I'm just missing her today...

I completely agree! Though I have learned we can't bank on others to keep boundaries (even when they REALLY should.) We can't control them and their 'flexible boundaries' so it is up to us to keep recognize and enforce our own personal boundaries..

This little bit I read has been eye-opening and very helpful to me. I actually have it taped to the cabinet I keep my K-Cups in. I re-read it every time I go into that cabinet (and I drink MULTIPLE cups of coffee a day!). Maybe some of you will find it helpful too.


'Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with. Boundaries are rooted in our beliefs about what we deserve and don't deserve.

Boundaries originate from a deep sense of our personal rights-especially the right to be ourselves. Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves. Boundaries naturally flow from our conviction that what we want, need, like and dislike is important.'*


It is not easy to enforce our own boundaries, especially if our exes are lacking boundaries themselves (mine is a boundary-lacker, she is not making this any easier.) I have done a lot of thinking, a lot of recognizing that I actually do have a right to HAVE boundaries (lots of work in therapy around this) and I am doing pretty good enforcing them. Reactions to certain interactions will give clues to where our boundaries need to be. Still this is all new to me! Like within the past year new.

People will push boundaries, and I have not 100% been on target keeping mine,- it's so easy to let your boundaries get trampled all over by an ex when you are still in love. So I'm definitely not the poster child for keeping boundaries, not yet anyway, but I AM light years ahead of where I used to be. It is all such a process!


*Courtesy www.baggagereclaim

 

We were together almost 2yrs but half of that time was completely secret. She is 6yrs younger than me and before meeting me had given up on love so had mapped her life out. Despite many relationships she says I'm her first love. The first day I met her I came home feeling so excited to have met this wonderful person it was like she instantly brought something into my life like I'd never experienced before. Someone said right people wrong time. She wants to go travelling and seek a job abroad and I have my children to think of.

 

You can't blame yourself. She isn't hurting and alone because of any choices you have made directly. I know you ended the relationship but that is because for you it wasn't working. You can't help that. You couldn't keep the gay to yourself otherwise you would. I know right now it's awful but it will get better, you just have to take it a day at a time.

 

It is just your grief. You could also say why wasn't she strong enough to leave her marriage. I know that's her choice but it's the same thing. You deserve someone to love you completely and to be with you entirely I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you do deserve that and in the future I'm sure you will find it.

 

If losing you and saying you were the love of her life I would fight like hell to keep you! I know feelings would be hurt and worlds would be turned upside down. But is it really worth it to live our lives in misery? At some point everyone involved would see how much better it would be to live a life of joy and happiness. And sure it would be hard at first. But with time the pain will heal. If she is saying that you are the love of her life then she should fight for it! I think it would be wonderful if she did.

 

Totally agree

 

I don't think it was more to you than it was to her. I genuinely think she was totally honest about what you had. I guess the problem for her is she doesn't want to take that risk. I'm not saying she doesn't trust you but if by coming out her family disown her and turn their back on her that means she only has you. I'm not saying you would ever set out to hurt her but sometimes relationships end and I guess in her mind she is thinking then she would be entirely alone.