can ignore it. You can pretend to be straight and enter into a straight marriage and have the 2.5 children you've been wishing for. But it won't be real, and eventually you will figure that out. If you're like me, you'll figure that out 20-30 years from now when you have two or three children and a whole life built upon a shaky foundation.

    If indeed you are bisexual, that doesn't let you off the hook here. You don't get to "choose" just because you are bisexual. Please pay attention to the bisexual posts from people like QuantumReality on this site. Bisexuals don't get to "choose" the gender they want just because they are bisexual. Bisexuality means that you are "capable" of being attracted to both men and women, but not necessarily equally. That doesn't mean you get to choose - you are attracted to who you are attracted to. Period.

    Overall, I think you are misinformed about a number of topics in the LGBT world. This is totally understandable. But educating yourself about homosexuality and bisexuality would be a good start in this process.

    I know this isn't what you want to hear. You want to hear that you don't have to be gay. You want to hear that you can choose to be straight. I'm sorry, but you can't. You can choose to "act" straight, but it is just that - an act. Work on self-acceptance.

    Take care. :gay_pride_flag:
     
  9. Chip

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    Actually, it's not unique at all. The post above telling you there was something weird because you felt sexual attraction was way out of line and, had the staff caught it earlier, it would have been deleted. There are plenty of people who have early puberty, and 8 is not as rare as it used to be.

    It's also not unique that you felt strongly for women and are now feeling strongly for men. That, too, isn't uncommon as people are in their teen years. The bad news is... it pretty much never changes back.

    You're the only one who knows what you're feeling, but from what you are describing, I doubt you are bisexual. It sounds like your attractions are pretty much entirely toward guys, and so that pretty much rules out being bisexual.

    From all we know now, as I said above, it seems very unlikely that there will ever be an option to change sexual orientation. There are lots of people who initially feel the way you do (and a few miserable souls who simply can't accept and love themselves and continue to feel that way) but for the most part, once you accept who you are, I think you'll be surprised to find that you will be able to embrace and love yourself fully.

    It takes time... and patience. But many have been in your shoes. The best thing is to simply keep talking about it, sharing your frustration, and getting the feelings out.
     
  10. Tomás1

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    Dear "I'm gay"…As a 50/50 bisexual, I can choose whether I want to be w a man or a woman. I choose who I want to flirt with, who I want to ask out on a date, who I want to create a relationship with. Sometimes I feel that I want to be with a woman" because I want the polarity of the feminine to balance my masculinity. Sometimes "I want to be with a man" because I want the relaxed yet powerful equality of being w a man. Sometimes I'm attracted to someone for who they are, their nature, personality & essence …rather than their gender.

    Bisexuals are the minority within the minority. Just as the approx 10% of gays face discrimination by the 90% straight community, the X% of bisexuals face discrimination by the straight and gay community. Bisexuals (esp men) are disliked & misunderstood by most gays & straights alike.

    kellynec:
    I was referring to San Francisco in my earlier post. It is a very open gay community. U can walk down Castro St holding your lover's hand with any fear. But it's much different where I live now in a mostly heterosexual town an hour north of SF. It'd be much more isolating being openly gay here. I feel more comfortable socially being around women & men.

    Also … can u say more about who u are comfortable with, hang out with, & want to be with? If you're only attracted to other men now, u need to make peace w that … or you'll be swimming upstream against yourself. If you're attracted to women as well, u need to dance that dance.
     
  11. Blackangel

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    I definitely know the discrimination from both sides, being bisexual myself. It's almost expected for women to be at the very least bisexual. But men are told that they can't be bi. It's either gay or straight. That there is no middle ground. That bullshit goes above and beyond pissing me off. I actually slapped someone for that kind of comment.

    You're not going to tell me what I can and can't be. I will tell me that and you can kiss my ass.
     
    #31 Blackangel, Sep 26, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2017
  12. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Hey Kellynec, it's tough finding out you won't fit into your communities like you once did. It doesn't make you weak for not accepting it, it makes you human. So very human.

    I was in denial for years until I got to a point where I could see and accept myself. I accepted myself when I was ready to do so. Give yourself time to come to terms. While you can work towards acceptance you can't force it.

    Counseling is a great source if non-judgmental support for everything you're feeling right now. Moreover a counselor can help you come to terms with your loss, if that's what you want.

    Even if you can change your sexuality in the future, you still have to live life now as you are. 10, 20, 30 years is a long time to wait to start enjoying life. I won't say to need to date guys and fully embrace being bi or gay, but I hope you find peace in your circumstances and love for yourself. Regardless of who you are and what you choose to do, being happy no matter your circumstances is priceless.

    Also, maybe watch less porn if you haven't already. Watching a ton of porn can meddle with healthy desires.

    I understand what you're saying. I'm not offended but understand what you're saying is politically incorrect. "Okay, but you're partly attracted to women and that's how I want to be too" is the correct way of saying this.

    Bi people experience attractions to men and women. But they aren't "straight and gay". Think of it this way, bi people have attributes in common with gay and staight people, but they are bi. Just like pentagons have attributes in common with squares and triangles, but they aren't squares or triangles. They are pentagons. You may not see the difference in the terms, but be aware that one can be homophobic.
     
    #32 Cinnamon Bunny, Sep 26, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2017
  13. Quantumreality

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    No, you're missing the point completely. I'm Bi. I'm not "partly straight" or "partly gay". The defined sexualities are heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. "Partly" isn't a sexuality.
     
  14. kellynec

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    Well, I only have one friend and he's a guy. I'm not open to him about my questioning. He's just a homie really. But he considers homosexuality a disease, he's told me that openly already, so lol, I don't think I'm ever going to come out to him if I turn out to be gay or bi.

    Well, does it matter that I imagine myself partying with girls (especially asians :slight_smile: ) very often? Who I wanna be with, I don't yet know. Honestly, this whole questioning has caused me so much distress that I've chosen to focus on my studies, which is hard enough with the distress going on. In case you're wondering, I'm studying psychology.

    By the way, I'm sorry if this sounds crazy or ridiculous, but is it weird that even when I was only and very strongly attracted to women (so I felt), I never liked the vagina. I've honestly always felt it looks so... weird. Not necessarily disgusting, but given that all the straight guys (my homie too) love the vagina, and I don't, I surely should have found it somewhat of a sign earlier on.

    When I was stronlg attracted to women and only masturbated to them (was only able to), I always masturbated to body parts such as breasts, asses, faces (no, not what you're thinking of), legs.

    But then, truly, I was so attrracted to them I would want to have sex with every second girl in my classes (back in elementary and high school).

    Something changed when I was 14. I'd been a porn addict for many, many years by that time. One day I found I couldn't get off to the types of porn I used to watch. Lots of Brianna Frost, webcams, lesbian porn.

    I also developed temporary (It's long been solved) inferiority complex to a guy's physique. I found him more muscular than me and worried he would get all the girls. >_<

    And I started having gay fantasies. huh
     
    #34 kellynec, Sep 26, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2017
    Tomás1 likes this.
  15. kellynec

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    So would you say 99.9% of gay men needed a very long time to accept their exclusive homosexuality? Even if they say they never had a problem with it?
     
  16. kellynec

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    It's still what I wanna be lol
     
  17. Quantumreality

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    I understand. However, our sexuality is what it is. It isn't something we can choose or change, so wanting it to be something other than what it is is counterproductive. I believe that it is much more important for each of us to understand and accept our own sexuality, regardless of any specific labels that we may put on it or any dislike we may initially have for what we discover.
     
  18. Lexa

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    We're all different individuals. But concerning being bisexual, at the age of 35? I'm at the end of the acceptance process but still not totally there yet. Almost! I think it will have taken me about a year in total after I realized I was in denial and not in a phase.
     
  19. kellynec

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    So, like, until the age of 35, did you just live your straight part? No homosexual interactions etc?
     
  20. Tomás1

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    kellynec

    I think it'd simplify your situation if u gave up porn. Porn creates unreal expectations: just "click" & you're in sex mode … without any of the aspects that accompany sex w humans: emotions, feelings, desire, relationship, love, touch, fear, etc. If you're studying psychology u may understand what I'm saying. How's that sound?

    Can u reveal: have u had sex w any women or men? If so, how was it? If not, do u want to?
     
    #40 Tomás1, Sep 26, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2017